The reason that keeps me alive - BokuAka [English Version]

Chapter 8

"GET UP!" shouted Konoha, tearing open the curtains.
 
Akaashi didn't mind. Some days almost nothing could wake him.
 
"Have you gone mad?!" asked Washio.
"Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, there are no clouds. Regrettably, though, it's the last day of camp, which means we're playing our last games today." Konoha opened the window and breathed in the air loudly. "So get ready already!"
"Did you take something?" muttered Komi.
"Are you guys still asleep?!" Bokuto came hobbling into the room, having meanwhile put on his second sock.
 
Akaashi opened his eyes slightly, only to be blinded once again by the sun. He snuggled back under the covers. No matter how hot the temperature was, he liked to curl up under it as if it was sub-zero.
 
"Akaashi!" Bokuto squatted down in front of him. "I'm hungry!"
"Then go get something," he murmured softly.
"I'm not leaving without you," he said without hesitation. "So get up already."
 
Konoha pulled the pad on which Komi was still lying away with all his might. "YOU TOO!"
"ARE YOU COMPLETELY LOSING IT NOW?!"
 
 
As usual, Akaashi kept relatively quiet at breakfast.
 
It had been days since his meltdown in the toilet, and he still hadn't gotten an answer, no matter how many times he stared at his phone. Several times Akaashi had already looked for eye contact, but there was no response.
"Are you waiting for a message?"
Akaashi quickly shook his head.
"Then why are you stalking your phone all the time?"
Akaashi searched his brain for excuses but couldn't think of any. "Are you looking forward to the game?"
Bokuto tilted his head. "Don't distract from the topic."
 
At the same moment that Akaashi's phone vibrated, he had already unlocked it.

Y.
I told you to watch out.                          
                           7:59

Akaashi
I didn't know that he would
go through my things when
I'm not at home.
7:59

Akaashi
Do you happen to have anything
with you?
7:59

Y.
Akaashi.                
           7:59

Akaashi
Yes?
8:00

Y.
This can't be the solution
forever. I've already
told you to be with this, and
you said yourself that your
panic attacks aren't going away,
they're just... the frequency is less                                
                8:00

Akaashi
Please. I just feel safer with it.
8:00

Y.
...
8:00
 
Y.
16:30. Second Hall.                                       
                8:00

Akaashi
Thank you!!
8:00

He heaved a relieved sigh.
 
"Whatever it was, you seem calmer now somehow." Bokuto didn't look up, but enjoyed his food. Akaashi put his phone aside but didn't say a word.
 
 
After the last match against Karasuno, the coaches surprised the boys with barbecue.
 
Akaashi stayed until 16:25, then tried to sneak away inconspicuously.
He had made it as far as the gym without attracting attention. So everything had gone smoothly until then.
 
"Heyyy Akaashi! What are you doing here?"
Akaashi closed his eyes in annoyance, sighed before turning around. That guy just has a way of always barging in awkwardly.
 
"Hey Lev. Why aren't you with the others?"
He raised his shoulders. "I was walking around. And then I saw you."
"So...are you going back to the others now?" Akaashi tried to remain as friendly as possible.
Lev swayed his head. "I don't really know, so-"
"Of course you do. Kenma misses you terribly already, and besides, there's another supply of that meat you liked so much." Yaku patted Lev on the back.
"Really?"
Yaku nodded. "But not for long."
"Okay, see you later then!"
 
Akaashi and Yaku waved before turning to each other.
 
"I still don't quite agree with that," Yaku muttered.
Akaashi merely looked at him pleadingly. "Please."
 
Yaku opened his jacket pocket, took out a small tin and held it out to him, not looking at him.
Akaashi took it gratefully. "Thank you. What do you want for it?"
The libero regarded him hesitantly. "That you don't use it up too quickly. And be careful. And keep it safe this time. Promise me. This was the last time."
He nodded. "I promise."
Yaku turned to go. "Good, now I have to catch Lev before he goes back to the grill because he forgets that it's hot."
 
 
 
It was late by the time the team headed home. Bokuto slept next to Akaashi, snoring briefly now and then. Akaashi was playing something on his mobile phone without getting too excited about it. His head was empty for half an hour, his concentration was on the game - until Bokuto's head landed on his shoulder.
 
Akaashi only understood the situation a few seconds later, and a tiny smile appeared on his face. No matter what a big ace Bokuto was, sometimes, outside of the games, he was just a little kid who desperately needed care, otherwise he would set the house on fire. He leaned his head against Bokuto's, feeling fatigue wash over him. He just wanted to close his eyes for a moment.
 
"Yo, lovebirds, we're here!" Konoha knocked against the chairs.
 
Akaashi blinked a few times. Had he actually fallen asleep? He patted Bokuto on the shoulder, who mumbled something he didn't understand before Akaashi told him they had arrived.
 
Outside, everyone was already waiting. The coach read something on a piece of paper before turning to the team. "Good, you know that this was the last camp before the qualification. I hope you were able to learn a few things, we have strong opponents ahead of us." Akaashi found it hard to stay alert. Fatigue had completely taken him over, he would have preferred to just go to sleep. "We'll discuss the rest tomorrow. Get some rest."
 
