Nothing is how it seems

Episode 12 season 1

We were sat in the University cafeteria.
"Here's the problem with teleportation." Sheldon stated.
"Lay it on us." I stated looking at him.
"Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another." Sheldon went on.
"How about that." Leo said looking at me.
"Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon." Sheldon went on.
"Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?" Leo asked.
"No, he would be exactly the same." Sheldon answered.
"That is a problem." Leo said making me laugh into the water I was drinking.
"So, you see it too." Sheldon stated. I just looked confused.
"(arriving) Dr Hofstadter, Dr Hofstadter, Dr Cooper." Dr Gablehouser said.
"Dr Gablehouser." Us three answered. I was confused to why she was here.
"Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here." Gablehouser went on.
"Graduate work, very impressive." Leo went on.
"And he's only fifteen years old." Gablehouser went on. I just looked at the kid.
"Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen." Sheldon went on.
"Alex graduated at 13 didn't you?" Leo asked I nodded drinking some of the water.
"Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea." Dennis said.
"Advantage Kim." Leo said. I just looked at the kid confused.
"I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why we're the best physics research facility in the country." Gablehouser went on.
"I already know you're not. You don't have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end." Dennis went on.
"Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end." Sheldon stated.
"Well, obviously you don't see it yet, but trust me, you will." Dennis went on I just sighed.
"Dennis, we discussed this, we're in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we've agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen." Gablehouser went on. I just looked up to notice Dennis looking at me.
"Yes sir." Leo said I just looked annoyed.
"You can count on us, we're on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end." Sheldon said.
"I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition... ooh, look, chocolate milk." Dennis said getting distracted.
"I sense a disturbance in the force." Sheldon went on.
"(in a Yoda voice) A bad feeling I have about this, mmm-hmmm." Leo said making me laugh. We were in a corridor.
"So, Dennis, how long have you been in America." Leo went on.
"A year and a half." Dennis answered.
"No kidding, you speak English really well." Leo went on making me laugh.
"So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions." Dennis answered.
"What are you talking about?" Leo asked.
"That." Dennis answered.
"Okay well done." I answered.
"He's not wrong. Alright, and this is my office." Sheldon went on.
"Isn't it our office?" I asked Sheldon.
"Is this part of the tour?" Dennis asked.
"Nope. Goodbye." Sheldon said.
"Come on, Sheldon, we've hardly shown him anything." Leo tried he looked at me.
"Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye." Sheldon said.
"Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections." Dennis said looking at the board.
"Keen observation, goodbye." I said getting annoyed.
"You see where you went wrong, don't you?" The kid asked.
"Leonard." I begged my brother.
"Huh, yeah?" Leo asked.
"Get him out." Sheldon answered.
"Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the rec centre, they've got nautilus equipment." Leo went on.
"Do I look like I lift weights." Dennis went on.
"Yes you do." I answered.
"Not heavy ones." Leo went on.
"It's startling to me you haven't considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach." Dennis said.
"You think I haven't considered it? You really think I haven't considered it?" Sheldon asked.
"Have you considered it?" Dennis asked.
"Get him out Leonard." I begged.
"Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the radiation lab." Leo went on.
"Wow, you won the Stephenson award." Dennis said pointing to mine and Sheldon's awards.
"Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it." Sheldon went on.
"Second youngest." I stated.
"Really, how old?" Dennis asked.
"Fourteen and a half and fifteen." Sheldon answered.
"You were the youngest two people ever to win it." Dennis said.
"It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?" Leo asked. We were in the living room of the apartment.
"(to Raj) Mmm, this is really delicious, isn't it? (Raj looks uncomfortable, then nods.) Still can't talk to me unless you're drunk, huh? (Shakes head) Oh, sweetie, you are so damaged." Penny said I just laughed.
"Hey, I'm damaged too. How about a hug for Howie?" Howard asked.
"Sure. Raj, hug Howard." Penny stated.
"(dramatically) Uh-uh-uh." Sheldon went on.
"Something you'd like to share? A tale of woe perhaps." I said looking at my boyfriend.
"Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to... you know, that other guy." Sheldon said.
"Antonio Salieri?" Howard asked I just looked at the man.
"Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me." Sheldon went on.
"You know, Sheldon, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them." Howard went on.
"God I swear you don't know what your talking about." I stated.
"Just eat, Sheldon, you'll feel better." Leo went over.
"Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they don't keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes." Sheldon pointed out.
"I'm confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk?" Penny asked.
"You can't let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter." I went on ignoring Penny.
"Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg." Sheldon went on.
"So, you've got a bit of competition, I really don't see what the big deal is." Penny went on.
"Well of course you don't, you've never excelled at anything." Sheldon continued wining.
"I don't understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?" Penny asked.
"We liked Leonard." Howard answered.
"I shear an apartment with him so I had to." I stated.
"Well, what are you going to do, Sheldon, give up?" Leo asked.
