Nothing is how it seems

Season 2 Episode 1

We were sat inside waiting for Leo to turn up.
"He's coming. Screen saver." I shouted quickly.
"Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?" Howard asked as I jump to the couch grabbing my book.
"Bite me. Sheldon Alex, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?" Leo asked.
"I joined in that's why it was fun." I answered looking at him. Sheldon hit my leg.
"They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing." Sheldon answered.
"You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your relationship with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box." Howard tried.
"What are you talking about, the date went fine." Leo pointed out.
"Dude, she said she wants to slow things down." I stated.
"Okay, so, she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying 'I'm really enjoying this meal, I'm going to slow down and savour it.'" Leo tried.
"No, it's like 'this fish tastes bad, so I'm going to slow down and spit it out.'" Howard tried.
"You being the fish." Raj states.
"I agree with Raj." I stated.
"I'm not the fish.
"You so are." I pointed out.
"Oh really, did you make a second date." Howard stated
"Well, we sort of decided to wing it." Leo stated.
"Oh, even I know that's lame." Sheldon piped up.
"Okay, alright, let's assume your hypothesis. We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed, where could I have possibly gone wrong." Leo carried on.
"Think back, Leonard, the littlest things can set women off. Like, hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us. Or, how much does your mom weigh, I want to know what I'm getting into." I stated.
"I didn't say anything like that." Leo denied.
Howard: Good, 'cos they don't work.
"They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing." Raj explained.
"Look, everything went fine. I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me." Leo tired.
"Let's go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest." I stated.
"Nice close up, by the way." Raj stats making me laugh.
"Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans." Sheldon went on.
"That's not a bad sign." Leo lied.
"Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement." Sheldon states.
"And the worst sign of all is, you're here and not there." Raj went on.
"I'm not there because I'm taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys approaches warp speed. And take down that camera." Leo reply's.
"He was a lot more fun when he had no hope." Raj piped up.
"Give him time." I state. The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts. I'm sorting out my jeans.
"(entering) Hi." Penny pipes up.
"Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I'd avoid using that for your delicates." Sheldon states.
"(tipping all her laundry into one machine at once) Thanks." Penny stated.
"Oh, good Lord. Why don't you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock?" I asked her.
"Sheldon Alex, may I ask you a question?" Penny asked.
"I would prefer that you not, but I won't go so far as to forbid it." Sheldon answered.
"Go ahead. Ignore him. I often do." I state.
"Hey. That's rude." Sheldon piped up.
"Oh well you love me really." I stated putting my clothes into a basket.
"Alright, I heard yes, so... okay, here's my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl." She states.
"Well I assume you're not referring to digestive regularity? Because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate." Sheldon stated.
"No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?" Penny asked.
"Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature." I answered.
"How is that not a braniac?" Penny asked.
"Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature." Sheldon answered.
"So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he'll eventually get bored with me." Penny admits.
"That depends." I state.
"On what?" Penny asked.
"Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?" Sheldon asked.
"No." She reply's.
"Do you speak Klingon?" Sheldon questions.
"No." Penny answers.
"Do you know any card tricks?" I ask.
"Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college." Penny answers.
"Why would you lie about that?" I asked her.
"Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn't want him to think I was some stupid loser." Penny answers.
"You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?" Sheldon asks.
"You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates." Penny replies.
"Yeah, but you were neither." Sheldon stats.
"Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this." Penny pipes up.
"You're asking me to keep a secret?" Sheldon asks.
"Okay. I will keep this from Leo." I state.
"Yeah. And thank you Alex." Penny reply's.
"Well I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis." Sheldon pips up.
"What?" Penny questions.
"Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It's a joke. It relies on the hominymic relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself." Sheldon lists.
"Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment." Penny stated.
"Physiologically impossible." Sheldon pointed out.
"Oh Sheldon, please, look, I'm asking you as a friend." Penny begged.
"So you're saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?" Sheldon asked.
"Well, yeah." Penny replies.
"Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends?" Sheldon asks.
"I've always been friends with Penny." I answered. The stairwell me Sheldon and Leo are walking up.
"I.e, I couldn't become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman." Sheldon explained.
"You could be Batman?" Leo asked.
"Sure. (In a gravelly voice) I'm Batman. See." Sheldon tries making me laugh.
"(arriving) Hi guys." Penny pipes up.
"Hey." Leo stated.
"Hi Pen." I stated.
"(looking the other way uncomfortably) Hi Penny." Sheldon tries.
"Hey, Penny, if you're not doing anything Friday night I thought maybe we could go and see a movie." Leo tried.
"Oh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday." Penny answers.
"What about Saturday?" Leo asks again.
"You know, I'm not sure, the manager hasn't posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know." Penny tries.
