It's the weekend again and now graduation is just a week away.

I can't believe I'm about graduating from high school, it feels like just a week ago I moved to come and live with Heaven and Danielle.

I remember when I first moved here and I felt like I couldn't trust Heaven and her friends and now, looking back, I realize how stupid it was of me to hate them for being nice to me and wanting the best for me.

I thought they were being too overbearing when they told me Cole wasn't who I thought he was and it turned out they were right. I initially had so many prejudices against Jesse, admittedly he didn't do anything to help my opinion of him, never the less, after taking the time to get to know him, I realized he was not too bad.

I play back everything that had happened over the past year, starting from my dad's wedding to Danielle, the move, my first day at Ridgewood, the whole episode with Cole, becoming friends with Andrea, the first time I and Jesse kissed, getting to actually know about my friends, meeting Jesse's parents, the whole thing with Mae's mom; just everything.

I now see that I've grown so much as a person, but I've also been through a lot of drama. I honestly don't think I can be able to handle any more dramatic situations, they seem to have taken a toll on me.

If there's one thing that annoys me, it's people keeping so many secrets, creating uneccesary drama that could have easily been avoided.
Like if I had just told Heaven what was going on between I and Jesse initially, she wouldn't have flipped when she found out.
I'm trying to be less secretive about things to avoid drama. Although, sometimes drama seems to want to come on its own.

I want to be able to see myself ten or so years from now living a simple, non complicated life, but I know, me being me, that's not going to be possible. I do want to give it a try though, just in case

A simple life ten years from now would probably make up for all the drama I've had to endure these past few years.

My mind wanders to Jesse and I.
I feel like I'm being the bigger person by accepting to leave things the way they are now.
The only problem is, I don't know if I'd rather be the bigger person, or I'd rather be with Jesse. I know now that I don't have to reduce my feelings for Jesse just because I agreed to be friends. It'll just feel like I'm disrespecting my feelings just to please others and I've come to realize that there's a difference between being selfish and being self respecting. I won't push my opinions on him, but I won't disregard them completely.

I know there has to be a reason Jesse keeps holding back and I'd really like to know it. I know I'll find out what it is someday, but I can't wait till then.
I've gone through every possible reason in my mind but I can't think of one good enough.
If Jesse claims to only want us to be friends and that what he feels towards me is anything but romantic, then why do his actions say something completely different from his words?
Why is he so sweet to me? A lot sweeter than he is with the rest of his friends.

Why does Heaven have a problem with the idea of I and Jesse?
It has to be another reason than the one she's been giving since because that can't be a good enough reason.

I don't want to go back to square one with Heaven because it took me a lot to get to where I am with her today.
I had to make many sacrifices and pretend to understand things that I clearly didn't. Maintaining my relationship with my family is of utmost importance to me right now.

I've been able to see Danielle as a mom after a long time and now things are so much easier around the house.
I have found that I feel comfortable talking to Danielle about some certain things and I like the fact that she gives her unbiased opinions without siding anyone.
On top of that, my dad has become happier now that they're together. I would do anything for my dad's happiness.

I've been doing everything for my dad's happiness all my life. That's why, even though I was not comfortable with the idea of my dad remarrying, I gave him my blessing, because I knew Danielle made him happy.
When I remember how I acted a week or so ago when my dad came home drunk, I feel like the worst daughter in the world. I shouldn't have flared up like that.
It isn't like he did anything bad while he was drunk; he just said weird stuff and passed out. At least he didn't start getting violent or say hurtful stuff, I should be grateful for that fact.

I do at times wonder what exactly my dad was celebrating that made him get drunk but after that day we made up, I never bothered to broach the subject again.
I feel like the only reason my dad didn't tell me what he was celebrating was because he didn't want to offend me.
But the million dollar question is; what kind of celebration would offend me?

I wouldn't mind if we were to be moving again because I'd still be graduating anyway so what was the big deal?

Now that I think about graduation, I realize I'm going to be attending a different college from Heaven.
I don't know if that's such a healthy thing for this relationship we want to build.
We've barely been sisters for up to a year and we're going to be far away from each other for longer periods.
We're not going to be able to build a stronger relationship like that. I want to tell Heaven about this but I don't want it to seem like I want her to come to Princeton with me and leave her mom.
I just want her to know that I want our relationship to grow and I care about it.

I remember when we first moved and I couldn't stand Heaven because admittedly, I was a bit jealous.
I was too used to being an only kid and she came out of nowhere to steal my shine.
I was the only woman in my dad's life for years then all of a sudden Danielle and Heaven came out of nowhere.
I guess that's why I didn't like them at first because honestly, they weren't all that bad.
Danielle literally did everything to make me happy here and to make me comfortable but I couldn't see  past my jealousy and bitterness to notice her efforts.
She asked if I wanted my own room, I said yes of course, but my dad said it'd be better I and Heaven shared a room so I could acclimate better (I now know that was just a strategy to get me to like Danielle better because they had all gone behind my back to suggest that I'd be forced against my will to share a room with Heaven. It was all Heaven's idea).
Danielle was doing everything to make me like her and maybe one day see her as my mom and it eventually worked.

I think Heaven was more excited at the prospects of having a sister than I was because she was all over the place when I came, planning nail salon appointments for us and shopping sprees; it was all really cute.

When I told her I'd been so used to being an only child, I didn't know if I'd be able to accommodate siblings, she told me she could totally understand how I felt and she would try not to make things difficult for me.
She was so sweet.
She made me feel guilty at times for being so curt with her.

I've been thinking about this for a while, and I think I might just go ahead and do it.
I want to call my family together just to like talk to them or something.
I want to apologize for everything I've put them through and I want to thank them for being so patient with me; especially Heaven.

Heaven has been the nicest sister in the world, she's endured everything I've put her through, she's forgiven me a lot of the shit I've done to her and her friends, she's had my back in a lot of things and she's been so supportive.
I don't know how I was able to survive before her.
Whenever I'd have a breakdown, she would always be there even though I could get really annoying at times.

I get up from my bed and walk downstairs.
I see my dad, Danielle and Heaven in the kitchen having their breakfast and I grab a plate to join them.
We usually have our breakfast  late during the weekends.

After breakfast, I do the dishes and wipe my hands on a napkin.
I turn to look at everyone else who is busy tidying up the kitchen and I clear my throat loudly.
When I've gotten all their attentions, I inform them

“I'd like for all of us to like......talk.” I say really awkwardly and they all look at me confused

“Ok.” my dad says confused

“Like now?” Heaven asks

“Yeah sure.”

They all make sounds of agreement and finish up with what they're doing.
Now that that's settled, what exactly am I going to say???

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