Nothing is how it seems

Season 1 Episode 10

We were in the downstairs lobby.
"See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2." Leo said.
"Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?" Sheldon said.
"Skynet is kinky? I don't know." Leo said.
"Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes." Sheldon said.
"Alright, oh wait, they use it to in..." Leo continued.
"(Buzzing noise), too late, I win." Sheldon says.
"(voice off, singing, quite tunelessly) Let's go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight." Penny sings.
"What the hell is that?" Leo asked.
"I don't know, but if cats could sing, they'd hate it too." I said. The continue up the stairs and disappear from view.
"(still singing off) You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Alex Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we'll take my... (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going?" Penny asked.
"What? Oh we just had to... mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken." Leo said. Sheldon very reluctantly does.
"You'll never guess what just happened." Penny said.
"Oh, I give up." Leo said.
"I don't guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I'm saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot." Sheldon said.
"What was that?" Penny asked.
"Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?" Leo asked.
"Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?" Penny asked.
"I have a conclusion based on an observation." Sheldon said.
"No you don't. No he doesn't." Leo said.
"Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her." Penny carried on.
"Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break." Leo said.
"It's not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know." Penny states.
"I think I know." Sheldon says.
"No you don't. He doesn't." Leo said.
"It's this Friday at eight, you guys want to come?" Penny asked.
"No." Me Sheldon and Leo answered.
"Because.... uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium." Leo said.
"I think that's a week from Tuesday at six." I said.
"No, it's this Friday, at eight." Leo said.
"Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys." Penn states.
"See you." Leo says. Penny exits singing.
"You just lied to Penny." Sheldon points out.
"Yes, I did." Leo answers.
"And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration." Sheldon said.
"So?" Leo asked.
"So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath." Sheldon answered. I just looked at him confused slightly.
"Sheldon, are you worried about your safety." I stated.
"No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you'd have done it a long time ago." Sheldon says.
"That's very true." I said. I exits. Sheldon looks worried for a moment, then retrieves the chicken from the bin and follows.
"(Knock, knock, knock, knock) Alex, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Alex, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Alex..." Sheldon tried.
"What?" I asked him opening the door.
"I need to speak to you." He answered.
"It's two o'clock in the morning." I answered. I slept in a different room since we had a spare incase I needed it.
"It's important." He answered.
"I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?" I asked him.
"Yes." He answered.
"(opening door): What?" I asked.
"You're right, it can wait until morning." Sheldon answered I just looked at him.
"(following Sheldon into living room): What, what, what, what, what?" I asked as Leo walked out of his room confused.
"Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you're in no state to talk." He answered.
"Sheldon, what is it?" Leo asked for me.
"I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny." Sheldon says to Leo.
"What was I supposed to say." Leo answered.
"You could have told her the truth." Sheldon pointed out.
"That would have hurt her feelings." I said.
"Is that a relevant factor?" Sheldon asked.
"Yes." I answered.
"Then I suppose you could have agreed to go." Sheldon said to Leo.
"And what would I have said afterwards?" Leo asked.
"I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing centre of your brain." Sheldon answered.
"I couldn't say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again." Leo said.
"Why?" I asked him.
"It's the social protocol, it's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at." Leo answered.
"I was not aware of that." Sheldon says.
"Well now you are." I answered.
"Oh, alright. Leonard." Sheldon said.
"Yes." Leo answered.
"When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can't wait to play you again. Goodnight." Sheldon said. Leonard's bedroom.
"(Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock)....." I tried for Sheldon.
"Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?" Leo asked.
"I was analysing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse." Sheldon says.
"How?" Leo asked him.
"Simple. If she were to log on to , click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire." Sheldon says. Leonard closes door.
"Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today." I say. Outside Penny's door. Sheldon dragged me outside to Penny.
"(Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning." Sheldon says.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?" Penny asked.
"Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical." Sheldon answered.
"What do you want?" Penny asked.
"Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?" Sheldon asked.
"I remember symposium." Penny answered.
"Yes, well, he lied." Sheldon piped up.
"Wait, what?" Penny asked.
"He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it." Sheldon answered.
"Well imagine how I'm feeling." Penny says.
