Nothing is how it seems

Season 1 Episode 17

The apartment living room I was sat on the couch.
"Wo de zhing shi Sheldon." Sheldon tried.
"No, it's Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon." Howard stated as he makes a hand movement with every syllable.
"Wo de ming zi shi Sheldon." Sheldon stated as he copies hand movements. I just sat there watching confused.
"What's this?" Howard asked as he repeats hand movements.
"That's what you did. I assumed as in a number of languages that the gesture was part of the phrase." Sheldon stated.
"Well it's not." Howard tried. I just looked at him.
"How am I supposed to know that? As the teacher it's your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter." I stated,
"You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin." Howard went on.
"Why?" Sheldon asked.
"Once you're fluent you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me." Howard answered.
"(entering) Hey!" Leo states.
Mai du lui tsa." Sheldon tried making me laugh.
"You just called Leonard a syphilitic donkey." Howard pointed out.
"My apologies Leonard, I'm only as good as my teacher." Sheldon stated,
"Why are you learning Chinese?" Leo asked.
"I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken and I intend to confront them." Sheldon says. I just look at him.
"If I were you, I'd be more concerned by what they're passing off as chicken." I state,
"(storming in) I need to use your window." Penny states.
"Oh, yeah, no, sure, go ahead." Leo states.
"(opening window) Hey Jerkface, you forgot your iPod!" Penny exclaimed as she threw it out.
"What's going on?" Leo asked.
"Oh, I'll tell you what's going on, that stupid self-centred bastard wrote about our sex life in his blog. (Out of window) Drop dead, you stupid self-centred bastard! (To Leonard) Thank you." Penny states before she leaves.
"Okay, where were we?" I asked the group.
"Not now, I have a blog to find." Howard stated. We were in the apartment. The guys are playing a board game and eating Chinese food.
"Howard, I'm going to need another Mandarin lesson. I obviously didn't make my point with those people." Sheldon stated.
"For God's sake, Sheldon, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken." I stated.
"I like tangerine chicken, I'm not getting tangerine chicken." Sheldon explained.
"Can we please change the subject." Leo begged.
"Sure. Tell us again how you screwed up and got Penny back together with her old boyfriend." Raj pointed out.
"Just roll the dice." Leo stated.
"(rolls and moves) Enslaved by warlocks, stay here till you roll 2, 4 or 6...7." Raj tried.
"She was mad at him. She was done with him, the relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!" Leo explained.
"Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it." Howard stated sarcasm in his voice.
"Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling. Previously I felt sympathy for the Leonard character, now I just find him to be whiny and annoying." Sheldon tired.
"Just eat your tangerine chicken." I stated.
"I'd love to, but I don't have tangerine chicken." Sheldon states.
" (storming in) Thank you so much for your stupid advice." Penny stated. She slams door again.
"Incredible. You managed to screw up the screw-up." Raj stated. We were in the the lobby. Sheldon is listening to an iPod. I was reading a book.
"Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your citrus peels. Gei wo kan, ni jud di zi pei. Show me your..." Sheldon tried.
" (tapping them on the shoulder) Sheldon. Alex." Penny stated.
" (jumping in panic) Aieee ya! Xia si wo le." Sheldon yelled.
"I'm sorry. Look, do you two have a second." Penny stated.
"A second what? Pair of underwear?"Sheldon asked.
"I was just wondering if I could talk to you? It's about Leonard. And Alex your his sister." Penny stated.
"Why us? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?" I asked.
"Well, Raj can't talk to me unless he's drunk, and Wolowitz is, you know, disgusting." Penny stated I tried not to laugh.
"Yes, I suppose he is." I stated.
"All I'm saying is, you know Leonard the best." Penny states.
"Not necessarily. I'm often surprised by my lack of familiarity with Leonard. Just the other day I discovered, he not only has a loofah, he hides it. Why do you suppose a man would be ashamed of having a loofah? I myself prefer to have my excess epithelial cells slough off naturally, but I don't condemn those who seek to accelerate the process.  (Time shift) And until recently I had no idea that despite his lactose intolerance, he can tolerate small amounts of non-fat ice cream without producing a noxious gas that I maintain in the right concentration could be weaponised." Sheldon stated as he begins to unlock apartment door.
"Leonard might come home, can we talk in my apartment." Penny stated.
"We're not done?" Sheldon asked.
"No." Penny answered.
"Ach, why not? We're already through the looking glass anyway." I stared.
"Okay, so, here's the thing. I guess you're aware that Leonard asked me out." Penny stated.
"Well, he didn't actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia." Sheldon explained.
"Oh, that's nice. Anyhow, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just... want to sit down?" Penny asked.
"Oh, I wish it were that simple. You see, I don't spend much time here and so I've never really chosen a place to sit." I stated.
