The Roads To Paris

9

I can't help the tears that slip down from my eyes.
Throughout the fight, I've been trying to keep my cool and pretend like I didn't even feel a little bit hurt. I can't believe I used to be friends with Cole. Three fucking weeks.
I've never resorted to physical violence ever in my life and because of this......this.... I can't even think straight again. I mouth' fuck you' at Cole because I can't even get the words out of my mouth.
" Show's over. Get the fuck to your classes." Jesse shouts to the crowd
" Please." Benny adds trying to lighten the mood but this time I'm too upset to laugh
Heaven takes my hand and leads me to the female toilets and I fall on the floor immediately I'm inside. I curl up foetal style in a corner and cry out my heart.
Heaven sits down on the floor beside me with her head in her laps and her hands on her head running her hands through her hair in frustration.
" This must be bigger than I thought if you're still crying till now. What's up Paris?" Heaven finally says when I've calmed down a bit
" Can you not...?" I ask too tired to form a coherent sentence.
" No Paris. I can't not. This 'thing' has been dragging on for way too long and I've been pretending not to notice even though I do, so no, I can't not."
I sit up, cleaning my eyes. I stay silent looking at the stalls like they're the most interesting things ever.
I know what Heaven wants to hear but I honestly don't know what to say.
" You know what, hold that thought. I'll be right back." Heaven says hastily getting up.
Almost half an hour later she's back in her former position.
" Where did you go?" I ask with my still croaky voice
" I went to see the guidance counsellor and the nurse and told them whatever it took to get us official permission to be absent from school today." Heaven replies
" Oh."
We remain quiet for sometime until she decides to break the silence
" Well??....." she asks impatiently
" Sorry I didn't mean to rush you. It's just that I care and I want to know what's going on with you."
I take a deep breath before replying
" It's just that, when my mom died I felt really empty. I needed someone who could be as loving and understanding as her. I needed to feel loved again. I know my dad loves me but it's just not the same. He has other responsibilities that are not me now. It sounds awfully selfish but it's how I feel. And I know your friends care about me a lot but it doesn't feel like love and......."
I start sobbing all over again not able to control myself.
Heaven doesn't make any effort to console me and she replies me with
" How do you think your mom will feel if she knows you are using her death as an excuse not to move on in life, not to grow as a person, how will she feel if she knows you are making yourself permanently miserable and blaming it on her death?"
I didn't expect her to reply like this and to say I'm appalled is saying the least.
" Excuse me??!" I say getting really offended.
The nerve!!
I'm over here grieving and Heaven thinks the best way to console me is by being horrible to me
" What I said. Don't think I don't notice how you space out and cry all the time. I'm not indifferent to your loss, I just mean, don't you think it's time to actually let your mom rest in peace? Which mom would like to see her daughter in the gutters for nine - is it nine now?- for nine years straight over her death? Everyone is concerned about you. Your dad remarried cause he knew you needed a mother figure in your life. He really cares about you and you need to open your eyes long enough to see it. My friends, they care about you, they're your friends too and I'm pretty sure they love you." she finishes and looks at me to see if I've absorbed that.." How're you sure they love me Heaven? If you can vouch for Ivy, Benny, Maeve, Damien and London what about Jesse? Does he also love me?" I ask.
At this point I've moved from sad to angry.
How dare she think she's got this all figured out? She hasn't even experienced loss as I have but she thinks she can just copy a few inspirational quotes off Google and mix them with a pinch of originality and sell that crap to me??!! I'm not buying any of this crap.
My dad loves me but not as much as before. He has Danielle and Heaven now. She stole my dad from me and she's telling me how to get better.
" I don't know if Jesse loves you. You're gonna have to ask him that by yourself but I know he doesn't hate you. You're just too much for him to process right now. And for the rest of our friends, I can guarantee you've made a mark on their hearts for sure." Heaven replies
" Bullshit!" I say finally snapping
" Too much for him to process??!! The fuck is that spose to mean? I'm Paris Baxter an 18 year old girl who lost her mom at the age of nine, who gave up her whole life just so her father could get remarried. What's there to process? Just that. And they're not our friends Heaven. They're your friends. It's your friends, your town, your house, your room, your school, your car, your mom, your Jesse, everything is fucking yours. And pretty soon, it'll be your dad too."
