The Roads To Paris

47

I know it sounded like I'd resolved to forget the whole thing with Jesse last night, but this morning had me obsessing about it all over again.

I mean, I can't help it, the guy says we should just be friends and some weeks later he's kissing me in the living room of my house and getting me thoughtful presents.
Well, present cause it's just one.
But still, this has to mean something right?

Then again, knowing Jesse, this is probably some meaningless cute gesture and I'm basing a false sense of hope off it.

I feel the heat of the Eiffel tower that is currently hanging on my neck and I don't know if I should be giddy, confused or both.

The only two conclusions I drew last night were; Jesse still probably has a thing for me and the guy would totally kill at poetry.
He definitely has a way with words.
Everything he said sounded like he was reading off a movie script and although he said he'd been practicing, it didn't sound rehearsed to me.

I don't want to explain the pendant to Heaven cause it would seem oddly suspicious that Jesse would drop by just to give it to me, but I did tell her that Jesse came over because he was ‘in the area’ and ‘just wanted to drop by and say hi’.

I've been keeping the pendant hidden from view all morning cause I know I'd have to explain it if she were to see it.

During the drive to school, I'm distracted with thoughts of yesterday and I keep zeroing out on Heaven.

When she notices, I blame it on Princeton saying they haven't sent in a reply and I'm beginning to get worried.

That wasn't that much of a lie because I'm actually worried they haven't sent a reply yet, but I'm ashamed to admit that's secondary when it comes to issues on my mind currently.

When we get to school, I spend a huge part of the day in mindless daydreaming and I barely pay attention to anything going on around me.

We really don't need to be in school. All we're just doing is tidying up, getting ready to leave, seeing as graduation is merely three  weeks away. Us being here is just a formality, so I can afford to be as distracted as I want.

By the time school's out for the day, I occupy myself with finding Ivy in the crowded hallways.
Of all the people I know, Ivy is probably the only one I can talk to about this decision I apparently have to make.
I know she won't make a fuss about this being the billionth time I'm having to make this decision.

When I finally see her walking down the hallway, I practically run to catch up with her.

“Hey.” I say falling in step with her

“Oh hey girl. I feel like I haven't seen you all year. I couldn't sit for lunch cause I've been busy with this whole other thing.” she says referring to her emergency school press meeting

“I know. I've been a bit busy myself. I guess that's part of the struggle.” I say trying to console her with the fact that we're all getting our asses handed to us by senior year

“I guess.”

After a few seconds, she asks
“So what's up?”

I take this as my opening to ask her advice
“I just wanted to ask for your opinion on something.”

“No problem,” she stops in the middle of the hallway
“But it's gotta be quick. I still have this whole other thing.”

I nod my appreciation to her and begin to summarize my dilemma as quickly as I can

“So my mom seems to think I and Jesse have this thing going on because he come over to see me yesterday and she eavesdropped on our conversation and he said a lot of really sweet things (and well, we kissed, but only briefly. It was more like a quick peck, it wasn't anything).” I add the last part in my mind

“Now she seems to think I have some ‘decision’ to make regarding my relationship with Jesse , but I don't want to have to argue with Heaven over this again after we've settled things. Plus I and Jesse already said we'd just be friends so even though we both probably still like each other, it just sort of seems like I actually do have a decision to make, seeing as I still haven't gotten over him and we can't seriously be basing our relationship off the fact that Heaven doesn't want me with her best friend.”

“And where do I come into the picture?” Ivy asks with a raised eyebrow

“I want you to tell me if I'm wrong for even pursuing this matter this far.” I state

“Well I can't tell you you're wrong. I can tell you however, this decision you're apparently supposed to be making isn't supposed to be yours alone. Your mom's right though. You and Jesse have a bit of chemistry. But, left to me, if I were you, I wouldn't pursue it just yet, since we'd already agreed to stay friends. Since that was our collective decision, I'd just stick by that and forget everything else. But if you feel like that decision was made based on Heaven's choice, and you feel like you should both make a decision, Heaven regardless, then I'd encourage you to give it a try.
You'd both have to agree on something definite though because all this instability and back and forth can't be healthy for either of you. I can't believe you've stayed so long like this without losing it. It can be really frustrating not knowing where you stand. My advice; you guys should figure out where you stand and stick by it. No more back and forth. But whatever decision you guys want to make, don't leave  Heaven out of it. She seems instrumental to any sort of relationship since she's your sister and she's Jesse's best friend. You guys would need her blessing to go on.”

I stand still for a while and let Ivy's words sink in

“I think I get your point.” I finally say

“Good. Just think about what I've said. I'll see you some other time to probably find out how things went. I need to go now though. Bye.”

With that, Ivy rushes off downstairs and I'm left standing with only her words to keep me company.

Now I have two paths to walk. I can either choose to ignore my feelings for Jesse, and respect the decision we came to earlier that we'd be better off as friends; or, I can choose to have this whole talk again with Jesse and see if he's willing to give us a try.

I feel like I've walked down the second path so many times that it has become worn from my footsteps, but anytime I try taking the first, I'm back at the crossroads again.

I feel like Ivy and Danielle were both saying the same things in different ways. Ivy wanted me to just forget about it, although she encouraged me to do whatever I felt was right, as far as I didn't leave Jesse and Heaven out of it.

Danielle wanted me to come to a compromise that would suit all three of us, in her words, but ultimately, she said whatever I would decide, it should at least not affect my relationship with any two of them, and their relationship with each other.

I want to go with my instinct on this one and just forget about it, even though it would probably kill me to.
Somewhere in my heart, I know that I should just leave things to be the way they are for a while but I can't help thinking that maybe I and Jesse have a shot at this.

If I agree to drop it, it'll only be for the meantime because I have a feeling deep within me that this thing with Jesse isn't about to end anytime soon.

I wish things were a lot easier and Heaven didn't have a problem with any of this but I know that's not even possible.

I don't want to be selfish and only think about myself in all this, so I try to put myself in Heaven's shoes.
Even if I didn't have a specific reason for not wanting I and Jesse to be together, just knowing that they know I'm not in support of it and they go ahead with it anyway would hurt me. That would mean that they don't care about my feelings.

I don't want to seem like I don't care about my sister's feelings, so I forget that whole speech Jesse gave last night, I forget the pendant that's currently dangling on my neck, I forget everything that's ever happened between I and Jesse and decide to just drop this ‘decision’ thing, finally.
For now at least.

When I've arrived at this decision, I see a text on my phone; from Ivy.

“Whatever you're doing, don't do it until you're sure it's the right thing to do.”

Well, I'm sure this is the right thing to do.
Or at least, I think I am.