"Hungry? Tired? I'm sorry this really isn't my strong suit." Sheldon mentions. The living room. Sheldon managed to convince me not to start my work I needed to do.
"You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?" Leo asked.
"To help you." Sheldon answered.
"I'm sorry, I'm not seeing the help." Leo mentioned.
"She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me." Sheldon said.
"Oh, I'm getting a bad feeling." I said standing up.
"Hunger? Indigestion, I'm sorry I'm really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we're going to participate in my cousin Leopold's drug intervention." Sheldon said.
"Your cousin Leopold?" I asked him.
"Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it's important." Sheldon said.
"What's important?" I asked.
"Details, Leonard Alex, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details." Sheldon said.
"Do you have a cousin Leopold." I said.
"No, I made him up. I think you'd call him Lee." Sheldon said.
"I don't get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?" Leo asked.
"Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web." Sheldon answered.
"Un-unravelable?" I asked.
"Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she'll find a facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com." Sheldon says.
"Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing." Leo said.
"Ah, because it's in Long Beach, and I don't drive." Sheldon said.
"We're going to Long Beach?" I asked.
"No, of course not, there's no cousin Leo, there's no intervention, focus Leonard Alex." Sheldon says.
"Oh, come on!" I say sitting down.
"We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab." Sheldon says.
"So he goes back into rehab?" I ask.
"Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again." Sheldon says.
"You still told her I lied." Leo says.
"For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I'm assuming is embarrassing, yes?" Sheldon asked.
"I don't know. How am I supposed to remember all of this." I answered.
"That's the best part, you don't have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she's agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force." Sheldon said.
"So she's expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we're pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach?" Leo asked.
"Un-unravelable." Sheldon answers. We were in the apartment.
"(opening door) Oh hey Penny, wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase, you look great." Leo says.
"Thanks. I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium." Penny pipes up.
"Oh, well, thankyou." Leo says I just walk out of the kitchen and sit at my desk.
"You know, I got to tell you, a lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that's not who you are, you are the kind of guy who stands by a friend when... when he has a symposium to go to." Penny says.
"I don't know what to say." Leo piped up.
"It's okay, Leonard" Penny said then she hugs him.
"Oh, okay, alright, good." Leo answered.
"{arriving) Oh boy, group hug." Howard said joining in.
"Uh-huh!" Penny says.
"Uh-huh?" Howard asks.
"Uh-huh!" I answered.
"Okay. So what's up?" Howard asks.
"Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a symposium on molecular positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian." Sheldon says.
"Wait a minute, Farminfarmian is speaking and you're Bogarding the symposium." Howard says.
"Howard, I'm sorry... we're... we're." Leo says.
"No, no, you're quark-blocking us." Howard pipes up.
"I don't know what to say." I say.
"Wow." Howard says.
"Howard, listen..." I try.
"No, it's okay, it's your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening." Howard butted in.
"Rude. Goodbye then loser." I say walking back to my desk.
"Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them." Penny says.
"Okay, sure. I don't see a problem with that." Sheldon says.
"There's no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn't that right Leonard." Penny says.
"Well... I don't know what to say." Leo states.
"It's okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm...ian"Penny tries.
"Good for you." I pipe up.
"Hah, yeah! Because he didn't want Sheldon to be embarrassed, and there is nothing to be embarrassed okay, every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner." Penny carries on.
"(after Raj whispers in her ear): No, I'm lost too, I think she skipped a step." I said to Raj.
"No, look, Sheldon's cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he's in a Motel 8 at Long Beach, the whole family's going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this because he's such a good man." Penny says.
"Oh, another hug, thank you." Leo states.
"Alright you guys, good luck." Penny pipes up.
"Thanks Penny." Leo states.
"Yeah, uh, break a leg." Howard said.
"Break a leg." I said. She leaves.
"So, road trip to Long Beach." Howard said.
"No, we're not going to Long Beach." I pipe up.
"Why not?" Raj asks.
"Because Sheldon doesn't have a drug addicted cousin Leopold." I answer.
"Oh, too bad. I've always wanted to go to Long Beach." Raj says.
"Same Raj don't worry." I say.
