Nothing is how it seems

Season 1 Episode 16

The Cheesecake Factory. Raj and Sheldon are arm wrestling while playing tetris. There is a cacophony of cries such as "take him down" and "he's got you, Sheldon."
"Hey, guys, guys, some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something." Penny said.
"Oh, it's called trestling." Leo explained.
"It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of tetris into the ultimate sport." Howard stated.
"Yeah, that's terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you was to cut it the hell out. (To someone off) Right come on guys, come on. (Singing while approaching another table) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." Penny stated.
"We might as well stop, it's a stalemate. You're beating me in tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler Elf." Sheldon tried.
"Keebler Elf? I've got your Keebler Elf right here. (Strains to push Sheldon's arm down. Tries using both hands, still with no effect.) Okay, it's a stalemate." Raj points out.
"So Leonard Alex, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?" Penny asked.
"He can't eat cheesecake, he's lactose intolerant.
"I'm not I'll have my cake it's the one time a year I can get free cheesecake." I stated.
"Okay, he can have carrot cake. And come down Alex." Penny stated.
"What about the cream cheese frosting." Sheldon stated.
"He can scrape it off." Penny answered.
"Forget about the cake, how did you know that our birthday is Saturday?" Leo asked.
"I did your horoscope, remember, I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants." Penny answered.
"For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudo scientific hokum." Sheldon went on
"Blah blah blah, a typical Taurus. So, seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?" Penny asked.
"Oh, I don't think so." Leo answered.
"Why not?" Penny asked.
"We don't celebrate our birthday." I answered.
"Shuddup, yeah you do." Penny stated looking between us.
"No, it's no big deal, it's just the way we was raised. our parents focussed on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them." Leo tried.
"Uh, that's so silly." Penny stated.
"It's actually based on very sound theories, their mother published a paper on it." Sheldon stated.
"What was it called, "I hate my twins and that's why they can't have cake?" Penny asked.
"It was obviously effective, them two grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied them Christmas they'd be a little better at it." Sheldon answered as I griped his hand hard.
"Thank you." Leo stated,
"Well I love birthdays, waking up to Mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends." Howard explained.
"Yeah, see, that's what kids should have." Penny pointed out.
"Actually that was last year." Howard pointed out.
"So you've really never had a birthday party?" Penny asked.
"No we haven't." I answered.
"No. But it was okay. I mean, when we was little I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind, and surprise us with a party, like this one birthday I came home from my Cello lesson, and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front, and when I got to the door I could hear people whispering, and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favourite." Leo tried. I remembered this day.
"And?" Penny asked.
"Uh, it turns out our grandfather had died." Leo answered.
"Oh my God, that's terrible." Penny stated.
"Oh, it was kind of like a birthday party. We got to see all our cousins and there was cake, so...7." I stated.
"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard." Penny stated.
"You think? Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom." Howard stated.
"No my prom was not good." I stated. Leo is leaving to get food.
"(voice from inside) Make sure they remember no peanuts." Howard yelled.
"Howard, every Thai restaurant in town knows you can't eat peanuts. They see me coming they go "ah, no peanut boy!"" Leo stated. Leonard exits down stairs. A moment later, Penny peeks out of her apartment, checks the coast is clear, and crosses the hall to the guys apartment. There was some knocks.
"(answering): Hello Penny. Leonard just left." Sheldon pointed out as I walked towards our bedroom. The apartment. Leonard is playing an X-Box game I'm lay upside down reading a comic.
"(entering) Hey!" Howard stated.
"Hey." Leo answered.
"How's it going?" Howard asked.
"Fine." Leo answered.
"So, listen, the New Art is showing the revised definitive cut of Blade Runner." Howard tried.
"Seen it." I stated.
"No, you've seen the 25th anniversary final cut. This one has eight seconds of previously unseen footage. They say it completely changes the tone of the film." Howard stated.
Leonard: Oh. Pass.
"Come on, afterwards there's a Q & A with Harrison Ford's body double." Howard stated.
"Still pass." I stated.
"Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here, there's this kid in Copenhagen, he has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7." Leo stated.
"And I have gotten to the very intense part where you think the main character is going to die." I stated.
"Can't you play him some other time and can't you finish it sometime else?" Howard asked.
"Not if you believe his doctors." Leo stated.
"No because I made a bet with comic book store guy about the fact I can't read this book." I answered.
"Oh my God, do you smell gas." Howard stated.
"No." I stated turning the page.
"Yeah, no." Howard stated.
"Here you go, Copenhagen boy, how about a taste of Hans Christian Hand Grenade. (Raj enters carrying party supplies. Howard waves him away while in the background Leonard is heard saying "oh, that did not feel good.") Come on, come on, oh you clever little.... Come on, come on, take that!" Leo shouted as I turned another page.
