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Earthquakes With TOCD

TOCD - Tourettic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I never have a still moment.

I'm well aware of whats going on around me.

I'm well aware that the people stare.

When I'm in the grocery store putting fruits and vegetables into plastic bags, I know the people see me shaking and hear me cussing from a distance.

And when people stare, I get nervous.

And when I get nervous, I turn red.

And when I turn red, my heart beats faster.

And when my heart beats faster, I put my hand on my chest and count the beats until I hit 32.

Then, I force my hand away and snap back into reality to see more people staring.

It's who I am... I can't change who I am (but I fucking wish I could)

I'm well aware of the ticks that I cannot control.

I never have a still moment.

What if I wanted to play golf?

What if I wanted to be a surgeon?

What if I wanted to be a model for artists?

What if?... what if?... what if?... why not?... Why?

Why do I feel so limited in the land of the free?

I just want to feel free.

I just want to feel still.

I just want to feel normal.

I don't want to shake.

Some say the shaking becomes so natural that it becomes ignored, but not for me...

I am aware.

The kids in school used to think I was weird because I wasn't like them.

I wasn't "normal"

Will I ever be?

I never have a still moment.

I feel like a disaster, but they say the shaking is natural with my condition.

Does that make me a natural disaster?

Am I like a tsunami, a hurricane, or maybe an earthquake...

I like the sound of "earthquake"

The world around me shakes and my insides feel damaged, but I still manage to recover.

I put the pieces back together...

I'm always a whole no matter how much it may seem otherwise.

I just love earthquakes, not because of the damage they do, but because the shaking of the earth seems to cancel out the shaking of my body and for those few seconds, I pretend... that I'm... normal.