The Thought Of You

chapter 22.

"Alex.." I hear him gasp. Val? Val!? Panic shivers through my whole body. How did I get here? In this house. With Val? "You aren't supposed to be here!" I yell at him. I don't remember why he isn't supposed to be here, it just doesn't feel like he should. Is it because of James?

"I'm sorry Alex, I thought I'd say good luck with James today." He's in grief , I can tell. Just cant tell what stage in grief he's in. All maybe?  If that's even possible. "With James? Why with James? Can I not hang out with you?" I try to yell but my voice is low. I admedently take notice at it and Val looks away. What's wrong with my voice? "Val," I sigh out. "You have to find that out on your own.." Val sounds like he's said it over million's of times. I slam  my  hand on the bed to yell at him again. Instead I started to choke on my own words. "You have children now , Alex. You got to stop thinking about me.." What? no! Never! 

"I'm hurting you , Alex. Forget about me, Just for this lifetime. Please."

"I don't have children! I DONT! And ill never stop thinking of you!" I began to cry. Why would I need to think of him if he's in front of my face?

"Don't make this harder then it has to be again" Again? Val reaches over the bed to hug me. His angle like ways. "I love you, I will always love you. You will too, But you love someone else more than me. James, Lilly and Valentine." Valentine, Its so close to Val's name but I know its not his, But the name sounds so familiar. As if It really was my child. "Is that our kid name?" I shoot a  hopeful look at him. Val starts to lightly shake his head and laugh. Why would he laugh about this?  "Look around, Alex." He opens his arms up and spins in two circles. Then I do look. Its cold, Everything is dusty, Hasn't been touched in sometime. "There is no our anymore" His words hurt me in a way I never thought they would. I would always reclaim its only his but now he says it, It hurts. "All your things are gone, Alexander" When I look again. They are gone, Everything of mine is gone. I feel like he's breaking up with me in his own way.

"Please, Val" I beg. drops of tears filled my eyes as some fell. He doesn't even look at me.  "I want you Val, I cant leave you, I want you."  I sob. 

"I know about Camila, I know about everything." I lie.  I just remember her calling him the party night. "You don't have to keep pushing away from me. Nothing you can say would make me stop loving you. I wouldn't even leave you!" My voice rings through out the whole house. "So you know I fucked Camila." My sobs stop with my heart, but my tears still flows. " You know I fucked her brains out and I came inside of her.." My ears burn, Just like my heart. He knows I didn't know that.  He's just trying to hurt me. He's trying to push me away. "I don't believe you." He runs his fingers through his hair, still facing the wall. "When have I ever lied to you?" He's never lied to me.  He wouldn't even lie to push me away. "The boy who I talked to on the phone is my baby. Not yours. Not ours. Mine." He's got to be shitting me. 

"Val," I say with an broken heart. "I love you, " I feel pathetic but I don't give a fuck. I want him, I need him. "Get out." He says, I don't even believe this is Val. "Don't come back." He adds. "Look me in the face, and say it." The emotion drains out my voice. "Tell me to my face, don't be a coward." He turns to face me with a fade smile. "Get out and don't come back.. Maybe in another life we can be together. Just not this one," He gives me a hopeful smile.  "Say it again." 

He's not hurting me enough for me to want to walk away.  Not yet. "Get the fuck out or you will be visiting hell." A voice that wasn't Val's steps in. A husky voice behind me Starts to laugh. "Well technically my heaven because babe, you know how good you  feel against my dick, Right?" Kole- His hands is around my neck. I look over to Val, He gives me one last glace. Taking every inch of me in, with that her turns way. Ignoring the panic in my eyes. "Get out baby, If you ever come back you'll feel my hard cock against you, again."  Val pretends I'm not even their, in the hands on the guy he.. Didn't someone tell me that Kole was gone. As if he was dead. "Val you're going to let him do this?" He's going to let him touch all over me, After what he's seen Kole do to me?  Kole heated breathe blows into my ear. "Baby you should go now, Fair warning." He kisses me  on the cheek. I sort of want to sleep with him now. Despite all the shit he's put me through, He is the only way I could get to Val. But I wont, I'm better then that. I wait there for Val to rush over to me and at least hug me. "Baby you really need to leave now. If I have to tell you again , you wont be able to walk out this house." He begins to sound angered by my presents. 

"If I leave now, I never want to see you again." I tell Val but he ignores me again. Before Kole does anything I turn on my heal and leave. What are they? Some kind of friends now? The best of friends again. What the fuck did I miss, really. Do I actually have kids? With James? I don't remember much about James. I know we are on good terms now, Just not on those kinds of good terms. Its pouring outside I don't know where to go so I just run.  

I've been running for some time now. I haven't stopped, But I feel like I haven't ran in years.  I probably haven't. the farther I ran into the unknown. I started to remember the roads I ran down, This is where James live. The road that leads to his home. The farther I got I remembered my little boy Valentine. My little girl Lilly. My family started to slip inside my mind as Val and Kole started to slip away. "Baby!" Someone yells far in the distance. James yelled. "JAMES!" I yell running faster into the darkness. Rain drips from his face but I can tell its not only rain, its tears too. His natural ginger hair covered his eyes. I jumped into his arms in full speed. He was crying, his shaking proves it. He tries not to cry in front of me or the kids. I'm sure they're asleep now.

"I'm so sorry, baby.. I'm so sorry" He keeps repeating himself. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, You don't ever have to run from me baby. I wouldn't ever lay a hand on you like that." He's still crying. I don't know how to feel in this moment. "Why did I run away from you?" I ask. Not knowing where I went or why I left my family over a silly argument.  "We went to Lilly's parent conference meeting and the teacher started flirting with you and you invited him over for dinner, So I.. um.." He trails off.  He sneezes me so I couldn't wiggle myself out of him. "I bring up your asshole of an ex, To remind you why I don't trust men around you while I'm at work."

"My ex is the reason I'm like this? Why I don't remember? The reason behind my..PTSD." I try to hold my tears back, even though I know I couldn't. 

James garbs my face. Looks me in my teary eyes. "Val and Kole are dead, They have been dead for ten years now. Val killed Kole, Then Val killed himself because he didn't want to face you after that. We have a family together, We gotten married. We have two beautiful children. You even named our boy after Valentino and we named Lilly because its your favorite flower." He's recalling everything as everything clicks back to me, I try to shake lose to kill myself. Its as if I'm living it all over again. He tightens his grip on me. Its no point in running, I just need him more than anything right now. So why wont I let him help me. He's just following doctors orders. He isn't trying to hurt me.

"Your name is Alexandra Davis, Your married to James Davis which is me baby. Its been ten years since you lost a lot. Through out the years you've gained a lot. You have nightmares that cause you to sleep walk to see that house. You swear you see them, Doctors say its because you think about them. That's when they appear. You used to see them everywhere, But now you only see them in the house. You're safe with me baby. I don't say all these things to hurt you. I say these things because I love you, I want you to tap back into reality."

"I want you to live a happy life with your husband and kids ,baby. I wont fuck up anymore. I want you to help you survive, so you can live."