The Roads To Paris

13

Of all the ways I thought my talk with Jesse would go, I did not ever in a million years think that he'd confess to liking me and I would bait him into kissing me, and he would almost kiss me, only to be interrupted by Heaven, my step sister/ his really good friend.

" You should go and talk to her." Jesse states calmly, breaking me out of my shock

" Yeah, I know..... Just go, for now please." I say, not wanting him to be around while we sort out our shit.

" Of course. Call me if anything goes wrong."

I walk towards the house in trepidation, not sure what to expect.

She's sitting on the couch watching RHOA when I walk in and mutes the TV and turns to me.

" Do you have something you want to say to me? Say it now."

Heaven sounds cold, nothing like the Heaven I've gotten used to these few months.

" I'm sorry Heaven. You weren't supposed to see that. You weren't meant to find out like that."

The TV has her undivided attention, even though she's supposed to be in a conversation with me.

" Of course I wasn't meant to see that. You just thought you could keep on fooling around with my best friend and I would remain oblivious. The dumb, oblivious cheerleader. That's what you thought right?"

Ok maybe I didn't word that well

" I don't think you're oblivious and dumb Hea........"

" Oh spare me the bullshit! How long has this been going on? One month? Two weeks?....... You know what, I don't really give a shit! My only problem is that you made my best friend lie to me and I don't see myself forgiving you for that. You probably fed him one of your sappy stories about needing his emotional support or some shit because of how emotionally unstable you are."
She rolls her eyes at the TV but doesn't turn to look at me throughout her whole speech.

Back up a bit........ did she just say best friend, twice??!!! I thought they didn't keep any best friends among themselves in the group, but I guess I was wrong.

Oh fuck! Holy shit! Kissing one of my sister's friends is one thing, but best friends!!!!!!!
That's a whole new category of it's own.

" Don't be like that. You know I'm still working out some shit but you don't have to bring my........... experience into this."

She doesn't even look at me or say anything so I continue

" I didn't know he was your best friend........"
She cuts me off
" Oh my gosh!! That completely changes everything. I totally forgive you."
Heaven is being sarcastic and this new side of her bothers me so much.

" Now you don't want me bringing up shit about your loss," she continues
" about your pain, the grief, so agonizing and gut wrenching. It's only ok when 'you' make everything about you??!!"

Is that what Heaven thinks of me? That I'm conceited?

Ever since the move with my dad, I've given up so many things, to see my dad happy to maintain peace with my step sister, to not give anyone trouble about this whole arrangement.
How dare she call me self centered?!
I've been nothing but selfless. I do not make everything about myself.
Her accusations cut deep into something within me and all of a sudden, I'm no longer feeling bad for kissing her best friend, but I'm angry.

" Fuck it! Fuck you! I can't believe I'm even apologizing for something that isn't worth apologizing for. I kissed him. Once. It would've been twice if your cockblocking ass didn't just come out there to make a scene. So what? What difference does it make? YOU don't have any sort of claim on him....... and you know what, I'd do it again. And over, and over, and ov........"

She throws one of the couch cushions and screams

" Enough!!! Just shut the fuck up!! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

In a way, I'm relieved that she's angry, I was getting really concerned when she seemed emotionless.
She storms upstairs to our room and bangs the door.
I run after her, so she doesn't lock me out of the room.
She's in her bed, with her face buried in one of the pillows and I just hover over her awkwardly, not sure what heights I pushed her to with this conversation.

She raises her head up off the pillow and I notice that she's been crying.

Shit.

" I'm so so so sorry Heaven. I didn't mean any of that shit I said downstairs." I say backtracking on everything I just said a moment ago

" It's ok. " she says not sounding very ok

" I'm supposed to have gotten used to this whole Paris and Heaven show by now."
She's trying her best to sound strong, but her voice betrays her and I realize there's more to this story that she's not telling me.
Could it be that, Heaven likes Jesse?
That must be why she's so torn by the idea of I and him being intimate.
It makes sense now.
It's the most obvious plot any twisted author could concoct, two sisters fighting to the death over the boy of both their dreams.

I look over at Heaven and can't help imagining her and Jesse in a relationship. Or I can't help trying to imagine them in a relationship, it doesn't work obviously though, they are the most unlikely pair.
I'm even having a hard time thinking of them as best friends. The two just don't go together as a pair, as part of a whole or part of a group, probably, but not as a pair.
What would they even have in common? What would they do together if that, God forbid, eventually happens?

I feel a tad bit jealous of the Heaven in my mind who is sitting across from Jesse, on a date at a restaurant, even though they are saying nothing to each other ( because they have nothing in common obviously) and just staring awkwardly.

" You like Jesse." I say before I can stop myself
" What??!" Heaven says

" I mean you're angry at me because you like Jesse. It kind of makes sense. You're best friends but you secretly have a thing for him."
She looks at me with a mix of what looks like irritation and disgust.

" Why am I not surprised?" she asks sarcastically

" What's that supposed to mean?"

I realize that I've been standing for quite a while so I sit on my bed

" It means that you can't seem to see anything that doesn't indirectly connect to you. All roads lead to Paris and never lead back. This has nothing to do with Jesse or you. You can't just assume that I like Jesse because that's what makes sense to you. He has been my best friend since forever. I can't believe you'd actually assume that I'm 'in love with him'. You are just unbelievable......"

Heaven has been saying everything but has been saying nothing and I'm getting confused

" Ok now I'm just confused. What is this about? If it isn't about me kissing Jesse then why are you so upset?"
She looks over at me like I've asked the most stupid question in the world, but doesn't say anything.

She remains on her bed deep in thought and finally grabs her keys.

" Where are you going?"
I'm on high alert.
This is how most suicides happen and I've already lost one too many loved ones

" That's not really any of your business now, is it?"
Her voice is clipped and she sounds like she's holding a lot in.

I follow her down the stairs with my long list of questions which she leaves unanswered.

This conversation has gone so many ways and for the first time, I'm curious to know what really is going on behind those brown eyes. What is it that's she holding back from me?

I can't help feeling that if this thing with Jesse hadn't been exposed, she could have kept on smiling at me and pretending to be ok.
I want to stop her from leaving so that we can talk through our problems, but I know talking wouldn't do much good right now. I know she needs some time in her own space to clear her head.

" I'll give you time to clear your head but we really need to talk. There's a lot of shit we're just shoving under the rug but we need to fix shit up because we've started to build this relationship and I don't want this to ruin that for us."

She looks at me long and hard, as if contemplating an answer.

" Ok."
And with that, she's out the door.