Heaven flinches a little from my outburst and replies calmly
" So I guess this was never about Cole."
I look over at her and see that she's trying hard not to cry.
We sit in silence for sometime and I look over at her again.
I realize that we've been sisters for almost three months and I don't know anything about her. I don't know any of the important things but she knows nearly everything about me ( mostly because there's not much to know) even the little details and I instantly feel bad.
Heaven has been nothing but a sister to me but I kept treating her like a step sister.
" I'm sorry. I...." I don't know what else to say
" It's ok. You don't have to be. It's how you feel and I can't fault you for thinking about it cause that's how it looks." she says looking and sounding tired.
That's what I do. I exhaust everybody who tries to understand me. Even myself. I'm a mentally exhausting person.
" I don't have to be but I am. I'm sorry for taking all my frustrations out on you. It isn't even about Cole anymore. It's just everything. I feel like my life is being weighed down by this invisible sadness. It's kind of an abstract feeling. It has nothing to do with my mom or anything else. I just feel extremely sad and I know it doesn't have a definite reason or meaning."
Heaven looks at me worried and looks down at her hands watching absentmindedly as she nervously played with her fingers.
" I'm not mad at your mom for marrying my dad. It's just that I feel like she's a replacement to my mom in my dad's heart and I know she makes him happier and I'm trying to be ok with that but..... "
I feel myself crying again and I take deep breaths to try to calm myself
" Have you tried talking to your dad about this?" she asks looking very concerned
" I haven't talked to my dad about anything in a long time." I confess
" Why?"
" I don't know. Since the day he told me about the engagement we've never gotten around to having a real conversation." I reply honestly
I love my dad but the day I found out about the engagement, even though I smiled and assured him it was ok, I realized that it wouldn't be just the two of us. And I loved it being only the two of us. Now he had to share his love with me three ways to accommodate Heaven and Danielle.
He barely had time with me like he had before and I kind of just retreated into myself forgetting that there was once a beautiful relationship between I and my dad. I soon got used to the silence and didn't bother to breach it.
" Since the engagement? That's about a year ago. What do you mean you haven't talked to your dad in almost a year." Heaven asked shocked
" It just never happened." I say shrugging
" That's a problem and we need to fix it. He's supposed to be your main. Your ride or die."
I laugh at that and Heaven laughs with me
" Ok fine, but seriously, you guys are all you both have. You need him and he needs you. Promise me you guys will talk. At least explain how you feel to him and give him a chance to explain why he did what he did. You can't let that be the end. You guys need to make up." Heaven says looking at me sincerely
" God."
I run my hands over my forehead and rest them on my hair.
" I've cried so much my head is starting to hurt." I say
" We look like shit. I think we should just take a break for today. It doesn't mean we're done talking though. Just, let's save ourselves from the headache." Heaven says distractedly picking the invisible lint from her clothes
" Yeah." I say when there's nothing else to say
We sit in silence for a few seconds processing everything that just happened
" Well have to leave now if you don't want to see anyone before we leave. It's almost time for lunch."
I grab my stuff off the floor and get up waiting for Heaven to do the same.
" I'll text Ivy and the rest of the guys that we went home so they don't look for us during lunch." She volunteers
" No problem." I say dusting myself off
We walk the rest of the way to Heaven's car in silence until we get in.
" The headache is stress induced right? I mean I'm not a professional, I just think you should sleep it off and see how it goes from there." Heaven advices
If there's anything I know about my sister, it's that she won't ever take drugs until they're absolutely necessary. She says it reduces the probability of getting addicted.
She has this almost irrational fear that taking a tablet of aspirin could make her a Tylenol addict.
I look over at my sister, who is currently concentrating hard on the road trying not to kill us by going too fast or driving wrecklessly. My careful, beautiful, funny, amazing, cheerleader sister.. I may not know much about her but I know enough to love her. She's the sweetest thing ever, putting up with my tantrums and sharing everything that's hers with me and introducing me to the most perfect friends ever.
I look at Heaven and realize that if I am to have a sister, I wouldn't have her any other way.
I'm glad we had this talk.