Nothing is how it seems

Season 1 Episode 11

The living room of the apartment. Leonard Alex and Sheldon are playing the three dimensional chess game from the original Star Trek series. It is Leonard's move. He takes his time, moving round the board and checking things from various angles. Finally he tentatively makes a move. Sheldon moves almost immediately.
"Checkmate." Sheldon points out.
"O-o-o-o-h! Again?" Leo asks..
"Obviously you're not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed." I said. Sheldon started laughing.
"Just reset the board." Leo said.
"It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels." Sheldon said.
"(knocking and entering) Hi guys." Penny said.
"Hey!" Leo stated happy to see her.
"Did you get my mail." Penny asked us.
"Yeah, right here. How was Nebraska?" Leo answered.
"Oh, better than North Dakota! (Pause) I guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska." Penny answered.
"From the data at hand you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here." Sheldon piped up.
"Boy, it's good to be back." Penny said sarcastically.
"How was your family?" Leo asked her.
"Ugh, it was the worst trip, everyone got sick over the weekend." Penny answered.
"Sick?" I asked her.
"Here we go." Leo pointed out.
"(running to opposite side of the room with Alex) What kind of sick?" Sheldon asked.
"Oh, the flu I guess." Penny answered.
"We don't need you to guess, we need you to know, now when did the symptoms first appear?" I asked.
"Maybe Friday." Penny answered.
"Friday, was that morning or afternoon?" Sheldon asked.
"I... I don't..." Penny asked.
"Think woman, who blew their nose and when?" Sheldon asked again.
"Sheldon Alex, relax, she doesn't have any symptoms, I'm sure she's not contagious." Leo said.
"Oh please, if influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilus would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose." I pointed out.
"Penny, you'll have to excuse them two, they are a bit of a germophobe." Leo said.
"Oh, it's okay, I understand." Penny stated.
"Thanks for your consideration, now please leave." Sheldon pointed out.
"You'd better go before he starts spraying you with Lysol." Leo stated.
"Okay, well, thank you for getting my mail." Penny said before turning around.
"No problem. Welcome home." Leo said. He sees Penny out. Turns to find Sheldon spraying the air with Lysol. With Alex behind him.
"What?" Sheldon asked. The kitchen
"What the hell are you two doing?" Leo asked.
"I'm making petrie dishes to grow throat cultures." Sheldon answered.
"Watching because I have nothing better to do with my time and I was bored sat on the sofa.." I also answered.
"With lime jello?" Leo asked.
"I need a growth medium, and someone polished off the apricot yoghurt. Here, swab my throat." Sheldon stated I was sat on the chair watching.
"I don't think so." Leo said.
"Leonard! If I'm going to get ahead of this thing I need to find out what's growing in my throat. And I need to protect Alex." Sheldon said I looked at him and smiled.
"Sheldon, you are not sick. This is, but you are not. And you are already protecting her." Leo stated.
"We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska I'm fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies." Sheldon said.
"Sheldon, don't you think you're overreacting?" Leo asked him.
"When I'm lying comatose in a hospital relying on inferior minds to cure me, these jello cultures and my accompanying notes will give them a fighting chance." Sheldon answered.
"I'm going back to bed." Leo said before turning around.
"Wait. (Handing him a measuring jug) Put this in the bathroom." Sheldon said.
"What for?" I asked him.
"I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down." Sheldon answered.
"I mix pancake batter in this!" Leo pointed out.
"I know you do brother." I stated getting a drink laughing knowing what's about to happen.
"No, that measuring cup has always been for urine." Sheldon said.
"You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup." Leo pointed out.
"It's right here on the bottom." I pointed out.
"Huh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology." Leo states.
"Probaly do." I pointed out. Alex's and Sheldon's bedroom. Sheldon wakes up and coughs. Picks up an electronic thermometer and takes his temperature.
"Oh, dear God. (Shouting) Leonard! Alex! Leonard Alex, I'm sick!" Sheldon said waking me up.
