Nothing is how it seems

Season 1 Episode 13

The apartment. Howard is looking at his mobile phone.
"Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth." Howard says I just look at him.
"I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception." Raj stated. I just looked at him.
"Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it's an extremely private matter." Sheldon piped up.
"Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn't just conceive." Leo went on.
"Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of pointy ears and shapely rears." Howard went on.
"How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same. No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, hey, get your thing out of my nose." I stated.
"(entering) Hi, can you help me, I was writing an email and the A key got stuck. Now it's just going "aaaaaaa"." Penny stated. We all looked at her confused.
"What did you spill on it?" Leo asked her.
"Nothing. Diet coke. And yoghurt. A little nail polish." Penny answered.
"I'll take a look at it." Leo stated.
"Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news. Fishman, Chen, Chowdry, McNair aren't fielding a team in the university physics bowl this year." Howard piped up.
"You're kidding, why not?" Leo asked.
"They formed a barbershop quartet, and got a gig playing Knotsbury Farm." Howard answered.
"Wow, so in your world, you're like, the cool guys." Penny stated.
"Recognise." Howard stated.
"This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod." Leo went on.
"Zod?" Penny asked.
"Kryptonian villain. Long story." Howard answered.
"Good story. " Raj says he clasps hands to mouth in shock. I just look at him and high five him.
"Well count me out." Sheldon piped up.
"What? Why?" I asked him.
"You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?" Sheldon asked.
"Come on, you need a five person team, we're five people cause you and Alex are one person." Leo stated.
"By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition." Sheldon answered.
"I want tickets to that please." Penny stated.
"Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you." Leo stated.
"No, don't." Sheldon stated.
"The needs of the many." I pointed out.
"Outweigh the needs of the few." Howard stated.
"Or the one. Dammit, I'll do it." Sheldon stated. We were in the cafeteria.
"Okay. First order of physics bowl business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions." Raj went on.
"How about the perpetual motion squad? It's beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies." Howard stated.
"The ladies?" Leo asked.
"Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night." Howard answered.
"I like it." Raj stated.
"I don't. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent." Sheldon went on. I just looked at him.
"Then we can be the Bengal Tigers." Raj stated.
"Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant." Sheldon went on.
"Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass." Raj went on.
"Let's put it to a vote. All those in favour...." Leo stated.
"Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant." I piped up.
"Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?" Leo asked.
"I will yield." Sheldon answered.
"After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?" Leo asked.
"He does." Sheldon answered.
"I move we are the Army Ants, all those in favour?" Leo asked. The apartment.
"Good afternoon, and welcome to today's physics bowl practice round. I'm Penny, and I'll be your host, because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn't that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?" Penny asked.
"Yes." Leo answered.
"Of course." I stated.
"Fire away." Howard pointed out. Raj puts his thumb up.
"You know, it's none of my business, but isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women going to hold you back a little?" Penny asked.
"Oh, uh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they're one on one and smell nice." Leo went on.
"Oh, thanks Raj, it's vanilla oil." Penny stated.
"I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let's just start." Leo stated.
"Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper." Penny stated.
"And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds." Sheldon answered.
"That is correct." Penny stated.
"I knew that too." Leo cheered.
"Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used
to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard." Penny stated.
"And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance." Sheldon answered for me.
"Right." Penny stated.
"Hey, I buzzed in." Howard stated looking at him.
"But I answered, it's called teamwork." Sheldon stated.
"Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer." Howard stated.
"By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal." Sheldon stated.
"Just ask another one." I stated.
"Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging?" Penny asked. Raj buzzes.
"And of course it's Gravity Probe B." Sheldon answered.
"Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer." I stated looking at him.
"Why?" Sheldon asked.
"Because it's polite." Penny answered.
"What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?" Sheldon asked.
"Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions." Penny answered.
"The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn't I give them?" Sheldon asked.
"Some of us might have the correct answers too." Howard stated.
"Oh please, you don't even have a PhD." Sheldon piped up.
"Some of us do Sheldon." I stated.
"Alright, that's it." Howard stated.
"Howard, sit down." Leo pointed out.
"Okay." Howard pointed out.
"maybe we should take a little break." I pointed out,
"Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury." Sheldon stated.
"(after Raj whispers in his ear) I agree." I stated looking at Raj.
"What did he say?" Penny asked.
"He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve." I answered,
"Yeah, and the bag it came in." Penny pointed out. The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. I was sat on the couch with a comic book. Leonard enters.
"Leonard Alex, excellent, I want to show you something." Sheldon piped up.
"Can it wait, I need to talk to you." Leo stated.
"Just look. I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colours are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold." Sheldon stated.
"Why do they say AA?" I asked.
"Army Ants." Sheldon answered.
"Isn't that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people." Leo stated.
"Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminium?" Sheldon asked.
"No, I meant.... never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!" Sheldon asked.
"Oh neat, what's the occasion?" Sheldon asked.
"Well, you're a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you're off the team." Leo stated.
"What?" Sheldon asked.
"Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting I even texted Alex her option." Leo stated.
" No you didn't." Sheldon stated.
"Yes we did, I just came from it." Leo pointed out.
