The reason that keeps me alive - BokuAka [English Version]

Chapter 6

Like every time, Bokuto had left half of his things on the bus and Akaashi had taken them out when he saw the captain with Kuroo.
 
"Bokuto! You forgot your things!" shouted Komi.
Akaashi dropped Bokuto's backpack on the floor beside him. "That was the last time."
Bokuto scratched the back of his head. "Thank you."
 
Akaashi followed Sarukui and the others straight into the Shinzen.
Normally, he had always waited for Bokuto. And he felt the latter's puzzled look on the back of his neck.
But the reason he resisted his habit was that he couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't know about something. He didn't know why it bothered him so much, but maybe it was just because of the bad start to the day.
 
When they arrived at the team's temporary bedroom, they all set up their sleeping places.
Akaashi was about to text Bokuto where he was staying when he unconsciously clicked on the group. Again he read through the messages from the previous evening. And again he didn't understand.
 
He just doesn't trust you.
 
Akaashi swallowed. Not here, please not here.
 
Are you even enough?
 
He closed his eyes.
He remembered his father's words from the morning. "You can't even play properly. Aren't you more of a burden to them?"
 
Akaashi sighed.
"Akaashi? Are you all right?" asked Komi.
He startled when he saw the libero standing next to him.
"Y-yes. I-I just need to g-go." At the same moment he jumped up and ran to the toilet.
 
Why are you running? Do you really hope it would get better?
 
He squeezed his eyes shut as the voice in his head became unbearable, yanked open the door to the toilet, and propped himself up against the sink.
 
When, after an agonising two minutes, his head stopped pounding, he looked up - and looked in his reflection. He ran his hand over his now no longer red cheek. "For what? For what am I staying-"
"AKAASHI! I've been looking for you!!!"
Akaashi startled. "My goodness!"
"Sorry. Did I scare you?" Bokuto almost looked proud.
"Are you proud of that?"
"Yes!"
 
Akaashi washed his hands. "Are you done with the welcoming ceremony now?"
Bokuto laughed. "Why did you leave?"
"Do I always have to be there?"
"Sure!" Bokuto looked over his shoulder, and Akaashi hoped he didn't notice how much that made him nervous.
He was enjoying the feeling. For some reason he would have liked to wrap his hands around his neck, bury his head in his shoulder, let it all out, tell it all, let his tears run free.
But he couldn't do it.
 
 
The rest of the day went on as usual.
First training games, lunch, training games, and then the usual free training with Bokuto, Kuroo and Tsukishima. Everything as usual. And then came Lev and the little boy from the Karasuno.
 
What was his name again?
 
To cut a long story short: Lev had run away from the receiving training with Yaku, the little redhead was first dumped by his server, then by Kenma. Then Kuroo had the idea to play a 3-on-3 match. With a rather unfair team split, noted.
 
"Woaah! Hinata that was great!"
That's right, Hinata was his name.
 
Bokuto and Hinata gossiped, as they went on they talked a lot, Bokuto explained things to him - far too complicated, according to Akaashi - and as time went on and it got more and more, he had a strange feeling in his stomach.
 
I'm not jealous, no.
 
But he hoped something would come up to quell the torrent of emotions running through his head right now.
 
"Boys! If you don't hurry up, there won't be any dinner!"
Thank you, Shirofuku.
 
 
 
In his mind, redemption had been different.
They were almost the last ones in the cafeteria, Hinata and Lev had joined them at the table.
Akaashi had convinced himself that he was merely amazed that Bokuto got along so well with the first-year. Deep down, though, even though there was no way he was going to admit it, he was just one thing, and that was jealous.
 
Just go. They don't need you.
 
Akaashi immediately shook the thought aside. Stop it.
He pulled up when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Are you all right? You're so silent."
Akaashi averted his eyes from Bokuto's, looking at the half-empty plate in front of him. "Yeah, sure. I'm just tired, that's all. I think I'll go to sleep then."
Bokuto smiled wryly. "Too bad. So you're not playing later?"
He shook his head.
"Are you still eating that?" Bokuto pointed at Akaashi's plate, and he shook his head again.
 
 
 
The thought of Bokuto staying in the gym alone with Hinata and Kuroo because Tsukishima had gone back to the Karasuno room and Lev had been shipped back to the other hall by Yaku haunted him.
He couldn't sleep, no matter how hard he tried, so he grabbed a book from the shelf that was in the room and started leafing through it.
No sooner had Akaashi's thoughts been sorted, however, than he only had to look up from the book once, and immediately there was confused chaos again, which he couldn't seem to get rid of.
 
 
 
The sunlight hit his face. Akaashi rubbed his eyes and turned to the other side.
"Akaashi?" He merely mumbled a sleepy yes without looking up much.
"Um, so-"
"You and Bokuto weren't fighting, were you?" Konoha's voice, unmistakable.
Akaashi immediately opened his eyes and sat up. "Not that I know of. Why?"
"He's already gone, to dinner. And last night you came up one at a time," Komi explained.
 
Bokuto.
Alone.
To breakfast.
 
"What, why?"
Konoha raised his shoulders. "He said nothing."
Akaashi rubbed his eyes again.
Please not what I'm thinking.
 
 
So he had hurried.
Finished quickly.
But Bokuto wasn't in the cafeteria.
 
...he was in the gym.
 
Akaashi didn't think much as he walked along the path to the gym, his hands in the jacket pocket of his training jacket.
I just want to make sure.
 
He stopped just before the entrance, leaning against the wall of the hall, Bokuto and Kuroo's voices clearly audible inside.
Akaashi exhaled in relief. He turned around to go back when the ball noises died away.
 
"Have you told him yet?" asked Kuroo.
Akaashi climbed back the one step he had taken forward.
"No," Bokuto muttered, loud enough that he could just hear it.
"Dude. Is this going to be something before I retire?"
Bokuto snorted. "Shut up. I don't know how to tell him that."
"You've been telling me that for a year."
"And for a year you've been teasing me about it instead of helping me in any way."
"If I help you, it'll take you even longer, believe me."
 
Who are they talking about?
 
"Maybe I'm just afraid he won't want anything to do with me after this."
Akaashi could literally hear Bokuto letting it all hang out.
"Just tell Akaashi that you-"
 
"What are you doing out here?"
Akaashi cringed when he saw Lev standing next to him.
"You're not spying, are you?"
"N-no, I'm just getting some fresh air and-"
"AKAASHI! Hey Hey Heeeyyy!!" Bokuto ran up to him with his arms outstretched, grabbed his hand and pulled him along. "Let's play some more before the games start!"
I hate you, Lev.
I hate you.