"You will live let me sleep." I complained.
"(entering, wrapped in duvet) Leonard! Leonard! Leonard. Leonard, my comforter fell down, and my sinuses hurt when I bend over. Leonard? (Bends to get phone as Alex walks in) Ow!" Sheldon said as I walked over to the couch as Sheldon called Leo and put him on loud.
"(voice on phone) Hey." Leo said.
"Leonard, where are you?" Sheldon asked him.
"(running down stairs) I'm at work." Leo answered.
"Why is he at work this early is the question." I pointed out.
"At six-thirty in the morning?" Sheldon asked.
"Yes." Leo decided to answer.
"On Sunday?" Sheldon asked again.
"Yes." Leo answered again.
"Why?" Sheldon keeps asking.
"They asked me to come in." Leo kept answering all Sheldon's questions.
"God why would they ask its a bloody Sunday." I stated.
"Well, I didn't hear the phone ring." Sheldon pointed out.
"They texted me." Leonard continued.
"When do the University text?" I asked.
"Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2am, and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate." Sheldon continued.
"No kidding?" Leonard questioned.
"No. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green." Sheldon says.
"Sheldon to much information for us." I point out.
"Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids." Leonard tries.
"What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionised plasma?" Sheldon asked.
"Drink whatever you want." Leo said.
"Just nothing to annoy me." I pointed out.
"I want soup." Sheldon basically begs.
"Then make soup." Leo said.
"He don't know how to make soup. I think." I mention.
"We don't have soup." Sheldon continued.
"And there's that." I stated.
"I'm at work, Sheldon." Leo continued. A barking dog could be heard.
"Is that a dog?" I asked.
"Yes," Leo answered.
"In the lab?" Sheldon asked.
"Yes, they're training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists, I have to go." Leo said before ending the call. He looks at me.
"No I'm not making you soup Sheldon." I stated getting up and walking to our room.
"Where are you going?" Sheldon asks.
"To the shop. I'm hungry and we have no food." I answer.
"Get me soup?" He asked again.
"No call Howard." I answered again. I knew he was calling Howard.
"Hello." I heard Howard say.
"Howard, I'm sick." Sheldon states.
"(imitating his mother's voice) Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?" Howard asked in his mothers voice.
"I need soup." Sheldon answers.
"Then call your own mother." Howard said. I called Howard because I knew Leo and the boys were hiding.
"No Sheldon you don't need soup." Howard says.
"Two things I'm not a boy and I'm not Sheldon." I answered.
"Oh Alex what do you need?" Howard asked.
"I know you're hiding from Sheldon I'm coming as well need anything from the shop?" I asked him.
"Cookies can we have cookies please." Howard answers.
"Fine cookies." I state before ending and walking into the living room.
"Can you can me soup please?" Sheldon asked again.
"No Sheldon go to Penny I need to get fresh cookies for Howard." I answered leaving. I got a text from Leo telling me about the plat of the apes marathon at the New Art today. The cinema. Everyone is wearing ape masks. It was funny.
"Look at this, everyone went chimp." Howard pointed out.
"Well I'd like to point out, I voted for orang-utan, but you shouted me down." Raj says. A phone rings. I look at Leo.
"Oh, hi Penny!" Leo said.
"I'm... uh... at work." Leo said I looked at him.
"Well I like this work." I stated looking around me.
"You sound funny." I heard Penny say.
"I'm... uh... in a... I'm in a radiation suit. What's up?" Leo asked.
"Yeah, well I'm at work too, and you'll never guess who's here infecting my entire station." Penny said.
"(To Alex Howard and Raj) Sheldon's at the Cheesecake Factory. (Into phone) Just tell him to go home." Leo said to us and Penny.
"He won't leave, he says he's afraid he'll pass out on the bus and someone will harvest his organs." Penny stated I tried not to laugh.
"(To Alex Howard and Raj) He's paranoid, and he's established a nest." Leo said I just nodded.
