The reason that keeps me alive - BokuAka [English Version]

Chapter 26

The priest gave his speech and those present fell silent.
Miyashita cried, Bokuto could no longer do so, as he had done so continuously over the last few days.

His eyes kept glancing at the picture next to the coffin, which showed Akaashi’s face, and his heart stopped every time he thought about the fact that it was his friend who had just been buried here.

So after the priest’s speeches and the funeral orators, he went to the front, just like everyone else, to pay his last respects to Akaashi.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to realise what was happening here, but it all seemed so distant, so untrue.
When he opened his eyes, everyone was gone.

Confused, he looked around, but the only thing that remained was him and the coffin in front of him.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. Startled, he turned round – and saw Akaashi.

„K-Keiji?“

Akaashi smiled.

Bokuto wanted to hug him, but Akaashi backed away. „I’m not here, Bo. You’re just wishing.“

Now his vision blurred a little. „Why?“

Akaashi tilted his head. „Why what?“
„Why did you do that? Why are you dead?“

The smile disappeared from the setter’s lips. „Am I?“



Bokuto slowly opened his eyes, the beeping of the devices in his ears.
He looked around.
He was still in the hospital room, with his friend in front of him, hanging on to some equipment.

Tired, Bokuto rubbed his eyes with his right hand, as the other had been holding the setter for hours.
He wasn’t interested in the world around him, the only thing he wanted was to be with his lover, hoping he would wake up at any moment.
So he didn’t even notice the approaching footsteps.

„Hey,“ said Miyashita.

Bokuto looked at her briefly as she took the chair from the small table and sat down next to the bed, facing him.

„Hey,“ the third-year mumbled almost inaudibly. „What did he say?“

The woman pressed her lips together and sighed. „His condition hasn’t changed.“

The ace’s golden-brown eyes were fixed on Akaashi again, whose chest rose and fell at regular intervals.

„Will he wake up?“
„He said there was a chance.“

He stroked his cheek gently. „That’s my fault.“

„That’s not it. He wrote that.“

Bokuto bit his lower lip. „Yes, so I don’t feel bad. But it’s my fault that he had those thoughts in the first place. If I hadn’t said all that rubbish to him-„

Miyashita stroked his outstretched arm. „I did just as much wrong. I should have realised that something was wrong with him.“

Bokuto withdrew his hand and stared at the interlocked fingers.

There was silence for a while, then Miyashita sighed as she rubbed her temples.
She had slept at least as little as he had in the last few days, as the dark circles under her eyes and her dishevelled black hair revealed, then she squeezed Akaashi’s free hand.
„I wish I’d had more time with him.“

He looked at her hesitantly – he had almost forgotten that they had only recently found each other.

He looked sadly at her. „I believe he’ll wake up.“

Miyashita looked up. „Me too… But it’s been almost a week.“

Sighing, the boy laid his head down next to Akaashi’s torso, still holding her hand tightly, pulling her towards him a little, kissing his fingers.

As always, he didn’t want to leave after visiting hours, but as always, he had no choice.

So he dragged himself home, his body feeling heavier than ever.

He hadn’t been to school for almost a week, hadn’t been to training, hadn’t been anywhere except to the hospital to visit Akaashi, every day with the hope that he would wake up.

They had been lucky in their misfortune, because if Miyashita had found him just a few minutes later, the overdose of pills would have killed him instantly.

Maita was no longer surprised that Bokuto didn’t eat anything when he came home, but disappeared into his room immediately, and she gradually became afraid that he would hurt himself too if Akaashi didn’t survive the whole thing.

Yano put some food on her plate and went up to her brother’s room.
She knocked, but he showed no reaction. „Kotaro? Can I come in?“

No reaction.
Yano opened the door.
Bokuto sat silently on the bed, staring at the foot of the bed.

„You have to eat something.“
„I don’t want anything.“
„Kotaro.“

Yano closed the door and sat by his bed, placing the food on it.
„I’m not going to say I understand how you feel now, because I’ve never experienced anything like this.“ She brushed a strand of white hair behind her ear. „But I can guess.“ She leaned forward and reached for his hands, stroking them reassuringly. „And I know this is incredibly difficult for you.“

„I don’t know what to do if he-„ Bokuto began to sob, and now his sister scooted over a little to hug him.
„It’s going to be all right.“ She stroked his back reassuringly.
„How do you know?“
Yano stroked his tousled hair that was hanging from his head. „I don’t. But you know what the doctor said.“
„The doctor said a lot of things,“ he sobbed. „He also said that it’s unusual for him not to wake up.“
She stroked his back reassuringly.
„It’s going to be all right, Kotaro.“

The next day, Maita came into his room at exactly half past six and ripped open the curtains.

Bokuto blinked in confusion and snuggled back into his bed. He had slept for maybe just four hours.

„You’re going back to school.“

Now his eyes snapped open. „No!“

„That might help you take your mind off things.“

Shocked by her statement, he sat up. „But I wanted to-„
„You can still visit him in the afternoon. But if you’re here or in hospital all day, you’ll lose your mind. Go to school, maybe to training. That will take your mind off it, believe me.“

„How can I just go to training while my setter-„ He broke off the sentence.

„I know, Kotaro. But you can try,“ she said in a calm voice. She really only meant well with him, after all, it hurt her to see him like this.

He was on his way to the classroom, having tuned out the voices around him.
He wanted to get to his class quickly so that he could get out of there fast.

Normally, Akaashi would be at his side right now.
Would be telling him that he would be late if he didn’t hurry. That they would meet up during the lunch break to play or eat together.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he only realised that someone was talking to him when the boy in front of him shook him a little. „Bokuto!“

„Huh?“

Konoha looked worried. „Can we talk?“
Bokuto walked past him. „I’m not in the mood.“
Again he pushed in front of him. „We’re all worried, Bokuto.“
„Okay.“ The captain pushed past him and entered his class.

During the lunch break, he stayed in his seat in the classroom, the others had already left.
On his mobile phone, he scrolled through the chat with Akaashi until he reached the very first message.

Bokuto
Hey hey hey! Are you free today?
5.4.2011


Akaashi
For?
5.4.2011


The corners of his mouth turned up a little as he thought back to the time when they had met.

He even had to smile a little when he thought about how Akaashi had said that volleyball was nothing special to him.

The door to the class was opened, but Bokuto didn’t even realise it at first. It was like a little journey he was on as he read through their messages.
„Bokuto?“
„My name.“

Konoha had his hands buried in his trouser pockets. „I just wanted to let you know I’m here if you need someone to talk to.“

Slowly, Bokuto looked up. „Thanks,“ he whispered as he turned back to his mobile phone.

„That’s what I wanted to tell you this morning. And…“ He tried to find the right words. „Do you…so could you…I mean, would it be possible…so…“

„For me to come to training?“

Konoha nodded uncertainly.

Bokuto switched off his mobile phone. „I don’t know if I can stand it if it’s not Keiji playing to me.“ Or if he entered the club room without him.

The wing spiker nodded knowingly. „Sure. Just come if you want.“


The bell rang just as class was finishing.
Bokuto packed up his things as quickly as possible so that he could drive to the hospital. He had actually considered coming to training, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand it.

He was just about to plug in his mobile phone when a message came in.

Miyashita
It looks good.
14:35

Bokuto’s hands were shaking and his pulse was rising.