"Great. So you just let me know when you know. So... (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong?" Leo asks us.
"Honestly Leo you should just give up." I stated sitting down.
"Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things." Sheldon answers before he choses to run away. Which makes me sigh before getting up.
"Thanks for your honesty Alex. (chasing him) What does that mean?" Leo asks.
"It's what sisters are here for to much honesty." I stated. 
"Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists." Sheldon explains.
"No I didn't." Leo denied. 
"Yes you did Leo." I piped up.
"I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir." Sheldon stated.
"What's going on with you two?" Leo asked.
"Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak." Sheldon stated as his eye begins to twitch I hit his side slightly.
"What's wrong with your face?" Leo asked.
"There's no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard." Sheldon answered.
"What?" Leo asked.
"I said Good Day!" Sheldon stated as he leaves.
"Good day?" Leo asked me.
"I will go and see what is wrong with him." I stated. The Cheesecake Factory I am somewhat behind Sheldon.
"Also today we have a fresh caught Alaska salmon, and that's served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice. Our soup of the day..." Penny stated.
"(appearing behind her) You must release me from my oath." Sheldon stated.
"Bloody hell slow down." I stated running up behind him.
"Sheldon, I'm working. Alex sort your boyfriend out." Penny stated.
"Believe me I'm trying." I stated.
Sheldon: Why don't you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can't keep your secret Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit." Sheldon explained.
"Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?" Penny asked.
"I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me." Sheldon answered.
"Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?" Penny asked.
"Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven't forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday." Sheldon started.
"Not this story again. I've heard this a thousand times." I begged.
"Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you're just going to have to figure out a way to do it." Penny stated. The apartment Sheldon bursts through the door I was following behind.
"(entering) Leonard, I'm moving out." Sheldon stated as he burst through the door.
"I did not agree with this." I stated.
"What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?" Leo asked.
"There doesn't have to be a reason." Sheldon answers.
"Way to make it look less weird." I mumbled.
"Yeah, there kind of does." Leo tried on.
"Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen's trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it's ultimately circular, i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out." Sheldon explained.
"I'm still confused." Leo piped up.
"Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
"(entering) Hey, qu'est q'wass up?" Howard asked.
"We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers." Raj answered.
"And some of those skinless chicks were hot." Howard stated.
"You two are so weird." I stated plopping down on couch.
"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack." Sheldon stated.
"That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia." Howard stated.
"It's not you, Howard, he says he's moving out." Leo answered.
"What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?" Raj asked making me laugh.
"No." Leo answered.
"Did you take a band aid off in front of him?" Raj asked.
"No." Leo replied.
"Did you buy generic ketchup, forget to rinse the sink, talk to him through the bathroom door?" Howard questioned.
"Adjust the thermostat, cook with cilantro, pronounce the T in often?" Raj asked.
"No." Leo replied.
"Did you make fun of trains?" I asked joining in even though I knew why.
"I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane. And dragging Alex with him." Leo stated.
"Hey no he isn't." I stated.
"Well, we all knew this day was coming." Raj pointed out.
"That was fast." Leo stated.
"It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor." Sheldon explained.
"Where are you gonna live?" Leo asked.
"Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends." Sheldon answered.
"I'm moving in with ma for now." I stated looking at Leo not looking at anyone else.
"You're going to move in with mom what about here?" Leo asked.
"There's a reason I'm living with ma for a bit and because of girl code I'm taking it to the grave. So goodbye for Leo for now." I stated.
"I know how stubborn you are and I know I will never be able to talk you out of all of this." Leo stated giving me a hug.
"And I'll be back soon." I stated hugging back.
"We'll always be Howard and Lex?" Howard asked.
"Hey we decided Lex and Howard." I answered.
"Did we?" Howard asked.
"You were drunk." I stated. "But yes."
"You're really leaving because of girl code?" Leo asked.
"Yes it's like bro code. I promised and I'll take it to the grave." I stated. I got a call the next day saying Sheldon told.
"I was gone not 24 hours and I'm back." I stated walking out my room. Howard and Raj shushed me before pointing to a screen.
"(opening door) Hi." Penny stated.
"Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer." Leo started.
"What are you talking about." Penny asked him.
"First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave." Leo stated making me look up at Howard.
"You drugged him without me knowing?" I asked him.
"I thought I could do it." Howard answered.
"I don't care that you drugged him. You just didn't invite me." I stated.
"He told you?" Penny asked.
"Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution." He answered as he hands her a brochure.
"Pasadena city college?" Penny asked. Leo said something but I didn't her him.
"Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree." Penny mocked.
"Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college." Leo tried.
"Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?" Penny asked.
"That doesn't matter to me at all." Leo answered.
"So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart." Penny stated.
"Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me!" Leo stated looking at us making me fall of the chair in panic.