The reason that keeps me alive - BokuAka [English Version]

Chapter 11

!!TW!!

This chapter contains topics such as self-harm & eating disorder, the section is again marked.

Anyone who can't take it should NOT read this section!!!

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Something was different.

But Akaashi had no idea what.

He sat beside the entrance to the gym, his gaze fixed on the floor. He almost didn't notice that Bokuto sat down next to him, put a hand around his shoulder and pulled him towards him.

A little, Akaashi lifted his head, their faces separated by mere inches before Bokuto made them disappear with a kiss.
"Is something wrong?"
Akaashi's eyes were still half-closed when he looked away. "No."
With a finger of his other hand, the third grader tapped him on the nose. "Say it."
"It's nothing. Really, it's not." That wasn't a lie.
Bokuto was about to follow up when the coach called everyone over and Akaashi stood up.
"In a few days," he said, "the Representative Playoffs begin in Tokyo, you know that."

Absolute silence.

Everyone knew what he was getting at.

Akaashi noticed out of the corner of his eye how Bokuto clenched his hands into fists and fixed his gaze on the floor.

"In the semi-finals, we play Nekoma," the coach continued.
"Who's playing in block two?" asked Konoha.
"You can guess, can't you?" said Komi.
"Nohebi and Ittachiyama," replied the coach.
Akaashi put a hand on Bokuto's fist to calm him down a little.
"I know what you are thinking now." The coach looked at the players' faces. "But we have to beat the Nekoma first before we play the Ittachiyama. And for that, they have to make it to the finals first too."
"Like they're going to lose," Bokuto muttered.
"Don't get down on yourselves already! Once we're in the final, the worst that can happen is that we'll be the second representative!" The coach took out a packet of notes from his pocket.

Akaashi swallowed.

He already guessed what these were.
"These are the consent forms your parents have to sign to allow you to go."

Shit.

Akaashi walked slowly down the stairs, five minutes after his father had fetched him for dinner again.
The latter was currently in a conversation with Kenzo, it almost sounded like a discussion.

The setter knew what happened when he did what he wanted to do, but he was curious right now.
He stood next to the door frame to the dining room, so that no one could see him.
"And what exactly does she want now?!" his father grumbled.
"You know that." Kenzo's voice sounded calm.

The two had known each other since their school days, and Akaashi knew that Kenzo was a very patient and good-natured person. He had often calmed his father down when he had gone crazy and yelled at Akaashi.

"I don't want to see that damn woman!"
"She doesn't want to see you either, Chiziwa. She wants to see him."

Silence.

Him?

"Well, she didn't want to for ten years."
"That's what she wanted, and you know it. What you did was so wrong, and I idiot believed you and even helped you!"
"Kenzo. I'm telling you, it was the best thing for everyone!"

Silence.

Kenzo walked closer to him. "For everyone but him. You treat him like dirt. He doesn't deserve something like that. He's still young."
Sensing the approaching footsteps, Akaashi stepped back and pretended he had just come downstairs.
"Ah, there you are already."
"Uh, yeah. Sorry."

Kenzo was already sitting at the table reading the paper, Akaashi and his father setting the table.

The conversation he had just overheard was weighing on his stomach.

His father didn't dignify him with a glance, didn't speak a single word to him while he cut peppers.

Partly nothing new.

But Akaashi somehow suspected that the conversation had been about him.
Then he remembered the consent form he had folded up in his jumper pocket.
He pulled it out and took a deep breath in and out.
"Dad?"
"Huh?"
"C-could y-you maybe sign this?" He held the note out to him.
"What's this?" Shaking his head, his father skimmed the text.
"Just the consent form to see if I can go to the playoffs."
"No." He held the note out to him again.
Akaashi stared at him, then at his father. "W-what, why?"
"Because I said so."
"Why don't you let him go with you, Chiziwa?"
"I said no!"
Akaashi took the note and straightened it. He rummaged around in his head for arguments, even if it meant risking a lot.

And then something occurred to him.

"You'd be rid of me for two days."

His father stopped cutting. "What?"
"Two days. You wouldn't have to see me."

For the first time he looked at him. "Where do I sign?"
Kenzo made an indignant noise. "Are you serious?!"
Akaashi pointed to the line while holding back tears.

Akaashi had just swallowed the last bite when he felt sick again.

"Can I go up?" he asked quickly as he prepared to run.
His father was silent, Kenzo nodded.
Akaashi started walking again with quick steps, at the stairs he ran again.

He yanked open the door, locked it quickly. He didn't have time to turn on the shower, because everything was already coming out.

It was only two minutes later that he stood up again.
With one hand he propped himself up on the sink while he washed his mouth.
His father had not wanted to sign because he wanted to nail him at home. Only when he had heard that he didn't have to see his son had he agreed.

Well, there you go again.

A tear fell from his eye. Akaashi raised his head and looked at himself in the mirror, then went to his room.

!!!TW!!!!!

He opened the drawer of his bedside table. Further back, under a notebook, he took out the shard of glass.

Over his arm was the bandage from yesterday. Slowly, without taking his eyes off it, he loosened it.

His gaze fell on the line. He ran his fingers over it before placing the shard next to it. His breath quickened a little, he swallowed, breathed deeply in and out, closed his eyes.

Then he ran the shard over his skin.