Nothing is how it seems

02.03

We are in the apartment. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset. As I was sat at my desk using my laptop with my headset on.
"Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel's fortress. Now this is a long run, so let's do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.) Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?" Sheldon asks as I go to stand next to him.
"Yes, I can't get my stupid door open." Penny answered.
"You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?" I asked her.
"Yeah!" Penny answers.
"Alright then." Sheldon stated. He turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.
"Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit." Penny cursed.
"Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?" Sheldon asked as I hit his arm. I went over to help her with her groceries.
"I can't get the damned key out." Penny stated.
"Well that's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a centre cylinder system." Sheldon tried.
"Thankyou, Sheldon." Penny stated.
"You're welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?" Sheldon questioned.
"Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?" Penny asked.
"Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure...." Sheldon trailed on.
"I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it." Penny explained.
"Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein." Sheldon explained.
"Babe I don't think she wanted to know that." I stated looking at him.
"(picking up the bag Alex has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries fall to the floor again) Oh, sonofabitch!" Penny stated.
"I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you." Sheldon tried.
"Sheldon you're not helping." I stated.
"I did, and he said he'll get here when he gets here." Penny stated.
"And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?" Sheldon asked.
"Okay Sheldon you are really not helping go into the apartment and I'll sort this out." I stated pushing him into the apartment.
"No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly." Penny stated as she bursts into tears. I walked towards her and hugged her.
"I know Sheldon's useless. Do you want to wait with us in our apartment?" I asked her.
"Yes thanks Alex. (Laughs) He really is isn't he." Penny answered. Sheldon met us at the door. He gave me a quick kiss.
"Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon's place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online." Sheldon said.
"Sheldor?" Penny asked.
"The Conqueror." I answered for Sheldon.
"What are you doing?" Penny asked.
"AFK. I'm playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian." Sheldon answered. 
"Oh." Penny stated.
"Sheldor, back online." Sheldon said.
"What's AFK?" Penny asked me.
"AFK. Away from keyboard." I answered.
"OIC." Penny said.
"What does that stand for?" Sheldon asked.
"Oh, I see?" Penny questioned.
"Yes, but what does it stand for?" Sheldon asked again. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her. I was watching from my office chair.
"Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on." Sheldon said.
"Oh, I don't know. Can I see them in another colour?" Penny asked.
"Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior." Sheldon answered.
"What's going on?" Leo asked.
"Leonard, guess what, I'm a level three warrior." Penny answered.
"Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?" Leo asked.
"Yeah yeah yeah, shhh!" Penny answered.
"I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it's starting to attract wildlife." Leo pointed out.
"Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?" Penny questioned.
"It doesn't matter, right now you're looking for treasure." I answered looking over her shoulder.
"Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon and Alex to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?" Penny asks.
"You're okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots." I stated.
"Want to catch me up?" Leo asked us.
"Well let's see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn't had sex in six months, and she ate a fly." I explained.
"Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?" Leo asked.
"Oh my God, a treasure chest, I'm rich!" Penny yelled.
"Level three and she thinks she's rich! What a noob." I stated making Sheldon laugh. Raj is pouring a white liquid into the main dish of a stereo speaker covered in cling film.
"Okay, we're all set." Raj pointed out.
"Let her rip." Howard stated making me laugh. Leonard turns on stereo with a remote. Rhythmic bass-heavy music plays. The liquid begins dancing on the speaker.
"(entering, carrying a laptop) Hi!" Penny stated.
"Hey, check it out, it's just corn starch and water." Leo pointed out.
"They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker." Sheldon said.
"That's what makes it get all funky.
"Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Alex.
"(after Raj whispers in his ear): No, that's what she said, Alex." Howard stated.
"Okay, look, I bought the game, and I've been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can't figure out how to get past the guard captain." Penny explained.
"Do you have the enchanted sword?" I asked her.
"No, no, I've a bronze dagger." Penny answered.
"You can't slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it's like the car key in your apartment door all over again." I stated sighing.
"Alright, alright, how do I get the sword?" Penny asked me.
"Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?" I asked her.
"Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?" Penny asked.
"No, no, no, it's... oh for God's sakes, gimme." I stated taking the laptop.
"Thank you, I really appreciate this." Penny stated.
"You're going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny." I continued.
"Don't patronise me, just get the sword." Penny stated.
Sheldon: There you go, one enchanted sword." I said to her.
"Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain." Penny said before she leaves.
"That girl needs to get a life." I stated. Maddie and Sheldon's bedroom. There is a knock on the door Penny enters.
"(whispering) Alex. (Sing-song) Al-ex." Penny stated as Alex is still asleep.
"Danger, danger." Sheldon stated waking me up.
"What the hell is happening?" I asked.
"Penny is in our room." Sheldon answered.
"No danger, look, it's just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?" Penny asked us.
"You're in our bedroom." Sheldon stated.
"Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key." Penny pointed out.
"People can't be in our bedroom." Sheldon tried.
"Okay, well can we go talk in the living room?" Penny asked.
"He's not wearing pyjama bottoms." I pointed out.
"Why not?" Penny asked.
"I spilled grape juice." Sheldon answered.
"Well, wear different pyjamas." Penny pointed out.
"I told him that." I stated sitting up slightly.
"I can't wear different pyjamas, these are my Monday pyjamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.
"Okay, just tell me Alex, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?" Penny asked.