"Can you please come get him?" Penny asked I shook my head.
"Uh, yeah, I'd be... I'd be happy to Penny. (Holds phone up, Howard and Alex makes warning siren noises) Oh my God there's a breech in the radiation unit (Raj joins in) The whole city is in jeopardy, oh my God, Professor Googenfeil is melting, gotta go, bye! (To Alex Howard and Raj) I feel really guilty." Leo said.
"I don't you'd do the same thing if it was me." I state looking at him.
"You did what you had to do." Raj says he then steals some of Howard's popcorn.
"Take your stinking paws off my popcorn you damn dirty ape." Howard said making me laugh. 10 hours later.
"Here we go, ten and a half hours of apey goodness." Raj says.
"Oh dammit, my glasses. Okay, I'm blind here guys, can you help me find them?" Leo asks us.
"Sorry. (Crunching sound) Found 'em." Howard said making me laugh.
"Oh great." Leo said making me laugh more.
"Sorry, don't you have a spare." Howard stated.
"Yeah, at home." Leo answered.
"Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston." Raj states.
"Unless Sheldon's there, in which case you'll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web.
"(Dials phone) Hi, Penny. I was wondering, is Sheldon still at the restaurant? Okay, that was very nice of you. Okay, gotta go, got kind of a full blown Chernobyl thing here, gotta go, bye. (To Howard) He's home, I'm screwed. Ten and a half hours of apey blurriness." Leo said making me laugh.
"How about Lasic?" I asked him looking at him.
"You want me to get eye surgery?" Leo aske me.
"Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon, or have a stranger carve out your corneas with a laser beam?" I asked looking at him.
"Well?" Howard asks Leo.
"I'm thinking!" Leo answers. Raj is holding a laptop, Howard is feeding the camera under the door outside the apartment.
"What do you see, what do you see." Leo said. I looked over Raj's shoulder.
"The living room appears to be empty." Raj states.
"Okay, he must be in his bedroom. My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my Bat-signal." Leo stated I just looked at him.
"I'm not going in there." Me and Howard said at the same time.
"Raj?2 Leo asked the guy next to me.
"No way, Jose." Raj answers.
"Well I can't do it, I can't see anything." Leo stated.
"So is that something we should care about." I stated looking at my brother.
"It's all right, wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset. We'll be your eyes." Howard said.
"Fine." Leo answered.
"One more thing. This is a subsonic impact sensor. If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop. At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you'll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses." Howard went on.
"Won't my footsteps set it off?" Leo asked.
"No, you'll be on your hands and knees. Now you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to mine and Sheldon's room." I answered not looking up from the laptop.
"Well, how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?" Leo asked. Leonard entering apartment on hands and knees, carrying the sensor in his teeth.
"Stay low. Bear left. Now keep true." Howard started.
"What?" Leo asked us.
"It means go straight." I answered for Howard.
"Then just say go straight." Leo went on.
"You don't stay go straight when you're giving bearings, you say keep true." Howard said.
"Alright (Bangs head on a trunk.) I just hit my head." Leo said. I just started laughing.
"Because you didn't keep true. (Time shift, Leonard is now outside bedrooms) Okay, turn right." Howard went on.
"The... the picture's breaking up." I stated looking at Raj.
"Angle your head to the right. A little more. A little more. (Leonard now has his head at right angles to his body) That's it, now just keep true. Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on." Howard stated.
"It wasn't on?" Leo asked us.
"No." Leo answered.
"No it wasn't brother." I went on.
"Then why did I have to crawl?" Leo asked.
"Oh, I guess you didn't." I answered.
"Okay, it's on." Leo stated.
"Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl." Howard said.
"I know." Leo went on.
"Hang on, the sensor's picking up something, turn your head back." Howard said the camera angle shows a pair of female legs.
"You rat bastard." Penny said.
"(running down stairs with Raj and Alex) Told you the sensor would work." Howard said.
"I'm never going home." I mumbled running down the stairs.