The reason that keeps me alive - BokuAka [English Version]

Chapter 25

A/N

Even though I don’t really want to do it, as it would possibly be a spoiler, I have to put a TW here at this point…
(Maybe after the last chapter one or the other could have guessed it anyway, but well)

!!! TW!!!
This chapter will be sad and the topic of suicide may come up.

!!! This applies to the entire chapter, which is why no specific section is marked this time.

If you can’t take it, you should NOT read it.

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It was cold, the snow was slowly falling from the sky.
Icicles had formed on some of the houses and shops, the air was icy, and every time Akaashi exhaled, a small cloud of ice came out of his mouth.

His hands buried in his jacket pockets, he was on his way to school.
His facial expressions were the same, still neutral.
His clothes the same, still the grey school blazer with the light blue tie.
The circles under his eyes were covered with make-up again.

What was different?
He was no longer trying to put on a fake smile, and he wasn’t waiting for Bokuto outside the school.

He had been avoiding the third-grader for days, ignoring any attempts to talk to him.

For days, Bokuto had regretted getting so angry.
He knew that they would have argued sooner or later, it was part of the game, but under these circumstances he would have preferred to postpone their first big fight.

It had been another three days since then and Bokuto was waiting for his friend in the school building – at least he hoped they were still together after the whole thing.
It made him incredibly sad that he hadn’t had the setter with him, and his emo phase was starting to show again.

When he saw Akaashi, who wasn’t even looking at him, come in, he walked up to him.
„Keiji? Can we talk, please?“

Akaashi stubbornly continued in the direction of his class, pretending not to hear him.

„I didn’t mean it like that, Keiji. Please, talk to me.“

He put his hand on his shoulder, trying to keep up with his pace. „I can’t take it anymore.“

„Oh, so now suddenly I don’t have a front anymore, do I?“ Akaashi stopped abruptly and stared at him.

„I want to talk to you. I didn’t mean it like that!“

„Oh? Okay.“ That was all he said before he shook off the captain’s hand and ran straight to his class.

Back in the corridor, Bokuto was on the verge of tears.
Had he lost Akaashi?

Akaashi had been surprisingly quiet in class, as both his classmates and his teachers realised.
He spent the whole lesson fixated on an indefinable point in front of him, his expression more disinterested than ever.

He wanted to get this stuff over with. He had made this decision two nights before.
And no one could change it.

He hardly talked during training either, but his vision was finally clear and distinct, no incidents.

As they tidied up the hall, he turned to Konoha.
He turned to him in surprise.
„Yes?“
„When you jump, try to really push off properly, then you could jump even higher.“

He looked at the setter in amazement. „Er… okay, I’ll do it… thanks.“
Akaashi pulled the corners of his mouth up a little, then walked over to Komi.
„If you keep practising your assumptions, you’ll become world champion one day.“

The libero laughed. „Is that a compliment?“
Akaashi nodded without making a face.
„Thank you,“ said Komi.

He did the same with everyone, but avoided Bokuto as usual.

This time, Akaashi was the first to finish, while the others weren’t even close to changing.

With a shaky sigh, he left the club room.
„See you Monday, Akaashi,“ called Sarukui.
Akaashi stopped in the doorway and turned to face them.
„Yes. Bye.“ He somehow made himself pull up the corners of his mouth to make it look like a smile, but whether they bought it was another question that no longer interested him.

When he got home, he sat down at the dining table with Miyashita and Kuroda, Akio had just come out of his room as well.

His mother and stepfather were talking about something that had happened in the neighbourhood, something funny.
Akio also contributed and the two of them laughed, while Akaashi stifled his tears as he watched.

He knew that his decision would hurt them all.

Akaashi went straight to his room when he had finished eating.

He immediately closed his door behind him, tears streaming down his face.

He buried his face in his hands as he slid against the door onto the floor.

It’s wrong.
It’s so bloody wrong.
But what are the alternatives?

He looked around his room in despair.
Akaashi stood up, discovered some paper in one of his drawers and took a pen from his pen holder.

He stared at the blank page for a few minutes, a few tears falling from his eyes onto the paper.
Then he started writing, the words blurring before his eyes.



It was the first night in a long time that he had been able to sleep halfway.

He had set his alarm clock extra early, it read six o’clock, so he had plenty of time.

Akaashi got dressed, took the envelopes and set off.

Ten minutes later, he arrived back home, sneaked into his mother’s bedroom and placed the last letter next to her bed.
He knelt down next to her and watched as she breathed calmly.
„I am sorry. I love you,“ he whispered, then slipped out of the room.

He made one last stop at Akio’s room.
He also sat down in front of his small bed, stroking his cheek as he fought back the tears.

His little brother opened his eyes. „Keiji?“

Akaashi tried to smile. „Hey.“

„Did something happen?“

His brother shook his head hastily and wiped the tears from his eyes. „I just wanted to tell you that you’re the best little brother imaginable.“

Akio smiled. „And you’re the best big brother.“

Akaashi smiled – this time it was a REAL smile. „I love you.“ He kissed him on the forehead, then went to leave his room.
„I love you too,“ Akio said as he drifted off to sleep again.

He looked at his little brother for a few seconds, then closed the door behind him.

It was too late to back out.

„Now get up for once!“ Maita knocked on her son’s door.
„Yay…in a minute…“ Bokuto tossed and turned in bed, groping sleepily for his mobile phone on the bedside table, only to see that there were no new messages on it and it was already a quarter to ten.

Another ten minutes later, he finally came out of his room and went down to the dining room to have some breakfast.

At the same moment, his mum came in with the post.
She stared at an envelope for a while, then held it out to her son. „It’s for you.“

„For me?“ Bokuto asked in surprise and opened the letter.
While he was still reading the first few lines, he jumped up and ran off.

Hey, Bo…

I know I’m a complicated person. I know you won’t understand my decision.
But still, I hope you move on with your life.
I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened, because you’re the one who always knew when something was wrong with me. You always wanted to help me, to be there for me. You always wanted to see me happy and I made it unnecessarily difficult for you. That’s why you’re absolutely not to blame, even if you think you are now.
I love you and I know that you didn’t mean what you said. That wasn’t the reason why I ignored you.
I decided exactly two days ago that it couldn’t go on like this. I didn’t want to sink into nightmares anymore, I didn’t want to be this burden for you all.
My wish was always to lead a normal life. To be happy. To have a family that loves you.
I have no idea how things will go for you, I’m not omniscient. But my last wish is that you all don’t hang around after me for too long. My life has been destroyed and I don’t want to destroy yours too. I know I’m asking a lot, but Bo, I know you can manage without me.
I’ve loved you from day 1 and I’m so damn sorry.

I love you, Bo. You’re the best, and I thank you for every second I got to spend with you.
Keiji.

Bokuto ran and ran, his eyes getting wetter and wetter.

He turned into the street where Akaashi lived and was preparing to ring the doorbell when he saw Akaashi’s stepfather enter the house.

„Wait! Is-„
Kuroda turned to him – his face streaked with tears.

Bokuto put his hand over his mouth. „No…“

Tears flowed from Kuroda’s eyes and he nodded.

Bokuto sank to the ground. It started to rain, but he didn’t care. His tears poured out of him like waterfalls, and he didn’t care who would see him squatting on the pavement, sobbing loudly and perhaps thinking he was some kind of madman.

But Bokuto felt as if his heart had shattered into an infinite number of pieces.

Keiji Akaashi.

The little first-grader he had saved from bullies.
The boy he loved.

He was dead.