"You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?" I asked her.
"Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I'm just not sure it's the right move for my character." Penny answered.
"Of course it's not, you're only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder." I stated.
"Really? Boy, you'd think you could trust a horde of Hungarian barbarians." Penny stated.
"Please Penny, enough, I have to sleep." I tried.
"Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don't got in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms." Penny stated.
"(knocking on door) Alex, you want to catch me up again?" Leo asked.
"No I'm going back to sleep." I answered lying down. I was sat at my desk as Penny calls me.
"Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you're not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can't log on and help you. We'll talk when I get home. " I stated putting the phone down making Sheldon look at me. I walked into the apartment Leo was sat on the couch and Sheldon followed me into the apartment.
"Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too." I stated falling onto the chair.
"Why should I do something, you're the one who introduced her to online gaming." Leo pointed out.
"Well, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening." I responded.
"Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone." Leo tried.
"I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don't know what else to do." Sheldon said.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Leo asked.
"I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with." I tried.
"You mean, up until now we've been experiencing the happy funtime Alex?" Leo asked.
"Yes." I answered.
"I'll go talk to her." Leo said. We were in the cafeteria at work.
"Hey guys." Raj stated.
"Hey." Howard and Leo said as I was falling asleep.
"(indicating Sheldon and Alex) Hey, what's with them?" Raj asked.
"Penny's been keeping them up at night." Leo answered for us.
"Me too. But probably in a different way." Howard tried.
"She's gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she's playing non-stop." Leo answered.
"Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There's nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back." Raj stated.
"Sheldon, Alex, wake up." Leo shouted making me almost fall of my chair. Thankfully Raj caught me.
"Danger, danger." Sheldon stated as I sat up.
"(arriving) Afternoon men. Sheldon and Sheldon's girlfriend." Leslie stated.
"Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding us from the set of adult
males.... oh, I'm too tired to do this." I tried.
"Right, I heard you've been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie." Leslie stated.
"She comes into our room. No-one's supposed to be in our room." Sheldon pointed out.
"Well, I would postulate that she's escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration." Leslie pointed out.
"I do that too. But probably in a different way." Howard piped up.
"That's not what she's doing, Leslie, she's just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has nothing to do with sex." Leo tried.
"Everything has to do with sex." Leslie tried.
"Mmmm, testify." Howard said trying to get a highfive.
"I'm not touching that." Leslie stated.
"Leslie, you are way off base here." Leo tried again.
"Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness." I stated.
"Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some." Leslie agreeded.
"Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse." I finished.
"I'll take the bullet." Howard piped up I kicked him under the table to shut him up.
"Excuse me, this whole idea is insane." Leo stated.
"Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I'm going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?" Sheldon asked.
"No." The poor man answered.
"Would you like to be?" Sheldon asked.
"Uh, sure, why not?" The man answered making Alex laugh.
"Sheldon..." I tried.
"Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?" Sheldon asked the man.
"Uh... (checks out Sheldon's package) Yeah, yeah." The man said as he pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon's hand.
"There, problem solved." Sheldon answered.
"Dumbass." Leslie pointed out making me laugh. We were in Penny's apartment. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa as Alex was curled up next to him.
"Okay, I'm at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I'm going in." Penny stated.
"Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies." I pointed out.
"Got it." Penny pointed out.
"I must say, you're playing very well for a woman of 23?" I asked her.
"22." She answered.
"Right. 22." I stated as me and Sheldon filled out a dating profile.
"Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?" Penny asked.
"What happened to the rest of your group?" I questioned her.
"I dumped them, they're a bunch of wussies." She answered.
"Frenzy stance." I pointed out.
"Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!" Penny yelled.
"So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?" I asked her.
"What?" She asked looking at me.
"These are market research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game." I answered looking at her.
"Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn't working, die you undead mummy, die!" Penny yelled.
"Drink a healing potion." I stated.
"Thank you." Penny pointed out.
"You're welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?" Sheldon asked her.
"That's on the registration?" Penny asked.
"Oh yes, it's quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests." Sheldon lied to Penny.
"Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I'm a big old five." Penny answered.
"Good to know. Big old five." I stated putting it into the computer. We were in the apartment and Leo walked in to see a stranger on the couch.
"Hello." Leo stated.
"Hi." The man said.
"Leonard, this is Tom." Sheldon pointed out.
"Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn't I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?" Leo asked.
"Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny." Sheldon answered.
"Chosen by science?" Leo asked.
"Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum." Sheldon asked as I went to get a drink.
"You got Penny to sign up for online dating?" Leo asked.
"No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit." I answered.
"This is bad." Leo pointed out.
"Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he's going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex." I explained.
"Really, really bad." Leo continued.
"I'm surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she's a big old five." I explained.
"(entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed) Sheldon Alex, what do you want." Penny asked.
"Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I'd like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny." Sheldon said.
"Hi Penny." Tom piped up.
"Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I'm here, I'm on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don't know what they're doing, we've got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank." Penny explained.
"Can we talk about this later." I stated.
"No, no, no, no, I need you now." Penny pointed out.
"But wouldn't you prefer to socialise with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman." Sheldon said.
"Whatever, I'll figure it out myself." Penny piped up.
"Who are you and what have you done with Penny?" I asked.
"Bye, Penny. I'm sorry, dude, she didn't look anything like her picture." Tom piped up. I just looked at him.
"They never do." I stated walking away.