The reason that keeps me alive - BokuAka [English Version]

Chapter 16

"I was just in the second grade of high school when it all started. I played volleyball or read books besides school, sometimes I was out with my brother and we wandered around the city.

I lived in Osaka at that time and I was happy with my life.
One day I stayed longer at school to do some more training when a boy asked me from the entrance of the hall where the library was, he was new and didn't really know his way around yet.

I then showed him, and twenty-two years later I still regret being such a good person, because it turned my life upside down.

As time went by we met more often by chance, eventually they were no longer coincidences.
I had fallen in love with him, and a little later he confessed his feelings to me too.
We were together, and happy.

At least for a few months.
Then he started to behave strangely.

He freaked out when I was just talking to another boy. If he wanted to do something with me, I had to cancel everything else, or else.... he would hurt me again, yell at me, or I don't know what all.

A few months after that, I didn't have a single male friend. And then my girlfriends also distanced themselves from me because he threatened them and they were afraid of him.

He wanted me all to himself.

I didn't break up with him because I was so fucking blinded. I loved him and didn't see what kind of person he really was.

I couldn't wait for secondary school to end, honestly. I thought everything would get better after that.

At some point it clicked for me. I called him on it, he apologised and said he was going to change, and I, a complete idiot, believed him.

We then moved in together and that sort of gave him the right to do whatever he wanted with me.

The worst was when he had had a bad day at work.
He always took everything out on me, from beatings to...yeah....

I was scared of him by now. I thought if I ended this relationship he would do worse to me. So I also said yes when we were standing at the altar.

And one day, when I was only twenty-one... I found out I was pregnant.
It was like a light at the end of this tunnel, and I was so happy. I thought when he found out he was going to be a father he would change, and he was happy when I told him.
For the first four months we were in a normal relationship. He took care of me and the baby, and I could smile again in his presence.

And then his work went downhill.
He started with the drugs and the alcohol, which he would sometimes throw at me or break a bottle of it on me.

I gave birth to the child and it was a girl....

I didn't even know her for two minutes.
Then my daughter died without me ever having held her alive.

That was the absolute low point in my life, but not the only one.

Of course, it also changed him and it started all over again with beatings, insults, humiliations, and so on.

I never got over it. And when I held another positive pregnancy test in my hand a year later, I knew it couldn't go on like this, so I said nothing.

A week later he left on a business trip - and I packed my things, my brother picked me up and I moved to Hyogo near him.

I ignored it when he contacted me.
And I gave birth to you, Keiji."

Akaashi handed her a tissue as she sobbed out loud, himself holding back tears.

"You were healthy and you were the greatest gift of my life.
I didn't want to admit that I couldn't hide you forever.

And then one day a lawyer showed up at my door.
Why?
Because your father was suing me.

It was the beginning of an eternally dragging process. In court he said that I had abused you and somehow he found false evidence to that effect. To this day I don't know why he was so desperate to tear you away from me, but I know it wasn't because he missed you or you were his son.

He needed a witness to corroborate his story.
And that was Kenzo.

So I had absolutely no chance left.

And the court decided that he would get custody, I couldn't come near you anymore, otherwise I would have to serve a sentence in prison, so this is actually illegal right now.
I had to spend two years in a psychiatric ward, then I had a hard time getting a job.
But the worst thing was that I didn't have you anymore.

That destroyed my life.
I gave everything for years, but it was impossible.
I didn't even know where he'd gone with you.

Yes, I met someone new, and yes, I had another son with him. Six months ago we moved to Tokyo.
But you were always in my head.

And then Kuroda suggested we watch the high school volleyball finals.

And when I saw your name in the programme there, and Kuroda said he had seen a boy who looked like me, I didn't know what to say.
Then when we came face to face after Eleven, I knew it was you.

And now we're sitting here. And I can't believe it."

With tears in her eyes, she looked to Akaashi. "I still love you more than anything, Keiji. I suspect he'll do bad things to you too, so I'm asking you to join me in taking him to prison?"

Akaashi looked to her - inwardly full of anger, outwardly full of tears. "Yes," he replied, suppressing a sob. "I will."