What if

Chapter 2

I'm so sorry you are going to hate me... 💔

Derek POV

I woke up, because I heard crying. I went over to Zolas bed and picked her up. "Hey sweetie. Everything is gonna be okay. Shh, shh you're okay." I whispered. I bounced her on my hip. A nurse came into the room. "Could you bring me food for Zola please and are there any news about my wife?" I asked. Meredith's surgery was three hours ago. I can't bring myself to visit her. It's all my fault, if I had answered the phone, I would've drove home with her and then she would be at home with me and Zola. I was just so angry at her for ruining my trial. I know why she did it. She wanted to make Richard's life better, she knew how bad her mother was. "Dr. Shepherd?" A nurse asked. "Here is food and there are no news about your wife." "Thank you." I replied quietly. I have to go to visit Mer, why is that so hard for me? She's the love of my life and I can't bring myself to check on her? "Derek?" A voice asked, I looked up and saw Lexie. "Hey." I answered. "You should go and be with Mer." Lexie said. "I can't. It's my fault, she's in this situation." I said to her, "Why would it be your fault? You were not the one who crashed into her car." Lexie said. "I made her leave. We had a fight about my trial. Because she switched the envelopes. I was so mad at her. I told her she would be a bad mother. I told her I needed space. I was not planning on coming home tonight, I wanted to stay at the house we're building. What if Meredith would've died at the scene. Our last conversation would have been that I hurt her, with my words and now our last conversation was awkward. I didn't told her that I loved her. I said it after she had the seizure, where she was unresponsive." Tears were streaming down my face by now. My voice was trembling. "It's all my fault. If I had been with her, she wouldn't be in a coma. She's half dead because of me. At this moment I don't know if Zola will have a mom again. I can't be with Meredith, it's my fault." I sobbed. "Derek, you both screwed up. You are both idiots, but Meredith is the woman that you love and she would sit with you. She would sit with you and talk with you. So go to Meredith. I'll stay with Zola." Lexie said as she moved closer to grab Zola. I nodded and went out of the room.

Soon I stood in front of the ICU room from Meredith. I saw her through the glass. She looked pale and weak. The sight of her with a ventilator made me nauseous. I hate seeing her like this. I can't bring myself to go into her room. A person appears next to me. "She'll be okay." Mark said as he squeezed my shoulder. "You don't know that." I whispered. "C'mon Grey wouldn't go down without a fight and she wouldn't leave you or Zola." He replied. "I'm not sure about that anymore. I hurt her badly." I admitted quietly. "Meredith loves you." Mark said as he squeezed my shoulder once more before he left the ICU.

I took a deep breath, I opened the door and went inside. I closed the door and saw Bailey standing at the nurses station watching me. She nodded slightly. I turned to Meredith's body for the first time I took the situation full in. Meredith's body laid down on a bed, not moving. She was pale, she doesn't look like my wife anymore, but she's still beautiful. I sat down beside her and took her hand in mine, I kissed it gently. "I love you." I choked out. "Please come back to me. I can't raise Zola without you. You're the best mother a child could ask for. I'm sorry that I questioned you. I shouldn't have done it. I'm so sorry, please wake up Mer. I need you. Zola needs her Mommy. I love you. Please wake up. I'm sorry for what I said, I was mad, because I didn't understand why you did it, but now I know why. You didn't want Richard to go through the same you did with your mom. I understand it now. I'm sorry how I treated you. Please wake up. Please, don't die. I love you so much, you're my whole world. If you die, I die. I can't live without you Mer, I need you. Please don't die. Please, I'm begging you, stay with me please. If you don't want to fight for me then fight for Zola, Lexie, Cristina and Alex. If you die, we'll all fall apart. Nothing would be the same." Tears were running down my cheeks and I made no effort to stop them. My tears were landing on Meredith's hand and her sheets. "I can't live in a world, where you're not in it. I can't live in a world where I can't hear your giggle or your gorgeous smile or your beautiful green eyes. I couldn't do that. You're the love of my life. Please don't leave me." I looked up to her face and I saw that her eyes were still closed. "I'm going to check on Zola. Please don't leave Mer. I'll wait for you." I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I love you so much." I whispered. I left the room and went straight to my office. That's when I completely broke down. I grabbed a mug, which was standing on my desk and threw it against the wall. It shattered in pieces. I slid down on a wall and cried. "How could I not see it? How could I not see it?" I asked myself. "It's my fault. If I checked her earlier she wouldn't be in the situation."