What if

Chapter 29

It was now almost one year ago that Meredith died, Derek cried himself to sleep every night, he often buyed her cologne just to smell her scent. Zola uses a lot of Lavender projects to smell like her mom. They still couldn’t believe that Meredith actually died. Today was the first day Derek would return to work and he knew that this day would be very hard. He drove Zola to school, before he drove to work. He reached the hospital and tried his best not to cry. This hospital was the last place Meredith saw, this was the last place where he saw his wife alive. He stood in front of the entrance and just stared at the building. Amelia came up behind him and laid her hand gently down on his shoulder. “I can’t Amy. I can’t go into the building. This- this was the last place I saw her alive. I can’t go inside. I just- I can’t.” Derek whispered as his eyes began to water. “I know it hurts Derek, but if you are not doing this now, it will only get harder.” Amelia answered him in a calm voice as she rubbed his back. “Can you come with me?” He asked vulnerable and Amelia nodded. “Where is Noah?” Derek asked, trying to concentrate on other things. “Link is bringing him in later.” They entered the attending lounge and got changed. Derek reached into his lab coat and pulled out a scrub cap he thought he lost. It was the scrub cap he wanted to give Meredith. He just stared at it as tears made its way down his cheeks. “Derek, what’s this?” Amelia asked gently as she carefully placed her hand down on his shoulder once again. “Nothing. Doesn’t matter.” Derek whispered as he stuffed the cap back into his coat, that’s when he decided to wear it for every surgery. 

“Derek!” Someone yelled, Derek turned around and saw Owen approaching him with Teddy who Bailey hired in the year Derek stayed at home. “Good Morning.” Derk said to both of them. “Do you wanna do surgerys today or just consults?” Owen asked gently. “One surgery for the start.” Derek whispered and Owen nodded genly. “It’s good to have you back Shepherd.” He said before he walked away, leaving Derek with Teddy. “I heard about Meredith, I’m so sorry.” Teddy whispered. “Me too.” Derek replied, he felt how his eyes began to water, he quickly excused himself and went into a supply closet.

Once he was there he began to push carts over and throw supplies across the room, he was so angry but also heart broken. After he calmed down a bit he composed himself at a wall and began to cry, he slid on the ground and buried his face into his hands as he brought his knees to his chest. Derek closed his eyes and for a minute he thought he smelled a familiar scent. Someone placed a hand on his knee, Derek opened his eyes and was met with emerald green eyes. "Mer?" Derek whispered with a trembling voice. Meredith smiled at him widely but stayed quiet. She caresses Derek cheek with her thumb, he leaned into her touch, he knew that this Situation wasn't real but he right now he didn’t care. "I love you." Derek whispered, Meredith leaned close to his ear. "I love you too." She whispered and kissed his cheek before disappearing again. 

…

After a few hours Derek had his first surgery in almost a year. He stepped into the scrub room and looked into the OR. It was the OR where he and Meredith had their first surgery together, on her first day. He felt how tears began to build up in his eyes once again, so he quickly blinked them away. He grabbed the scrub cap, closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He tied the scrub cap around his head and stepped into the OR after he scrubbed in. He looked up, as he would look into the sky and whispered. "It's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's have some fun." The surgery was going perfectly so Derek decided to glance up into the galerie where he spotted his daughter. "Nurse, could you turn on the intercom please?" Derek asked and the intercom was turned on. "Hey Zozo, school out early?" Derek asked gently. "My sports teacher is sick so I have a free hour. I decided to watch you operate while my classmates doing something stupid once again." Zola giggled. Derek smiled under his mask, his daughter was something else. "You are doing a craniotomy right Dad?" Zola asked. "You could begin as an Intern Zola. Your knowledge is way better than from some Interns here." Derek said while glancing at the interns in the OR. Zola laughed. "Thanks to moms and Grandma's Video tapes." Zola paused. "and to you." She added after a few seconds. Derek knew that Zola was close to crying. "Hey love bug, do you wanna come down to the scrub room? I'm almost finished here." Derek asked carefully and Zola nodded. Derek finished the surgery soon after and stepped into the scrub room where Zola was with tears in her chocolate brown eyes. He quickly removed his gloves, gown and mask and throwed it into the trash. He then pulled Zola into his arms and hugged her tightly. "It's okay to cry honey." Derek whispered. "Mom is so so proud of you." "I miss her." Zola sobbed. "She's always with us, every step we take, every fight we fight. She's always with us to cheer us on, sometimes.." He began as he thought back of his situation in the supply closet. "Sometimes mom is so close that we think she's still alive, that we can see, feel or even hear her. She's always with us and will never leave you on your own. That's something I can promise you." Derek explained while rubbing Zola's back. He didn't care that a few nurses and interns were looking at them. "Thanks Dad." Zola muttered. "Is there something else you wanna tell me?" Derek asked gently as he saw the distance in his daughter's eyes. "No, everything is just fine Dad." Zola replied. "Really fine or mom fine?" Derek questioned. "Something between that." "I love you Zola." "I love you too Dad." Zola mumbled into her Dad's chest. "Can we go eat something?" Zola asked and Derek laughed. "Of course." He replied, together they went to the cafeteria.