"Okay, I don't know where you just came from, but it couldn't have been a team meeting because I'm on the team and I wasn't there, ergo the team did not meet." Sheldon tried.
"Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you're off the team." Leo went on.
"Why?" Sheldon asked. I just looked at him over my comic.
"Because you're taking all the fun out of it." Leo answered.
"Well, I'm sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?" Sheldon asked.
"Okay, let me try it this way, you're annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more." Leo answered.
"I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears." Sheldon stated.
"Thanks for the heads up." Leo went on.
"You're welcome. One more thing." Sheldon stated as I stood up.
"Yes." Leo stated.
"It's on, bitch." Sheldon stated. The cafeteria.
"So who'd he get to be on his team." Howard piped up.
"He won't say. He just smiles, and eats macaroons out of his bat jar." I answered.
"He's using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind. I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you." Raj pointed out.
"How exactly would that laugh go?" Leo asked.
"Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!" Raj stated.
"That sounds more like, we are a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians." Howard stated. I just looked at him confused.
"Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my room mate. And her boyfriend." Leo stated.
"So?" I asked him.
"So nothing, let's destroy him." Leo answered.
"(walking past) Gentlemen babe." Sheldon stated.
"Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!" Raj went on I just looked at him.
"Okay, we're going to need a strong fifth for our team." Howard pointed out.
"You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something." Raj tried I just tried not to laugh.
"Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team." Leo pointed out.
"How about the girl from the Wonder Years?" Raj asked I shook my head.
"Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems." Howard said nodding towards Leslie.
"We can't ask Leslie Winkle." Leo tried.
"Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney?" Raj asked.
"Yes." Leo answered.
"Sometimes you've got to take one for the team." I stated.
"Yeah. Sack up, dude." Raj said agreeing with me.
"Fine. Here I go, taking one for the team. In the sack. Hey Leslie." Leo went on.
"Hi guys." Leslie stated.
"Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I..." Leo tried.
"Hit that thang." I filled in highfiving Howard. I noticed Sheldon's gaze from behind me I looked at him and smirked.
"Leonard, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we've seen each other's faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus." Leslie went on.
"There's not? Gee, cos it sure sounds like there should be." Leo piped up.
"Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom." Leslie carried on I sighed.
"That's all very comforting, but if it's okay, I'd like to get on with my question now." Leo went on.
"Proceed." Leslie stated.
"We are entering the physics bowl and we need a fifth for our team." Leo explained.
"No thanks, I'm really busy with my like sign dilepton super symmetry search." Leslie stated.
"Dilepton, schmilepton, we need you." Howard stated.
"Sorry." Leslie went on.
"Well, we tried. Just have to face Sheldon mano-e-mano-e-mano. A-mano." I went on.
"Wait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper?" Leslie asked.
"Yes." I answered.
"That arrogant, misogynistic East-Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing? Sorry Alex." She stated.
"I'm not sorry." I went on.
"She's in." Leo pointed out. The Physics Bowl.
"So, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? (The guys look confused.) Are you ready?" Penny asked I shook my head.
"Oh, yeah. You know you don't have to stay for the whole thing." Leo pointed out.
"Oh, no, no, I want to. It sounds really interesting." Penny  lied.
"(entering in his Star Trek themed shirt) Gentlemen babe." Sheldon stated.
"Sheldon." I stated turning around to have my back against him.
"Sheldon." Leo copied.
"Sheldon." Howard finished.
"Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee." Raj laughed. 
"Sheldon. I'm just going to sit down." Penny stated before walking off.
"So, is that your team." Leo asked looking at a group of people.
"Actually, I don't need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require five, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?" Sheldon asked.
"Hello, Sheldon." Leslie answered.
"Leslie Winkle?" Sheldon asked.
"Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?" Leslie stated.
"Yes, well, I'm polymerised tree sap and you're non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you." Sheldon went on.
"Oh, ouch." Leslie sarcastically answered I tried not to giggle.
"Okay, if everyone could please take your seats." Gablehouser stated.
"Here's your tee-shirt. " Leo stated. He hands her a tee-shirt with PMS on it. Takes jacket off to reveal similar.
"PMS? It's a couple of days early, but..." Leslie stated.
"No, it stands for Perpetual Motion Squad." Leo interrupted.
"Oh, right, of course, what was I thinking?" Leslie asked.
"Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to this year's physics bowl. Today's preliminary match features two great teams... AA versus PMS." Gablehouser stated.
"All night long, y'all!" Howard stated. Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads "We Can Go All Night".
"Okay, well let's jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS?2 Gablehouser asked.
"The Eta Meson." I answered taking one for the team.
"Correct." Gablehouser stated.
"Formal protest." Sheldon piped up.
"On what grounds?" Gablehouser asked.
"The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt." Sheldon answered.
"Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?" Gablehouser asked.
"And of course, the answer is Technetium." Sheldon answered.
"Terrific. Next question, what is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation. (Buzz) PMS?" Gablehouser asked.
"Sheldon can suck on, the Casimir Effect." Raj answered.
"Correct." Gablehouser pointed out. I looked at Leo and high-fives him. Time shift.
"How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS?" Gablehouser asked.
"Shor's Algorithm." Leslie answered.
"Correct." Gablehouser went on. Time shift.