The Roads To Paris

37

“You're happy right?” Heaven asks out of the blue

“What?” I ask shocked

“Everyone hates me because of you.” she goes on with her accusation

“How is this my fault?”  I ask confused

She doesn't reply to my question. I see this as a front to finally tell Heaven what I've been trying to tell her since

“Heaven, look, I'm sorry OK. I know I'm not the ideal sibling and I know I mess up a lot but believe me I would never intentionally cause a rift between your friends. After everything they've done for me that's the last I would ever do to them.”

Heaven looks at me venomously

“And why should I believe you?”

I don't know what to answer to that question because I haven't actually earned her trust. When the thing with Cole was going on I didn't tell her. When I kissed her best friend I didn't tell her. When I started having feelings for Jesse I didn't tell her.

I don't except her to believe me now after all that.
She's right.
I'm the one who ruined everything. To begin with, I didn't see her as a sister at first. I was the one always treating her with contempt and she was the one always trying to make me feel welcomed and make me feel like I was in a safe space. But all I could ever think about her was that she was the girl who ruined my status of only child.

As an only child, I was never good at sharing things with people because I didn't have any siblings I had to share anything with. I guess that includes my feelings. I never talked to anyone about how I felt because I never had anyone to talk to. My mom and dad just seemed too big for little kids problems. And now I had a sister thrown on my lap and I couldn't even be grateful for her. Everything that's happened now is my fault and I deserve everything that's happening to me.

Once I start seeing things from Heaven's vantage point, I realize that I'm the bad guy, it's not the other way round. She trusted me enough to introduce me to her friends, she didn't even question my character, she didn't even have anything against  me in her heart, she just carried on like a free spirit.
Even when I started acting strangely she bore with me, even after all the problems I caused she still loved me like a sister.
When I brought my problems with Cole to her and her friends doorstep, she still had my back. Even after warning me about him and after I didn't listen to her warnings, she didn't leave me to my problems, she still stuck by me. And the only form of payback I could think of was starting a very complicated relationship with her best friend without telling her, making her friends fight, ingratitude.....

But that's what I'm trying to tell her; that I realize that I've not been a very good sister and I'm trying my best to change.

My only problem is, how can I expect her to believe me after all I've done?

“I......I.....” I start unsure of what to say in response to her question

“I don't expect you to believe me. I haven't earned your trust yet. And I realize that now and I'm very sorry for that. I know I haven't been the ideal sister and I'm trying to apologize for that.....” I start but she interrupts me

“You've said that before.”

“What?” I ask confused

“You've said that thing about not being the ideal sister already.” she quirks a smile but quickly stops

I see that my apology is warming a way into her heart and I'm glad so I continue

“I'm sorry about that. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for not being the sister you wanted.”

She looks at me for a long time before saying

“Don't ever tell yourself that again. I'm sorry for getting so angry with you. Mom was right; sisters shouldn't have a fight this big. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. It's just, I've not been real with you. I thought if I was really nice,you'd be a better sister-no offence- I didn't realize that I was storing all those pent up frustrations until I couldn't anymore. That day, seeing Jesse and Damien arguing because of you, something they've never done before, I couldn't hold it in anymore. And I know I said a lot of things that day, the ones I meant and the ones I didn't but don't ever feel like you're not the sister I wanted. When I first heard that my new dad would be coming with his daughter,that was the best news I heard all my life. I'd always wanted to have a sister and I felt like God had finally answered my prayers when I found out about you. And when I saw you for the first time I could see us staying up and sharing secrets at night and gossiping about boys and other girls at school.......I was the one who asked for us to share a room.” she finally reveals

So that was why my dad made me share a room with Heaven! No wonder! I thought it was really weird when there were other rooms I could have stayed in.

“So you see,” she says and takes my hands in hers “I didn't hate you. I was just really upset with you.”

“I know and I'm sorry.” I apologize for the umpteenth time

“You don't have to keep apologizing.” she scolds lightly

“Are you and Jesse on good terms now?”
I finally ask the question that has been on my mind for a while

“Yeah. We talked about it.” she confesses

“I'm sorry for causing problems between you guys.”

“I know. You can understand why I'm very protective of him, I've told you the story before?” she says it like it's a question

“Yeah, you have. And I promise from now on, there won't be any ‘Jesse and Paris’ related problems again.” I give her my word

“I'm going to hold you on that.”

“No problem.” I agree, then after some time I add
“So......we cool?”

And she replies
“Definitely.”

She pulls me in for a hug and I hug her with everything in me. I've missed this side of Heaven. For a full week all I got from her was hateful silence and I was beginning to worry that she would never speak to me again. Her silence hurt a lot more than her words did.

I can't imagine how in less than a year I've grown from not being able to tolerate having a step sister to not being able to live without one. I'm glad that it's Heaven and not someone else. She's made me grow so much as a person and now I can't even imagine what life was before her and Danielle.

I'm broken out of my train of  thoughts by Heaven's voice

“Out of curiosity though, how did you and Jesse settle things?” she asks

“Oh, that. We agreed to just be friends; that thing between us was causing a lot of problems.” I tell her honestly

“It was probably for the best.” she consoles

“How are you holding up?” she asks to my surprise

“I'm......OK......I guess.” I answer confused

“You still have feelings for him right?” she questions and I don't know whether to be honest or to lie about it.

“I do. But that's not what's important. My feelings aren't worth all the problems.”

Some times in life, you just have to give up some things so every one else can be happy.

“Oh.” Heaven says and casts her eyes down guiltily

Well that was really weird.

“Have you talked to Damien?” she says changing the topic.

“I'm going to. I'm just waiting for the right time.”

“Well you should soon, so he doesn't feel like you don't deem it important to apologize to him.”

“I will.” I repeat

I'm glad I've gotten things with Heaven straightened out. Now it's just Damien left.

“I've been doing a lot of apologizing lately, I seem to be getting on everyone's bad side.” I think to myself.

Hopefully this is the last person I'm offending for a while.