"Yes. That's what a rational person does when his entire life's work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die." Sheldon stated.
"You know, I'm confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?" Penny asked. A few hours later.
"Hey." Sheldon went on.
"Hey." I answered.
"Hey." Leo answered.
"I've decided you're right. My career is not over." Sheldon stated.
"Great." Leo answered.
"But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on." Sheldon went on.
"Great." Leo continued.
"So I've decided, I'm going to collaborate with you." Sheldon went on. I sighed slightly.
"Great." Leo went on.
"What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but I've never really paid attention." Sheldon went on I just looked at him.
"Okay, well, right now I'm designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really don't need any help." Leo continued.
"Oh, sure you do. Now, see, what's this here in the schematic, is that a laser array?" Sheldon asked.
"Yes." I answered looking between the boys.
"No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon?" Sheldon asked.
"It would blow up." Leo answered.
"Are you sure?" Sheldon asked.
"Pretty sure." I stated.
"Pretty sure's not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff?" Sheldon asked me I just looked at him.
"Okay, Sheldon, I understand that you're going through a bit of a career crisis, you're searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully." I stated.
"Alright." Sheldon stated.
"Go away." Leo stated.
"If you're concerned about sharing credit with me, you're name can go first... I'm going. Alex please come with me." Sheldon stated. I just sighed and took him to Howard's lab.
"(into phone) It's a small brown paper bag, Ma, I'm looking at it right now. (Pause.) Why would I make that up, there's no ding-dong in it. (Pause.) How are two ding-dongs tomorrow going to help me today?" Howard asked.
"(entering) So, this is engineering, huh?" Sheldon asked I nodded.
"(into phone) I'll talk to you later." Howard stated.
"Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science." Sheldon went on I just stood there and mouthed help me.
"Sheldon, what are you doing here?" Howard asked.
"I just came by to say hello." Sheldon answered I just looked at him confused.
"I've been at this lab for three years, you've never came by to say hello. And you never say hi to her." Howard pointed out.
"Yeah cause if you forgot I work on the desk next to him." I stated.
"Well, up until now I've had better things to do. So, what are we making today?" Sheldon asked.
"A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that's going up on the next space shuttle." Howard explained.
"Really, how does it work?" Sheldon had to ask.
Howard: When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it." Howard had to explain.
"Uh, huh. So it's a shelf?" Sheldon asked again.
"No, you don't understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide... yeah, okay, it's a shelf." Howard pointed out. I just laughed.
"Now, I notice you're using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, they're lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength." Sheldon tried.
"Sheldon, there's a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering." Howard pointed out.
"And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes." Sheldon stated.
"Sheldon." Howard started.
"Yes." Sheldon stated.
"Go away." Howard stated.
"Did Leonard tell you to say that?" Sheldon asked Howard looked at me and I shook my head.
"No, I thought of it all by myself." Howard answered.
"Huh. It can't be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I'm missing." Sheldon stated as he dragged me to Raj. Raj is exiting his office.
"Go away." Raj says as Sheldon exits dragging me behind him.
"Curiouser and curiouser." Sheldon pointed out. I was sat at the apartment.
"(entering) Is he here?" Howard asked walking in.
"He would be arguing with me about why I shouldn't read the unimportant comics." I stated.
"If he were, I wouldn't be." Leo continued.
"Do you know what he did. He watched me work for ten minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me." Raj started.
"He does it to me often." I sated picking up a Marvel comic.
"Is that even possible?" Leo asked.
"As it turns out, yes." Raj answers.
"Something's got to be done about him, Leonard." Howard stated.
"Like what? He'll never be able to cope with the fact that some fifteen year-old kid is smarter and more accomplished than he is." Leo pointed out.
"Well, what if something were to happen to this boy so he was no longer a threat to Sheldon." Raj states.
"Then our problem would be solved." Howard continues.
"Hang on, are we talking about murdering Dennis Kim? I'm not saying no." Leo stated.
"I say yes." I pointed out.
"We don't have to go that far, there are other means available." Howard stated.
"We can't send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out." Raj went on.
"The only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus." Howard pointed out.
"That won't happen, he's not interested in anything but physics." Leo tried.
"What about biology?" I asked.
"What?" Leo asks.
"You know, biology? The one thing that can completely derail a world class mind." Howard continues.
"Howard Alex, he's fifteen." Leo pointed out.
"Yeah, so, when I was fifteen I met Denise Polmerry and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 to a 1.8." Howard started.
"She was sleeping with you?" Raj asks.
"My question exactly." I stated.
"No, I just wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did." Howard answers.
"(entering) Oh, good, you're all here. Look, I've decided that if the three of you drop whatever it is you're working on and join me, we could lick cold fusion in less than a decade, twelve years tops. (They stare at him.) Go away? (They nod) Hmm. Could it be me?" Sheldon stated. I just looked at him. Outside of Penny's apartment.
"(opening door) Oh, hey guys, what's up?" Penny asked us.
