𝐑𝐈𝐃𝐄 | B.E

PART 22

022: breaking point

tw: relapse, alcoholism.

katherine's pov

my insides felt torn, punched, and tight. along with my heart palpitating at approximately a hundred miles an hour, i could barely breathe. billie notices my chest bouncing up and down uncontrollably, i felt as if there was water inside my lungs creating a storm of waves refusing to let oxygen past my lips.

"kat" billie called out worriedly. she places her hand on my knee squeezing gently helping my bones relax, "focus on me" she demanded in a stern voice. my unsteady eyes fall onto hers, with the heaviness of my veins and pulsating heart i became on the verge of passing out. my head stood too heavy on my neck causing it to tilt back into the headboard.

 my fingertips gripped the sheets of my bed attempting to fight my panic attack, knowing the man that i feared the most was returning. fortunately, due to billie breaking down the door the locks had been changed so my father could not enter unless i let him inside.

"i need you to breathe" billie states seriously with soft eyes. my blood burns as it soars across my entire body making my skin feel on fire. although i managed to allow one deep breath to completely fill up my lungs which utterly relieved me, i exhaled very slowly while examing my quivering hands.

"why did you answer the phone?" she questions with her eyes stuck to mine like glue. everything turned stone cold when i realized my breaking point had hit. it was tearing me apart at the thought of my life returning to pain and suffering every single day.

until recently i believed all the mental and physical abuse from my parents was normal. now it's as if i'd finally opened my eyes and figured out my childhood was not healthy nor happy at all. every single terrible thing in this world was exposed to me at a young age which warped my perception of living. 

"he's coming home" i whispered my voice breaking as i did. 

"what? when?" billie replies in disbelief. "tonight" i elaborated beneath my breath. my eyes still unable to focus on anything.

suddenly, i wished she didn't flush what remained of my drugs. now more than ever i wanted to get wasted, my mindset had now switched into self-protection mode. if i were black-out drunk then i wouldn't have to deal with the emotions or pain i may endure tonight.

running away sounded really nice right about now. unfortunately, it's so unbelievably unrealistic since i had nowhere to go. there's the option of leaving with billie but i hated to be a burden on people. pity parties aren't exactly my thing. 

i already felt incredibly guilty for making billie go through all of this with me. the culpability of worrying my girlfriend is the worst feeling in the world. i could write a list of all the things i wish i hadn't done, witnessing me in the bathroom behind a locked door and hearing her yelling at me on the other side killed me inside.

it's unfair to put someone in this situation. looking after me, worrying about me, fighting for me, and hurting herself for me. it isn't right. i kept telling myself if i cared for billie the way i think i do i would let her go, and be free from the burden that is me. 

but ultimately i couldn't, i needed her to stay afloat even though it's incredibly selfish and narcissistic of me to even think it billie had been my anchor for so long. keeping my feet on the ground and making me feel like a human being, and the sheer thought of being alone petrified me beyond belief so i quickly shut down the idea of breaking what we had.