Nothing is how it seems

Season 1 Episode 15

A corridor at the University.
"On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the super collider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the Earth ending life as we know it." Law stated as we walks down the corridor.
"Psh, what a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory man." Raj stated.
"(looking at an orange notice on the noticeboard) Hey, check it out, the school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers." Leo pointed out. I looked over his shoulder.
"We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here?" Raj asked.
"I don't know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn't have a bulletin board. (Sees crowds in the corridor) What's going on?" Leo asked Howard.
"Shhh! Hot girl in Sheldon's office." Howard stated not noticing me behind me. Leo looked at me.
"Let's see who she is." I stated looking in the door. I recognised her as Sheldon's sister. I just kept quote to mess with the boys.
"Sheldon's office? Is she lost?" Leo asked.
"Don't think so. I followed her here from the parking lot." Howard answered. I just looked at him confused.
"Maybe she's his lawyer." Leo tried.
"Well she's free to examine my briefs." Howard stated.
"Howard..." I stated slapping his arm.
"I know, I'm disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again." Howard stated. I pulled a face at him before walking into our office.
"Alex." Missed stated hugging me.
"It's good to see you again Missy." I stated.
"Hey I'm here too." Sheldon stated. I just laughed before kissing his cheek.
"Well, that should do it." Missy stated.
"Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello." Shelling stated to boys they begged me not to tell him.
"Oh, hey buddy." Leo stated as Sheldon put his arm around me.
"Buddy." Sheldon stated confused.
"Sorry I'm late, I'm working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle." Howard lied.
"How can you be late, I wasn't expecting you at all." Sheldon stated.
"Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and... BAM! (shakes girl's hand) Howard Wolowitz." Howard stated I just looked at him.
"Sheldon, are you going to introduce us?" Leo asked.
"Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you've already met Howard." Sheldon stated
"It's nice to meet you." Missed stated.
"You too, swell, also." Leo stated.
"Yeah." Howard piped up.
"So, how do you two know each other?" Leo asked.
"Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head." Missy answered.
"Excuse me?" Leo asked looking between the two before looking at me.
"She's my twin sister, she thinks she's funny but frankly I've never been able to see it." Sheldon stated.
"It's because you have no measurable sense of humour, Shelly." Missy stated.
"How exactly would one measure a sense of humour? A humourmometer?" Sheldon asked.
"Well, I think you're delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole." Howard answered.
"Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and... I'm sorry what was your name again." Missy stated. Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.
"Rajesh." I stated.
"So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas?" Leo asked.
"Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny." Howard stated I slapped him.
"My friend's getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night." Missy answered.
"Destiny, thy name is Anaheim." Howard tried.
"And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad's estate." Missy tried.
"The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn't she." Sheldon stated,
"I guess that's why they call you a genius." Missy stated making me laugh.
"They call me a genius because I'm a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I'm having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye." Sheldon stated.
"Woah, woah." The boys stated I just looked at them,
"If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight?" Leo asked.
"Oh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day." Missy answered making me laugh.
"Course you did Sheldon." I stated.
"They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues." Sheldon piped up.
"Look, you're here, we have plenty of room." Leo tried.
"No we don't." Sheldon stated.
"Leo we don't." I piped up.
"Come on, Shelly, she's family." Howard tried.
"So what? I don't issue invitations to your mother." Sheldon went on.
"Because you know I don't want mother at the house." I went on.
"Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour." Missy pointed out.
"And don't ever call me Shelly." Sheldon stated.
"So it's settled. You'll stay with us." Leo continued.
"I'll walk you to your car. You're in structure 3 level C, right?" Howard asked.
"What just happened?" Sheldon asked.
"That's a good question." I stated. The apartment.
"So anyway, we're eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace." Missy explained.
"Hee-hee, just classic." Leo stated.
"I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits." Sheldon stated.
"He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room." Missy explained.
"Sounds like Sheldon." I stated sitting down. He just looked at me.
"Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room." Sheldon tried.
"Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there's a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone." Missy went on.
"Ha-ha, not your eyebrows?" Howard asked. I just looked at him.
"Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on." Missy answered.
"Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical." Sheldon piped up.
"Be nice to your sister Sheldon." I stated.
"You're not nice to Leonard." Sheldon stated.
"Because I live with him and that's annoying enough." I pointed out.
"I could never live with Shelly again." Missy stated.
"I've just about survived." I went on.
"(knocking and entering, holding up a pair of superman undershorts.): Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs." Penny stated.
"Those are not mine." Leo denied I started laughing.
"Really, they have your little name label in them." Penny pointed out.
"Yeah, no, I do, I use those... uh... just to polish up my... spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I'm not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbour Penny." Howard explained.
"Hi." Missy stated.
"Wow, you don't look that much alike." Penny stated.
Howard: Can I get a hallelujah.! Howard asked.
"No you can't." I stated. 
"Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings." Sheldon explained.
"Hallelujah." Howard stated I just hit him.
"(running in) Hey, guess what. I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness." Raj stated.
"Well done." I stated high fiving him.
"Hey, good for you, Raj." Penny stated as I walked to the kitchen.
"Hey." Missy stated.
"Want a drink?" I asked her she nodded.
"Please but what's going on with the boys?" Missy asked.
"Well Raj he is shy really can talk to girls took him a bit to warm up to me but he did he's like that awkward brother I have. Howard is a massive flirt flirts with every girl tried to get with me when he first met me but as Leonard's sister he wouldn't do that now he's like a brother. Leo is a shy bitch well not as shy as Raj but not confident like Howard." I answered.
"Yes, I'm very hopeful. Hello Missy. (He waves his hand. It keeps waving.) They mentioned there may be side effects." Raj explained.
"Be careful then Raj." I stated sitting down.
"So, Missy. Have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India?" Raj asked.
"Well, there's Dr Patel at our church." Missy answered.
"Ah yes, Dr Patel, good man." Raj stated.
"Do you like motorcycles, 'cos I ride a hog." Howard stated as Sheldon took my hand.
"A hog? You have a two cylinder scooter with a basket on the front." Raj stated.
"You still have to wear a helmet." Howard pointing out.
"Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?" Raj asked.
"Isn't that a sex book?" I asked.
"The sex book?" Missy asked.
"The Indian sex book. In other words if you wonder wonder who wrote the book of love, it was us." Raj answered.
"(to Leonard) Hey, Sheldon's sister's pretty cute, I w...." Penny tried.
"I wasn't staring!" Leo denied lying.
"I didn't say you were, I just said she was cute." Penny pointed out.
"Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall... and perfect." Leo stated.
"Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?" Penny asked.
"I'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you." Sheldon answered.
"Hey I didn't do anything." I stated.
"I'm not ignoring you." He stated.
"I brought snacks." Leo stated.
"Oh my! Gherkins and...." Missy stated.
"Onion dip, it's onion dip." Leo butted in.
"Oh." Missy stated.
"We don't entertain much." Leo stated.
"Because we are nerds." I stated.
"Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?" Raj asked.
"I guess." Missy answered I stifled a laugh.
"We Indians invented them. You're welcome." Raj continued.
"Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You're welcome!" Howard syayed.
"Missy, I'm going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come?" Penny asked.
"God yes. Thanks." Missy answered.
"You're welcome. Alex want to come?" Penny asked.
"No thanks I'm fine." I answered.
"Bye guys." Missy stated.
"Bye Missy." Howard stated.
"Bye you two." I stated.
"Bye Missy, see you." Leo piped up.
"Goodbye Leonard!" Penny yelled slightly.
"Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny." Leo stated.
"Okay, you two have to back off." Howard tried.
"Why should I back off, you back off dude." Raj stated. I looked at them confused.
"Excuse me, this is my apartment and she's my roommate's sister." Leo stated.
"So what, you've already got Penny." Howard pointed out.
"How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?" Leo asked.
"You three should back off. She isn't into nerds." I stated standing up.
"So I can have Penny?" Howard asked.
"Hell, no!" Leo answered.
"Why would you two want this?" I asked.
"Excuse me, can I interject something. I'm ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni?" Sheldon asked us I nodded.
"Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?" Leo asked.
"I guess. Don't worry, I was going to order you cheeseless." Sheldon answered.
"Thank you." Leo stated.
"That's okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about." I stated.
"I'm a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas!" Howard mocked.
"Hey, look at me, I don't have a foreskin." Raj said. I stood up and walked to mine and Sheldon's room.
"Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?" Leo asked.
"Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It's noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence." Sheldon answered.
"Leo you are bloody mental." I stated sitting on the bed.
"That's fascinating, but I..." Leo tried speaking.
"I didn't say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy." Sheldon stated.
"Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz... they're hitting on your sister." Leo tried. He was covering up the fact that he was as well.
"Oh. Okay. You know, I don't want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we'd be a lot further along in this conversation if you'd begun with that thought." Sheldon stated.
"That's great, but I...." Leo tried.
"What I'm saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis." Sheldon butted in.
"Whatever. You have to do something about it." Leo stated.
"Why?" Sheldon asked I looked at Leo.
"Because she's your sister." Leo stated.
"I don't understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we've pretty much gone our own separate ways." Sheldon pointed out.
"That is like me and you Leo." I stated.
"Okay, uh.... oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate." Leo stated.
"I hadn't considered that. We do share DNA." Sheldon went on.
"Uh-huh." Leo stated.
"So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself." Sheldon explained.
"Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister's future offspring." Leo went on.
"You're right. If someone wants to get at Missy's fallopian tubes, they'll have to go through me." Sheldon stated. I walked into the living room to see Raj and Howard fighting.
"I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman!" Raj stated.
"I'm warning you, I was judo champion at math camp." Howard tried.
"Alright, that's enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I'm going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister." Sheldon said.
"Who are you to decide that?" Howard asked to him.
"He's the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes." Leo tried.
"You're out too, by the way." Sheldon stated.
"Say what?" Leo asked.
"It's nothing personal, I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie." Sheldon stated.
"(to Raj, who is smiling) What are you so happy about?" Howard asked.
"I'm not happy, it's the medication, I can't stop smiling." Raj stated as he waves hand at mouth and it keeps waving.
"Now that Leonard's made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister." Sheldon stated.
"Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?" Howard asked.
"We all make mistakes, let's move on." Leo answered. 
"Excuse me, but I think you're missing a big opportunity here." Raj stated.
"How so?" I asked him.
"Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte." Raj answered.
"In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex." Sheldon explained.
"(waving finger at him) I think you're focussing entirely too much on the drugs." Raj stated  his finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)
"Is it 'cause I'm Jewish, 'cause I'd kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister." Howard stated.
"This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you're a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother." I stated.
"Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable." Leo stated.
"Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister." Sheldon stated.
"(who has just entered) Oh really?" Missy asked.
"Oops." Sheldon stated.
"You are screwed." I stated grabbing a drink.
"Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone? You too Alex." Missy stated.
"Hey I'm innocent." I stated.
"Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with us." Sheldon stated.
"(to Penny who is standing next to him grinning) We all make mistakes, let's move on." Leo stated. Sheldon and Alex's bedroom.
"Okay. I'm not even going to ask why you're pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?" Missy asked.
"It was him not me." I stated.
"Truthfully, I've never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential." Sheldon tried to explain.
"What on earth are you talking about?" Missy asked.
"Let me explain. You see, I'm a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock." Sheldon stated.
"And what do you mean, mediocre stock?" Missy asked.
"That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon and Alex 2.0 if you will." Sheldon stated.
"Sheldon and Alex 2.0?" Missy asked.
"Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you're not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced." I stated.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Missy stated. 
Sheldon: Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation." Sheldon went on.
"Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I've lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God's special little people." Missy stated.
"I swear my mother hated me." I stated.
"I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that's where the metaphor ended." Sheldon explained.
"I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Remember?" Missy asked. Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.
"Do it Missy." I said laughing.
"I have an alternate proposal. And Alex you're supposed to be my side." Sheldon stated.
"Go on. And girls stick together." Missy pointed out.
"You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins." Sheldon stated. The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area. I'm behind him laughing.
"Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants." Sheldon stated. It was later.
"Look, we have to settle this." Howard piped up.
"How you are all dumb when it comes to girls." I piped up from my computer.
"I agree. Sheldon's sister is hiding at Penny's because we've all been hitting on her at the same time. Alex please be my side for once." Leo begged.
"She's not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who's apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair." Raj stated.
"Oh, you poor, deluded bastard." Howard went on.

