Nothing is how it seems

Season 1 Episode 14

The apartment.
"Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on whole-wheat." Sheldon complained.
"What did they give you?" I asked looking at him.
"Turkey and roast beef with swiss and lettuce on whole-wheat. It's the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash." Sheldon answered.
"Oh my god." I answered.
"I know, it's basic culinary science." Sheldon went on.
"Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no-one is bidding on it." Leo pointed out.
"A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?" Howard asked.
"No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice." Leo answered.
"Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it, it's rough." Raj went on.
"Oh, that's cool." Howard stated.
"Uh huh." Leo stated.
"It's only $800?" Raj asked.
"Yeah. And that's my bid." Leo went on.
"You bid $800." Sheldon stated.
"It was a spur of the moment thing, I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it." Leo tried to explain but it wasn't going very well.
"There's only 30 seconds left in the auction." Sheldon said pointing at the screen.
"Do you have $800?" I asked my dumb brother.
"Not to blow on a miniature time machine." Leo answered.
"Don't worry, the way these things work there's people waiting 'til the last second to bid, and then they swoop in and get it, it's called sniping." I stated looking over his shoulder.
"Fifteen seconds." Raj stated.
"Come on, snipers." Leo prayed.
"Ten, nine, eight..." Raj counted.
"Where are your snipers?" Leo asked.
"Five." Raj counted.
"Snipe." Leo tried.
"Four." Raj continued I just looked at him.
"Snipe." Leo still wanted people to snipe.
"Three." Raj went on.
"Snipe!" Leo carried on.
"Two." Raj almost finished with his counting.
"SNIPE!" Leo yelled.
"One." Raj said finishing the courting.
"Aaaa-aw!" Leo yelled. I just laughed at his pain.
"Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a miniature time machine." Raj stated.
"You lucky duck." I piped up laughing.
"I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia." Sheldon stated.
"Yeah, I know, I still can't afford it." Leo went on.
"Why don't we share it? We'll each put in two hundred bucks and we'll take turns having it in our homes." Howard tried. I nodded my head I wasn't getting to invested in this.
"A time share time machine? I'm in. Sheldon?" Raj asked.
"Need you ask? But I still don't understand why no-one else bid." Sheldon tried. The lobby. The guys stand around a full sized time machine.
"I understand why no-one else bid." Sheldon stated as I got to the bottom of the stairs.
"Did the listing actually say miniature?" I asked Leo.
"I just assumed. Who sells a full sized time machine for $800?" Leo questioned answered.
"In a venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "no longer want my time machine" and "need $800"." Sheldon stated.
"It's actually a tremendous bargain, even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound." I went on confused.
"Cocktain shrimp are $12.50." Raj stated.
"How are we going to get it upstairs?" Leo asked looking between us.
"If we take the dish off it might fit in the elevator." Howard answered.
"Yes but the elevator's been broken for two years." I stated.
"I've been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that?" Sheldon asked.
"Not necessary, I have a masters in engineering, I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads. When the Mars rover started pulling to the left I performed a front end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Presses lift button. Nothing happens.) No, that baby's broken." Howard stated. The stairwell, approaching the apartment door. Leonard and Sheldon are pulling the time machine up the last part of the stairs. Alex stands there.
"Come on, guys, push." Leo stated. I just watched laughing.
"(off) If I push any harder I'm going to give birth to my colon." Howard tried.
"(off) I can't feel my fingers, hurry up." Raj pointed out from the other side.
"It's the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics." Sheldon stated.
"Sheldon?" Raj asked.
"Yeah." Sheldon answered. I knew where this was going.
"If my fingers ever work again, I've got a job for the middle one." Raj stated.
"(coming out of her apartment): Oh, hey guys." Penny stated I turned around.
"(letting go of time machine, as does Sheldon): Uh, hi Penny. (Raj and Howard are heard to scream as the time machine slides back down the stairs.) Take a break, guys!" Leo stated.
"What are you doing?" Penny asked.
"Oh, just, you know, moving... something upstairs." Leo answered.
"What is it?" Penny asked.
"It's... you know, time machine." Leo answered making me laugh.
"Yeah, okay, neat, but I really got to get to work, so...." Penny tried.
"Uh, just give us a few minutes." Leo stated. I just looked at him.
"I don't have a few minutes, I'm running really late." Penny tried.