"Well, choose." Penny tired.
"There are a number of options and, I'm really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice." Sheldon tried.
"Alright, why don't you just pick one at random, and then if you don't like it you can sit somewhere else next time." Penny explained.
"No, no, that's crazy. You go ahead and talk while I figure it out." Sheldon went on
"Okay. Um, here's the thing. So, I've known for a while now that Leonard has had a little crush on me..." Penny drifted on.
"A little crush? Well I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy." I piped up.
"Alright, yeah, I don't really know who they are..." Penny pointed out.
"Well Menelaus was the brother of Agamemnon..." Sheldon went off.
"Yeah, I don't care, I don't care. The point is Leonard isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with." Penny pointed out.
"Leonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with. Would you be open to rotating the couch clockwise thirty degrees?" I asked her.
"No. What I'm saying is, Leonard might be different in a good way. Obviously my usual choices have not worked out so well." Penny stated.
"The last one worked out well for Koothrappali. He got a free iPod. Oh, glare!" Sheldon stated.
"But on the other hand, if things don't go well with Leonard, I risk losing a really good friend. I mean, I guess he's not looking for a fling, he's the kind of guy that gets into a relationship for, I don't know, like you would say light years." Penny tried.
"I would not say that. No-one would say that, a light year is a unit of distance, not time." I stated.
"Thank you for the clarification." Penny stated thanking me.
"Draft. You see people hear the word year and they think duration. Foot pound has the same problem, that's a unit of work, not of weight." Sheldon went on.
"Right, thanks." Penny thanked again.
"It's a common mistake." I pointed out.
"Not the first one I've made today." Penny piped up.
"Okay. I think this will be my seat." Sheldon continued.
"Sheldon Alex, do you have anything to say that has anything to do with, you know, what I'm talking about." Penny pointed out.
"Well, let's see. We might consider Schrodinger's Cat." Sheldon stated.
"Schrodinger? Is that the woman in 2A?" Penny asked.
"No. That's Mrs Grossinger. And she doesn't have a cat, she has a Mexican hairless, annoying little animal, yip yip yip yip..." I went on.
"Sheldon Alex!" Penny stated.
"Sorry, you diverted me. Anyway, in 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no-one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead." I went on.
"I'm sorry, I don't get the point." Penny stated.
"Well of course you don't get it, I haven't made it yet. You'd have to be psychic to get it, and there's no such thing as psychic." Sheldon went on.
"Sheldon, what's the point?" Penny asked.
"Just like Schrodinger's Cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is." Sheldon stated.
"Okay, so you're saying I should go out with Leonard." Penny asked.
"No, no, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger..." Sheldon went on. The University cafeteria.
"(pointing): Three seats right there." Leo stated.
"(to two oriental-looking people occupying the other seats): Chong sho sha pwe. (Caption translates to "Long Live Concrete".) Xie xie. (Sheldon stated which meant thank you.
"Sheldon Alex, I think I've made a mistake." Leo stated.
"I can see that. Unless you're planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy." Sheldon replied.
"No, it's about Penny." Leo stated.
"A mistake involving Penny? Okay, you'll have to narrow it down." I stated looking at him.
"I don't think I can go out with her tonight." Leo tried.
"Then don't." Sheldon stated.
"Other people would say "why not?"" Leo stated.
"Other people might be interested." I pointed out.
"I'm going to talk anyway." Leo pointed out.
"I assumed you would." I continued.
"Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited, I'm nauseous." Leo exclaimed.
"Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion." Sheldon went on.
"Right." Leo answered.
"You also made a common grammatical mistake, you said nauseous when you meant nauseated. But go on." I piped up.
"Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny, what happens if I blow it." Leo tried.
"Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby Doo cartoons comes to mind." Sheldon stated.
"You're not helping." Leo pointed out.
"Oh well." I stated looking at him.
"Alright, what response on my part would bring this conversation to a speedy conclusion?" Sheldon asked.
"Tell me whether or not to go through with the date." Leo stated.
"Schrodinger's Cat." Sheldon answered.
"Wow, that's brilliant." Leo stated.
"You sound surprised. Mmm, hou zi shui zai li du. Sheldon stated. What he said meant Your monkey sleeps inside me. The Szechuan Palace.
"(in Mandarin): Show me your mucus! Your mucus!" Sheldon stated making me laugh.
"(in Mandarin): Blow your own nose and go away." The owner continued.
"(in Mandarin): This is not a tangerine bicycle." Sheldon pointed out.
"(in English): Crazy man. Call the police." The owner stated.
"(in Mandarin) No. Don't call the library. Show me your mucus. (Leonard and Penny are seen entering, and then leaving again quickly.) Oxen are in my bed! Many, many oxen! Oy Vey!" Sheldon stated I turned around and left him.