"We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys." Howard answers.
"What?" Penny asked again.
"Howard, that's racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick." Leo stated. Penny slams door.
"It's possible she may have misunderstood us." Raj pointed out.
"Wouldn't surprise me." I stated. The welcoming party I was stood behind Sheldon.
"I really don't understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldn't the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land?" Sheldon asked.
"Go away." Goldfarb stated.
"We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem." Sheldon stated. I walked to the boys.
"Why are all these young women here?" Gablehouser asked.
"It's take your daughter to work day." Leo answered. I just looked at him.
Gablehouser: Really, I was not aware of that." Gablehouser stated.
"Oh, yes. There was a very official email that was sent to everyone whose insurance files indicated they had daughters between the ages of 14 and 16." Raj piped up.
"Hm?" Gablehouser asked.
"Smooth." Howard stated.
"Thank you." Raj stated.
"There's the man of the hour." Gablehouser stated.
"Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive age appropriate women." Leo stated.
"All he has to do now is hook up with one of them." Howard points out. We look at Dennis, who is picking his ear.
"Does anyone else see the flaw in this plan?" Leo asked I shook my head.
"We need a social catalyst." Raj answers.
"Like what? We can't get fifteen year-old girls drunk." Leo pointed out.
"I say we can." I stated.
"Or can we?" Howard asks agreeing with me.
"No, we can't." Leo answers looking at us two.
"I don't think you mean we can't. I think you mean we shouldn't." Howard pointed out.
"Hey, Howard. You're a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, it's definitely me." Sheldon stated walking off.
"Okay, we cannot leave this to chance, lets pick a girl, and figure out how to get her together with Dennis." Leo continued.
"Okay. How about that one." I stated looking at a girl.
"Uh-uh. I know the type, cheerleader, student council, goes out with jocks, won't even look at anybody in the gifted programme. And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to be a set-up and you're in the back seat of your mom's car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you." Howard answers.
"Are you crying?" Raj asks.
"No, I have allergies." Howard answers.
"Okay, uh, how about her?" Raj asks.
"Sure. If he wants to spend a couple of years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat White Russians, while you're the one holding her head out of the toilet while she's puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you, and they she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her, and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you." Leo stated.
"Okay, so not her either. How about her?" Raj asks.
"Interesting, kind of pretty, a little chubby so probably low self-esteem." I pointed out.
"I think that's our girl. One of us should go talk to her." Leo states.
"I can't talk to her, you do it." Raj pointed out.
"I can't just go up and talk to her. Howard Alex, you talk to her." Leo tried.
"Not unless I want to die." I stated.
"Oh no, she'll never go for the kid once she gets a peek at this." Howard answers.
"You know, if we were in India this would be simpler. Five minutes with her dad, twenty goats and a laptop and we'd be done." Raj states.
"Well, we're not in India." I told him.
"Alright, why don't we do it your way then? We'll arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end." Raj tries.
"Okay, that was uncalled for." Leo states.
"That wasn't even a hit at me." I stated.
"You started it, dude." Raj says to me.
"Could I have everyone's attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. We're here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family." Gablehouser stated. I just looked at him confused.
"(sarcastically) Welcome Dennis Kim." Sheldon said from beside me.
"Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award." Gablehouser stated.
"Youngest till the cyborgs rise up!" Sheldon stated I hit him on the shoulder before going back to the boys.
"And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr Dennis Kim. Dennis! Dennis!" Gablehouser tried.
"What?" Dennis asked.
"Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research." Gablehouser answers.
"Um, no thanks. I'm going to the mall with Emma." Dennis stated.
"Well, uh, well, uh...." Gablehouser tried. I didn't wanna laugh.
"The kid got a girl." I pointed out.
"Unbelievable." Raj said agreeing.
"Did anyone see how he did it?" Howard asked. I shook my head.
"(to Gablehouser): Don't worry, I've got this. Ladies and Gentlemen, honoured daughters. While Mr Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you." Sheldon stated.
"He's back." Howard pointed out.
"Yeah, mission accomplished." I stated.
"Forget the mission, how did that little yutz get a girl on his own?" Raj asks.
"That's what I want to know." I stated.
"I guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy." Howard tried.
"Well, why do we go home alone every night, we're still smart." Leo pointed out.
"Maybe we're too smart. So smart it's offputting." Raj piped up.
"Yeah, let's go with that." Howard stated. The park. The four guys are carrying remote control rockets. Alex following behind.
"Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station, and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park." Howard complained.
" I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman "you have to frisk me, I have a rocket in my pants."" Leo tried making me laugh.
"Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) It's Dennis Kim." Raj pointed out.
"Wow, I almost didn't recognise him." I stated.
"You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him." Raj stated. Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma.
"I don't." I stated sitting down.
"Yeah, we really ruined his life." Leo pointed out.
"Screw him, he was weak." Sheldon stated agreeing with me.