🖤💜Redolence Of Yours💜🖤 (Taehyung×OC)

23. Hidden Track - Sea

(Warning: triggering content ahead)

Date - 24 November, 2015

Eomma, I'm sorry. I know this belonged to you; (it still does) but I couldn't help but pick up the pen. I have left a few pages although. Today also, I was reading your diary despite of memorizing every crease or fold on the pages. Then I suddenly had this urge to fill the blank ones myself. It's as if your life will continue like this. Isn't it beautiful? I will try to make my life better so that I can have a worthy story I can put my words for. Even if you are not here, I'll give you a better life now onwards. Pinky promise.

And hey! I got the internship opportunity in the biggest hospital here! They said that amongst the 20 students they will only pick five; probably those who will survive the intense training period. I don't doubt myself but I'm scared too. What if I get eliminated and then I have to start everything from scratch?

I shouldn't worry that much. Why bother thinking about what I can't control? Right?

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Date - 27 December, 2015

I hope God will forgive me for what I'm about to say now. Appa escaped from the rehab five days ago and still there's no sign of him. I wasn't surprised when Jin hyung said that it's for the best; but what surprised me was my feelings in that matter. I felt so relieved that I thought I was flying in clouds on the top of a blue ocean. I know he's our family and it's inhumane to feel free at him being gone; but why though? Hyung is rubbing off on me I guess.

I hope he comes back; but at the same time I want him gone. There's a difference.

But whenever something like this happens; or more likely life happens; I just miss her. My first love.

I told Jin hyung about her today; after all this time. And I think I made him hate her. But I'm not quite sure if that's exactly or totally opposite of what I feel. Forcing the stream of extreme emotion to change it's direction back to myself was almost impossible; and still struggle with that.

My heart, my body, my soul everything craves for her. But I don't shed tears. I've lost the capacity to cry.

She's the one who left me; in that hospital like that and that's when I knew I was done compromising and understanding. And that's why I don't owe her anything. Hadn't it been Joonie hyung beside me at that time; I would have lost myself.

My palm still feels clammy thinking about that day.

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Date - 12 February, 2016

Beyond my song, miles apart, you are walking in your own way.
O beloved!
Where my melodies can touch your feet
but my heart can't reveal to what I actually want to say.

The wind has changed its direction, now it's time to sail the ships;
You come by crossing the endless water, that will lead you to my thirsty lips.

Cards on the table, heart is at stake
Though the game is from apart.
I succumb on my couch, playing the guitar
Trying to ease the bleeding of my heart.

Come and take the strings from my hands, playing them is your right;
Here I keep on waiting for you,
Imagining the beautiful starry night.

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Date - 13 June, 2016

I don't like this at all. People say, pain is a part of growth, that it makes us what we are supposed to be. But this isn't fair. This much pain, that not only destroys the mental health but at the same time takes a toll on the body too. I've gotten a little slimmer than before. It's been a while since I've been on anxiety pills. But it helps. I've made progress. But sometimes when things get out of hand, or when I can't breathe at all; I have to pick up the blade. At first it was just curiousity. Unlike others with this problem, I try to make the cut on the epidural layer of skin only. The scar doesn't take long to heal but the pain is vivid; and that's what I need. It helps to take my mind off the suffocating feeling that can't be handled. I figured it out by knowing how paper cuts hurt so much even if there's no bleeding. It's just the nerve endings get exposed in the air and the pain keeps on getting stimulated. I don't worry about the scar marks at all; I just don't want anyone to find it especially Jin hyung. I mean, can it be any more uglier than the mark on my chest?