Akaashi strolled along the path, his thoughts fixated on excuses that would calm his father down in a moment, even though he knew that anything he would say, no matter what, would only make him angrier.
 
Slowly he unlocked the door and entered the house. Behind him, he let the door fall into the lock. He was startled when he recognised his father in the hallway. His voice caught in his throat.
 
"Good evening, son." He took a few steps towards him.
"Hello", Akaashi said softly.
His father was now standing directly in front of him, looking down at him. "Your bag."
"What?"
"Give me your bag. I want to see if you take any more of that stuff." He snatched his bag out of his hand, threw some stuff out and searched it.
 
Shit, why didn't I take it out?
 
His father tossed the rest aside, took the can out and held it out to him. "How can you be so selfish?"
"I already explained it to you."
"No, you lied. The truth is you just want to destroy my career."
"I really don't."
He felt his breath on his face. "Then don't!" He threw the can away. "Now go to your room, I don't want to see you again today!"
 
Akaashi quickly gathered his things, then ran up the stairs to his room. He buried his head in the pillow, but no tears came.
 
Wasn't Bokuto supposed to still be training?
 
 
He didn't hurry, he felt he was walking even slower than usual.
 
After an hour and a thousand detours, however, Akaashi finally arrived at the school, his gut steering him towards the hall. He was only a few steps away when he heard the familiar voices again - but without the sound of the ball.
 
Akaashi stopped - and listened as he recognised Bokuto and Konoha's voices.
 
"Yesterday he questioned me about the group thing. Please sort it out with him already, I don't feel like getting into a fight with him," Konoha said.
"Then you wouldn't have written this. It's your own fault."
"My own fault?! I was just trying to help stop all this sneaking around!"
"Let that be my problem!" Bokuto threw a ball against the wall. "I don't want Akaashi to find out about this."
"Bokuto, the whole team knows!"
"Except him," Washio objected.
"Exactly! He feels left out because he suspects we're all hiding something."
"I'm not going to tell him! I don't know how he'll react, nor what will happen then! Even if I tell him, what's going to happen?!"
"Do we really have to tell you?" asked Komi quietly.
"You really want to shut him out?" asked Sarukui.
 
Bokuto muttered something. "If it's safe for us to remain friends if he doesn't find out, I will, yes."
 
Akaashi closed his eyes as a single tear slid down his cheek. His thoughts were spinning.
 
So they really are shutting me out.
 
He took a step forward, right in front of the entrance. He didn't know what he was doing, everything just happened on its own.
"I don't think that makes the situation any better", Konoha said.
 
Silence fell.
Akaashi had lowered his head. "It's okay." A quick glance to his left told him that everyone was staring at him. A slow step, then faster and faster until he was further away, the tears he had held back for so long streaming from his eyes.
 
"Akaashi! Wait!"
 
He heard approaching footsteps until Bokuto was beside him, turning him to face him. "It's not what you think, I-"
"Oh yeah?" Akaashi wiped tears from his cheek. "I thought we were friends. Best friends. And you can't even manage to trust me! Go ahead and say I'm exaggerating!"
"Y-you're not."
"Then what's going on? What are you all not telling me? Just tell me!"
 
Akaashi saw Bokuto's eyes watering as well. "I can't."
"Why?"
Bokuto looked to the side.
"Bokuto! I want to know what's going on!" Akaashi recognised a tear on his cheek.
"I don't want to lose you."
"Bokuto!" Akaashi turned him to face him. "What's this about?!"
 
Bokuto looked him in the eye. "About you," he whispered, just loud enough for him to hear. "It's about you."
"What?" Akaashi let go of him.
"Akaashi, I..."
 
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds before Bokuto took his hand. "I...I..." He squeezed his eyes shut, looking to the side again.
 
Akaashi didn't know what to say. His vision was completely blurred by now, his voice gone. Bokuto exhaled loudly once, turned to him, held Akaashi's cheek with his hand. Then he came closer, Akaashi felt his breath before their lips touched. He closed his eyes, as did Bokuto, his hands around the latter's neck. His own body shivered as if he were in an area with sub-zero temperatures, without a jacket.
 
The moment felt endless, as if time had stopped. Akaashi forgot everything that had happened in the last hours, days, weeks, years. This moment burned itself into his memory and he enjoyed it. Bokuto removed his lips from his, leaned his forehead against his.
 
"I love you, Akaashi."
 
Akaashi swallowed, trying to calm his pulse. "I..." Bokuto stroked his cheek.
 
I love you too.
 
"I can't do this," he blurted out.
 
The ace looked at him in confusion. "What?"
 
Akaashi broke away from him. "That. I-I can't."
"Akaashi, what do you mean?"
"THIS, EVERYTHING, Bokuto!"
 
What am I talking about!
 
Akaashi took a few steps backwards before turning and walking away with quick strides. Each step felt heavy, his face tear-stained. If his head was completely empty earlier, it was all the more full now.
 
Why did I do this?? Why did I leave?!
 
He yanked open the door, ran into his room, slammed the door, buried his face in his pillow.
He didn't hear the door open. "So you slam doors?"
"Please not today," he sobbed.
 
His father pulled him up.