𝐑𝐈𝐃𝐄 | B.E

PART 5

005; elucidation

tw: drug abuse & mentions of self harm.

katherine's pov

"kat when was the last time you slept... or ate?" billie asked softly but genuinely concerned.

i sighed as i palmed my face avoiding her question at all costs, lying to billie proved inoperable nor could i speak the truth because i would never to project my problems onto people. i was emotionally trapped plus my mind was racing so i wasn't capable of explaining anything at all right now.  

"don't try running either, cars locked" she spoke sternly, already aware of me being a flight risk. our eyes connect as billie gently caresses my thigh comforting me. whenever her hands are laid on me i lose my breath for a moment.

in fact, when anyone's hands are placed on me i internally panic for a moment, not knowing whether they were going to hurt me or not. in this case, i was comfortable with her, only it was going to be a while before i got used to it.

"you know you're smart kat, so please, don't keep doing this to yourself... it's going to end badly my love" she explained, sweetly rubbing her thumb on my thigh with a worried face, i hummed in response, billie already knew the answer to her own question and she realized i wasn't going to admit it.

outside it starts to pour and droplets of rainwater begin hitting with windows with a lot of strength, but somehow it consoled me a little. the sound of the storm calmed me down and my breaths became further apart letting me relax.

billie notices i'm starting to settle down and her hand lifts from my lap in an attempt to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear. the gesture was so heart-melting but before she could do it i panicked then subconsciously jolted grabbing her wrist.

her eyes were on mine within a millisecond, "sorry" i apologized underneath my breath. if she didn't touch my hair everything would've been fine. it truly terrified me that this was my own father's fault. 

"no it's fine" billie whispered seeming ashamed of herself for even trying to do what she did, "i didn't mean to-" she cuts me off midsentence, "it's okay, i understand," billie says locking our eyes for a moment.

"i know why you're afraid of your father, i shouldn't have tried to touch you" billie sighed closing her eyes, shaking her head a little. my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach and i feel the anxiety building up inside my lungs.

"why would you think that?" i replied raising my voice a little in an attempt to push her away. "don't. do not do that kat, i'm not stupid" billie says calmly, shaking her head. i was now embarrassed and that i had yelled at her.

"you can't keep pushing me away when you feel cornered, you're being hurt kat" she spoke confidently as if she was a hundred percent sure. "you don't know that" i shake my head, "i do!" billie instantly replied nodding quickly.

"you hate being called katherine cause your dad uses it, and if i say your name you have the same petrified face as if your father had said it..." she paused for a moment our eyes never separating. 

i keep silent not knowing how to answer. everything word that escaped her lips was true, i was scared of everything that reminded me of my father and i refused to admit it.

"i am not your father, i would never ever hurt you. so please kat, don't look at me like i'm him" billie reassures me. i feel a familiar lump forming in my throat and my heartaches.