"Don't start with me dude." Raj tried I turned around to watch them.
"You want to go again? Let's go." Howard said standing up.
"Sit down boys." I stated.

"Okay." Howard said sitting down.

"If we're going to fight over Missy, let's do it the right way. The honourable way." Leo went on. Sheldon enters to hear sounds of fighting. It becomes apparent that the guys are playing a boxing game on a Nintendo Wii as Alex is watching them.
"And he's down!" Leo pointed out.
"For a change." I stated looking at the boys.
"Come on, come on, get up." Howard tried.
"Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work." Leo cheered.
"I weep for humanity." Sheldon stated.
"Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news." Leo stated as he leaves. The stairwell. Missy Alex and Sheldon are descending.
"Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?" Sheldon asked.
"Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory." Sheldon stated.
"Yeah, I'll just tell her you said hey." Missy pointed out.
"Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles." Sheldon said as he holds out hand to shake making me laugh.
"Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I'm very proud of you." Missy tried.
"Really?" Sheldon asked I just stood there.
"Yup, I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist." Missy stated.
"You tell people I'm a rocket scientist?" Sheldon asked.
"Well yeah." Missy answered.
"I'm a theoretical physicist." Sheldon went on.
"What's the difference?" Missy asked.
"What's the difference?" I asked.
"Goodbye Shelly Alex." Missy said before leaving.
"My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating." Sheldon stated.