"Then I have a simple solution, go up to the roof, hop over to the next building, there's a small gap, don't look down if you're subject to vertigo, and use their stairwell." Sheldon piped up.
"You're joking, right?" Penny asked I shook my head.
"Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo." Sheldon answered.
"Damn, okay, I'll just take the roof." Penny pointed out walking off.
"Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke, it's not... never mind." Leo tried making me laugh.
"For what it's worth, I thought it was humorous." Sheldon stated.
"Let's just do this. Guys, ready to push?" Leo asked
"In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up." Raj answered. The living room. The time machine is set up.
"I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room." Sheldon went on.
"Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned." Leo pointed out.
"The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions, the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy." Sheldon went on.
"Talk about your chick magnets." Howard said laughing.
"Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!" Raj stated.
"Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns, but I think you'd agree that practicality dictates it remain here." Sheldon went on.
"You can't just keep it here, what if I meet a girl and say, "you wanna come up and see my time machine, it's at my friends house," how lame is that?" Howard asked.
"He's got a point." Raj agreed.
"Alright, I think we're going to need some ground rules, in addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine." Sheldon went on.
"Seconded." Leo agreed I walked to the kitchen not getting involved.
"I was going to put down a towel." Howard tried.
"I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis." Raj tried.
"That sounds fair." Leo went on.
"Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month?" Sheldon asked.
"Twice a month." Raj answered.
"Then no." Sheldon stated.
"Okay, every other month." Raj tried.
"No." Sheldon went on. I walked over and slapped his shoulder slightly.
"Sheldon, you can't be selfish, we all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us. Now out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. (Sits and turns it on. The three lights on the front illuminate. All let out an "oh".) Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876." Leo went on.
"Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson." Howard pointed out.
"Wait a minute, I'd want to see that too." Sheldon went on.
"So, when it's your turn you can." Leo carried on.
"But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell's lab is going to get very crowded, he'll know something's up." Sheldon stated.
"Also, since the time machine doesn't move in space, you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena." Raj stated.
" And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do, knock on the door and say to Mrs Bell, "hey Mrs Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?" Howard pointed out.
"Mrs Bell was deaf, she's not even going to hear you knock." I stated looking at him.
"Oh, I have a solution, first go into the future and obtain a cloaking device." Sheldon went on.
"Ooh, how far into the future?" Raj asked.
"If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning." Sheldon answered.
"Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328. Here we go into the future. (Pulls lever, the disk begins to spin. The other guys all run around the flat as if moving in fast motion.) That was fun." Leo finished.
"My turn." Raj stated.
"(entering) Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide, I slipped and skinned my knee." Penny tried.
"Are you okay?" Leo asked.
"Zzz-zz-zz-zz! Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch." Penny explained.
"That doesn't sound too bad." I stated.
"It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son." Penny finished.
"Sorry." Leo stated.
"Not done. By the time I finally got to work, they'd given my shift away. Yeah, that's right, I've lost an entire day's pay thanks to this... this..." Penny tried.
"Time machine." I butted in.
"The lights flash and the dish spins, you wanna try it?" Leo asked.
"No! I don't want to try it, my God, you are grown men, how could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books and... and now that... that..." Penny tried again.
"Again, time machine." Sheldon butted in.
"Oh please, it's not a time machine, if anything it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades." Penny stated I tried not to laugh.
"It only moves in time. It would be worse than useless in a swamp." Sheldon stated.
"Pathetic. All of you, completely pathetic." Penny stated. She storms out. A beat, and then...
"My turn!" Raj stated. Later that night, Leonard is sitting in the time machine, turning the lights on and off. Sheldon enters Alex close behind.
"Leonard, it's two in the morning." Sheldon stated.
"So?" Leo asked.
"So it's my turn. Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?" Sheldon asked.
"Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine." Leo stated.
"You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake." Sheldon explained.
"Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?" Leo asked.
"Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious." Sheldon answered.
"What if I knocked you unconscious right now?" Leo asked.
"It won't change the past." Sheldon answered making me laugh.
"But it would make the present so much nicer." Leo pointed out.
"Are you upset about something?" Sheldon asked.
"What was your first clue?" Leo asked back.
"Well, it was a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanour seems very low energy, plus your irritability..." Sheldon answered.
"Yes I'm upset." Leo pointed out.
"Oh! I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me." Sheldon stated.
"Yeah, good for you." I pointed out grabbing a tea.
"Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what's bothering you?" Sheldon asked.
"I don't know. Maybe." Leo pointed out.
"Wow, I'm on fire tonight." Sheldon went on,
"Uh, here's the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines." Leo went on.
"I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own. Look at your sister." Sheldon stated.
"Thanks for pointing it out." Leo stated.
"And thanks for bringing me up." I stated.
"In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother." Sheldon tried.
"Those are movies." Leo pointed out.
"Well of course they're movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That's absurd." Sheldon stated. The living room.
"What are you doing?" I asked Leo.
"I'm packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell." Leo answered.
"Well is that really necessary. If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen." Sheldon went on.
"It's not about money." Leo went on.
"(entering): We brought food." Raj stated.
"Lox and bagels, the breakfast of time travellers." Howard went on.
"Terrific, does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine?" Leo asked.
"Why?" Raj asked.
"Because I don't want it any more." Leo answered.
"Why?" Howard questioned again.
"Just... personal reasons." Leo answered.
"My spidey-sense tells me this has something to do with Penny." Sheldon stated.
"Look, do you want to buy me out or not?" Leo asked.
"I'll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony." Raj answered.
"Screw his balcony, I'll give you a hundred and twenty and we'll put it in my garage." Howard piped up.
"I paid two hundred dollars for my share." Leo pointed out. I watched the boys confused.
"Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot." Raj piped Up.
"I'll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is." Sheldon piped up.
"Three hundred, and I'll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millenium Falcon with real light speed sound effects." Raj stated.
"No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers, I'm getting rid of all of it." Leo went on.
"You can't do that, look what you've created here, it's like nerdvana." Howard stated.
"More importantly, you've a Darth Vader voice changer?" I asked.
"Not for long." Leo asked.
"Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash." Raj yelled.
"Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection." Howard stated.
"Too bad, I called dibs." Raj continued.
"Well you can't just call dibs." Howard tried.
!I can and I did, look up dibs on Wikipedia." Raj pointed out.
"Dibs doesn't apply in a bidding war." Sheldon stated.
"It's not a bidding war, I'm selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store." Leo stated.
"Why Larry? Did Larry call dibs?" I asked.
"Will you forget dibs!" Howard tried.
"He offered me a fair price for the whole collection." Leo answered.
"What's the number, I'll match it." I yelled.
"I'll match it, plus a thousand rupees." Raj stated.
"What's the exchange rate." Sheldon pointed out.
"None of your business. Take it or leave it." Raj stated.
"(on phone) Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel." Howard pointed out.
Leonard: Forget it guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
"Who cares, as long as you pick me." Sheldon stated.
"Okay, Leonard, put down the box, let's talk." I tried.
"Sorry Alex, my mind is made up." Leo stated.
"(moving to block his path) No. I can't let you do this." Sheldon tried.
"Sheldon, get out of my way." Leo tried.
"(brandishing toy sword from Leonard's box) None shall pass." Sheldon stated.
"Okay. I did not want to do this but, I have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek: The Next Generation Geordi LaForge, without his visor in the original packaging. If you do not get out of my way, I will open it." Leo pointed out.
"Okay man, be cool, we're all friends here." Howard tried.
"(coming out of her flat) What the hell's going on?" Penny asked.
"You hypocrite!" I stated.
"What?" Penny asked.
"Little Miss "grown ups don't play with toys". If I were to go into that apartment right now, would I find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello,Hello Kitty!" I pointed out.
"Okay, okay look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said, I was just a bit upset." Penny stated.
"No, I needed to hear it." Leo pointed out.
"No you didn't. Look, you are a great guy, and it is things you love that make you who you are." Penny stated.
"I guess that makes me large breasts." Howard tried.
"Still, I think it's time for me to get rid of this stuff and... you know... move on with my life." Leo lied I just looked at him.
"Really?" Penny asked.
"Yeah." Leo answered.
"Oh. Wow. Good for you." Penny pointed out. Kisses his cheek.
"Thanks. Hey, do you want to, I don't know, later..." Leo tried.
"Excuse me. Hey, Penny!" A man said.
"Hi Mike." Penny stated.
"Are you ready to go." Mike stated.
"Yeah, I just have to change." Penny pointed out.
"I'll give you a hand." Mike stated.
"Oh, stop it! Bye guys." Penny stated.
"(after a long pause) My turn on the time machine." Leo stated.