"(picks up a granola bar from the table, breaks off half and puts it in his back pocket.): Oh-oh. (Louder) Oh-oh!" Howard shouted.
"What's the matter?" Leo asked him as I look at him.
"This granola bar, there's peanuts in it." Howard answered.
"Oh my God, why did you eat it?" I've asked.
"I don't know, it was just there." Howard answered.
"Well if I had a gun there, would you have shot yourself?" Leo asked.
"Yes I would." I answered standing up.
"Don't yell at me, I've got to go to the emergency room." Howard yelled.
"Now?" I asked him.
"No, after my tongue has swollen to the size of a brisket." Howard answered.
"Alright, um, just, uh, let me get my keys." I stated.
"(walking in): Alright, let's go." I stated as we exit, with Howard making croaking noises. The hospital. Howard runs in and up to the counter.
"Excuse me." Howard stated.
"Fill this out, have a seat." The nurse stated.
"No, listen, see we're throwing my two twin friends a surprise party and I'm supposed to keep them out of their apartment for two hours." Howard stated.
"Uh-huh, fill this out and have a seat." The nurse continued.
"No, see, the only way I could get them to leave is to tell them I ate a peanut. Because I'm allergic to peanuts." Howard stated.
"Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat." The nurse stated.
"Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine and they you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half." Howard explained.
"Is that all you need?" The nurse asked.
"Yes." Howard answered.
"Get out of my ER." The nurse piped up.
"No, you don't understand." Howard tried.
"Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid." The nurse continued.
"Okay, I get it, I know how the world works, how about if I were to introduce you (holding up a five dollar bill) to the man who freed your people." Howard stated.
"Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers you are wasting your time." The nurse replied.
"(running in) Hey, sorry she couldn't find a parking spot, how are you doing." Leo stated as I walked in behind him.
"Bad, very bad." Howard answered.
"Really, 'cos you don't look like you're swelling up at all, maybe we should just pick up some benedryl at the drug store and go home." Leo piped up.
"We can't go home." Howard stated.
"Why not?" I asked looking at him.
"Becauth (pretends tongue has swollen up) Becauth-th-th. Brissket, Brissket! Water, need water.
"Alright, I'll be right back." Leo stated dragging me with him.
"Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts." I stated pointing to Howard.
"No he's not." The nurse stated.
"Yes he is." I stated.
"Look, sir we are very busy here and I just don't... (sees Leonard whose face has swollen all over) holy crap!" The nurse stated.
"Pees hep me!" Howard begged.
"Code 4, I need a gurney, right away, right away." The nurse shouted.
"Fank-u." Howard stated. Soon later we were walking up the stairs to our apartment.
"Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they're afraid of lawsuits they sure test everything." Leo pointed out.
"I really don't think the colonoscopy was necessary." Howard tried.
"It was Howard it was funny." I stated.
"You know, before you got all swollen up, I actually thought you were trying to keep us out of the apartment so you could throw us a surprise party." Leo pointed out.
"Oh, right, it's your birthday, I had no idea it was your birthday, I completely forgot, wow, what a lousy way to spend a birthday, well it's all over now." Howard lied.
"There is a party, isn't there." I stated.
"Maybe." Howard stated.
"Howard." Leo stated.
"Are you mad?" Howard asked.
"I couldn't care less." I answered.
"How could I be mad? You actually risked your life because you cared about us." Leo stated.
"Yeah, that's why I did it.
"Alright. Here we go. Our first birthday party." Leo stated. I open the door. Raj is drunkenly singing True Colors very badly into a microphone with his shirt off and a bandana round his head while waving a beer bottle. Penny and Sheldon are asleep on the couch and armchair respectively. I smiled and walked over to Sheldon and curled up to him.
"Dude! Everybody left an hour ago! Surprise!" Raj stated as I was falling asleep. We had a view of a mobile phone video screen. Raj has a woman sitting on his shoulders.
"Okay Leonard, here I am at your birthday party, I don't know where you are dude, but it's really kick-ass. Everyone is very very drunk, and uh... (girl pours booze into his mouth) Oh look, there's a girl taking her shirt off." Raj stated.
"That's my friend Carol. Remind me, I've got to introduce her to Howard." Penny stated.
"Oh sweet Krishna, shake it, that-a rupee maker." Raj stated.
"I'm sorry you missed it." Sheldon stated as we walked into our bedroom.
"It's okay. I had an eventful birthday anyway sat in the hospital watching Howard get tested." I stated taking my jacket off before putting it on my chair.
"Well okay let me make it up too you." Sheldon stated. You can imagine what happened next.