"It's a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it's now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner." Sheldon says.
"Sounds fun." I say high fiving Raj.
"I'm game." Howard says.
"Shotgun." I shout.
"No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it's iffy." Sheldon says.
"Wait, are we really going to Long Beach?" Leo asks. Leonard's bedroom. The bedside table is piled with Queen Mary memorabilia.
"(Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard..." Sheldon says after dragging me to Leo's room.
"Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not." Leo says.
"No, that's the least of our worries. I've been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioural aspects, and I think there's a problem with the current version of our lie." Sheldon says.
"What are you talking about, it's fine, she bought it, it's over." Leo states.
"Sadly, it's not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realised that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab." Sheldon states.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because Leo is a middle child." Sheldon says.
"There is no Leo, how can you say that?" Leo asked.
"You didn't read the bio, did you? He's not just a middle child, he's the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab." Sheldon answers.
"I've got a solution." I suggest.
"Great, what is it?" Sheldon asked.
"Get out." I said.
"Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I've hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I'm just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We'll talk in the morning." Sheldon says. The living room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown. There is a strange man eating cereal at the kitchen table.
"Morning." The strange man says.
"Who are you?" Leo asks.
"I am Sheldon's cousin Leo." The man said.
"Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo." Leo stated as I walked in.
"Next I'll be known as Sheldon's mentally okay wife." I said grabbing some orange juice.
"I can see where the mentally okay bit comes from." Leo said giving me a high five.
"Au contraire. I'm 26 years old, I'm originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I've often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem." The man said.
"Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention." Sheldon said.
"And this is where I chose to stay." I said sitting down.
"Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology." The man said.
"For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you." Sheldon said.
"Sheldon?" I asked.
"I'm sorry, Leonard Alex, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he's a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theatre at MIT." Sheldon said.
"It was more of a double major actually. Theatre and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards." Tobi said.
"Okay thanks for letting us know Tobi." I stated.
"Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?" Leo asked.
"Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us." Sheldon answered.
"Oh...!" I said.
"Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain." Tobi said. I looked at the sheet of paper confused.
"Hey Tobi point me to where it says that." I said looking at him then back at the sheet of paper.
"No. We're going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production." Sheldon said.
"Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?" Tobi asked.
"Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny." Sheldon said.
"Hi. How did the intervention go." Penny said.
"Unfortunately, we weren't able to convince him to go to rehab." I lie.
"Well, based on what you told me, I'm not surprised." Penny said.
"But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbour." I said.
"Hi Leo, how are you feeling?" Penny asked.
"Let me ask you something, Penny. Have you ever woken up in a fleabag motel, covered in your own vomit, next to a transsexual prostitute?" Tobi asked. I looked at him confused.
"No." Penny answered.
"Then don't ask me how I'm feeling." Tobi said.
"Well, that's Leo. Hey, um, why don't you tell me about your showcase last night?" Leo asked.
"Oh, it was okay I guess, wasn't a big turn out but they both really seemed to like it." Penny said.
"There were only two people there?" I asked.
"By the end. Yeah." Penny said I looked at Sheldon.
"Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!" Tobi said.
"I'm... I'm sorry." Penny said.
"The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away." Tobi said I looked at him.
"Don't forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction." Sheldon said.
"That's never been proven." I said looking at the sheet.
"There have been studies." Sheldon said.
"Not double blind studies." Tobi said high fiving me.
"Hey this guy gets me." I said pointing to Tobi.
"How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group." Sheldon said.
"As you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly, let's give them some privacy." Leo said.
"Yeah. Hey, do you want to come over to my place, have coffee?" Penny asked.
"Sounds good." Leo answered.
"And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide." Tobi said.
"Your parents made the right decision." Sheldon said.
"Have you seen my parents." I piped up.
"I cannot work like this!" Tobi said. The apartment. Penny is on the sofa with Toby. They are watching TV I was sat at my desk..
"This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk, or high, or... or... wondering if you're a dude down there." Tobi said. I laughed slightly.
"Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You're gonna do okay." Penny said.
"One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time." Tobi answered.
"How long is he going to stay here." Leo said as I walked into the kitchen.
"He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying." I said.