legends never die || josh kiszka

23

Lorelei

day fifty-four

yesterday, i signed another contract and renewed my ID to state that i am exactly who i am not.

this new contract, though, only extended my identity for another month because of the whole
philadelphia thing.

oh yeah, there's that, too.

we will be at our stop in philly in four weeks. anastasia and i have yet to make a decision regarding what we're planning on doing while we're there. that's a conversation for another time. our uncertainly and indecisiveness is what convinced keagan to keep us there for an extra two days, but the boys are oblivious, for now.

anastasia was there during the meeting yesterday, helping me figure out the whole fingerprinting thing again after three years so that way i didn't smudge every single one. i could've ended the contract yesterday because my birthday is in a few days, but i opted to stay under "lorelei" at least until the stop in philadelphia.

whatever happens there will determine whether or not i'll be resuming my identity as Leslie. after this contract is up, i'll be able to tell whoever i want, and either way, i'm telling josh before he figures it out on his own.

in just over a month, he'll know.

as my therapist, brenda, i know you told me to talk (or write) about my feelings. well, here they are.

i'm scared to death.

what's going to happen in just a few weeks? how will the guys react? how will josh react? the thought of that is making my head spin. i can see him from the couch on the bus where i'm sitting now, watching him as he sleeps soundly in his tiny bed. they were all sleeping - we didn't get much last night after the show. we were drinking, smoking, carrying on by the campfire. it was one of the happiest nights of my life so far, and i can't believe i'm going to say this - i enjoyed the fucking tent.

i will never let jake or josh hear that.

i couldn't sleep, though. the seven hour drive to texas was a great opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep, but i just couldn't. the meeting yesterday made everything seem so real, and it's scaring the absolute shit out of me. so here i am, writing my feelings like you told me to do, with just an oversized t-shirt overtop my undergarments.

i met frederick yesterday, the representative from the phone call that josh heard half of. his appearance didn't match his voice - blonde buzz-cut hair and fair complexion - but he was just as supportive if not more supportive than he was on the phone. he walked me through every step and even explained all of it to anastasia who has a better memory than i do. he was extremely helpful and i could tell he had a soft spot for anastasia and I, especially since we were around the same age. 'i grew up watching your shows,' he said. 'i can't believe i didn't realize.'

while i was at said meeting before the show, the guys went canoeing - something about a 'guys day' as they called it. we told them not to wait up, that we'd go on the next canoeing trip, if there would be another one. josh was hesitant about leaving the two of us alone at the campground, but hadn't known we'd be going to that meeting anyways. he eventually relaxed and had fun regardless - they all came back just an hour before the show, soaking wet and smelling of fish water. it was gross.

luckily, he didn't ask many questions about anastasia and i's day. if he did, i'd have to lie, and i hate lying.

that's why i'm absolutely terrified of telling the guys next month. my birthday is in a few days - june first - which is also the first day of pride month. not that i'm reminding anyone of my birthday - i hate it. we'll be in new orleans at the time, as we're set to perform at the annual pride festival as well as attend their parade. anastasia and i are planning on "coming out" that show - coming out as bisexual, that is. we used to prefer to remain unlabeled, but we feel bisexual is the best way to describe our sexuality, so we decided my birthday and the first day of pride month would be a good opportunity for coming out, finally.