legends never die || josh kiszka

14

Lorelei

day twenty

it's the eighteenth of april, a sunday evening.

last night was one of the worst i've had in a very long time. i lost control and let myself, josh, and anastasia down. how could i let this happen?

i haven't spoken to josh or anastasia at all, actually. i had keagan take the only extra they had of mine, only if i promised that wouldn't happen again while they left me alone.

so here i am, writing in this stupid fucking journal my therapist made me bring along on tour to look over when i get back. i'm bored our of my mind, but enjoying the silence for once. we'd planned to have our last album release meeting today, but keagan said he'd postpone it so i could have the day to myself before we leave at the ass crack of dawn to make the ten or more hour drive to seattle, washington.

what they don't know is that i snuck out to see grace.

it was a slow day and the guys were in a meeting of their own, so i took the opportunity to go ahead and call grace once I was calm and grounded enough to see her. we met up, i bought some off-brand percocet or something like that, and stored it in one of my drawers for later.

i wasn't proud of it, but it was just one time. we're leaving helena in less than twelve hours, so i would have no may to get any more after this. just one more high and i'll be finished. i'm willing to break my almost three year sobriety just to get the image of chris felkner out of my head for two fucking seconds.

i turned my phone off about an hour after anastasia left to grab us some food, which was also after i locked everyone out. keagan is the only one with an extra key. i was tired of looking at the calls and messages coming in from josh and anastasia. they knew i was alright, so they'd be fine without me for the day. or two days. or three. however long it'll last.

i decided that after last night, josh and i were over. i cant let him ruin his mental health by taking care of mine. that's selfish - i am not selfish.

anyway, this is my journal entry for day twenty.

oh, and fuck you, brenda.

I chucked the pen off the balcony, pissed off at God knows what. I wish he would peek into my life or my brain for two seconds to see that i'm struggling here.

I stared at the drawer from outside the glass door that contained my drug of choice, contemplating. The same guilt that I felt last night resurged, making me doubt my decision. If Josh or Anastasia had found out I did anything other than smoke weed or drink, they would be so disappointed.

I frowned as I shivered, the crisp, cool Montana air a brutal awakening. I didn't want to sleep, and staying out in the cold was something I knew would keep me awake. I had a blanket draped across my body, but it didn't help as much as I needed it to.

A knock startled me, and I believe it had come from the wooden door to my hotel room. I sighed, assuming it was Josh or Anastasia. I opened the glass door, welcoming the heat that the inside of my room provided as I trudged nervously to the door. I quietly peeked through the hole in the door, seeing not Josh or Anastasia, but Sammy and Jake.

That's odd.

Do I let them in? I wouldn't mind their company since they have no idea what happened, at least to my knowledge. Hell, they probably just think i've been busy all day or something.

I unlocked the door, opening it wide so they could walk in if they wanted. I smiled, but they looked surprised. I'm sure they weren't expecting me to open the door.