The Mess We Made

Can't Stand The Quiet

It was quiet. Not dead silent, Reina and Veronica were in a public place surrounded by people. But it was quiet between the two of them. It wasn't a tense silence, but Reina hadn't said a word to Veronica and it didn't go unnoticed. Reina always talked. If she was mad she'd say so. If she was bored, or tired she'd let people know. Sometimes she dramatically stopped talking during a fight, showing she had nothing to say against a ridiculous claim, but it would be a short lived silent treatment. Reina always filled the lulls in conversation with her own chatter. Now that it was missing, the quiet was palpable.

They were eating lunch together between classes. It was something they usually did at least once a week, but sometimes it ended up being every other day. They would choose different spots on campus to keep the excitement alive. This time the two of them sat at a table in the middle of the student center. The student center was the main hub of student activity. Crowds of people came in and out between classes, going to the food stands, meeting up with study groups. It always had a steady hum of noise. Veronica could hear all of it with the lack of conversation at her own table. Her gaze flitted to the people around them, watching all the different strangers with different lives.

Veronica didn't mean to be nosy, but people watching always interested her. Some people didn't even try to make their conversations private. One gaggle of sorority girls passing by shared gossip from some frat party last night, a pair of guys at the table next to them were talking about how their thesis project was kicking their ass. One girl was sitting by herself, one hand on her laptop typing, the other digging in a bag of fries. There was a tablet propped up beside her that she pivoted to so she could swipe up the screen every now and then. Another guy was using straws as chopsticks to pick through a bag of hot cheetos.

A couple passed by in front of Veronica, two girls who looked exactly alike in the stereotypical gay way. One of them had their arms slung over the other dropping her entire body weight, while the other girl was dragging both of them forward. They both had cheesy grins on their face. Veronica wrinkled her nose. The interaction gave off high school relationship vibes, that kind of puppy love where you can't keep your hands off of each other even if it means being a nuisance in public. Veronica would rather die than ever be like that, but she still couldn't help but think to glance at Reina.

Reina didn't notice the couple. She was heads down, engrossed in picking apart her sandwich. She didn't look at Veronica once. Part of Veronica wanted to ask Reina if something was wrong, part of her knew that was something they never did. They didn't talk about feelings, they only ever dealt with the ramifications of them. If either of them were in a bad mood, they didn't acknowledge it, they only did whatever it took to make the other feel better. Their friendship was founded on distracting the other from the pain, not talking about it.

Besides, Veronica was worried that the problem was her. If anything, she was the one who should still be mad at Reina, except Veronica knew she didn't have any right to be mad. She was ready to let another one of their little spats slide off but Veronica didn't want to bring it up if Reina was actually trying not to fume at her. So Veronica sat in the silence, trying to be comfortable in it. It felt awkward, but Veronica also felt like she was the only one felt that way. Reina didn't seem to act like anything was off.

Reina moved to wrap up the remains of her sandwich in the foil, and scooted her chair as she stood up. The grating sound against the linoleum ground made Veronica wince.

"Are you ready to go? I have class soon."

They were the first words Reina said to her in thirty minutes. Veronica nodded as she stood up to follow Reina. She was done for the day, so she could walk Reina to class like they usually did when one person had class but the other didn't. Except she wasn't sure if that was still okay. She didn't think Reina would mind, but Veronica didn't want to stay in this wordless impasse. She was tired of tiptoeing around Reina, scared the floor might fall apart under them with one wrong step.

"I think I'm going to go back home."

Reina stilled, then nodded. "Okay, see you later then, maybe."

Veronica gave an awkward nod back and Reina stalked away without another word, leaving Veronica alone in the middle of the student center dining room. Veronica rarely had an issue with feeling lonely, she was secure enough in herself to not mind being alone. But as she stood still in the middle of the bustling cafeteria, she felt Reina's absence, and it left her cold.

+++

Veronica didn't want to walk her to class.

Reina had been trying so hard to keep their routine despite the obvious tension between them since their last fight, and here was Veronica going off to break routine anyway. She didn't walk Reina to class. She just stayed behind as Reina had to leave. Reina knew Veronica's schedule, she knew she was done for the day, so she knew that Veronica not walking her to class was a dismissal. Reina tried not to let that get to her. Her and Veronica always had petty fights, and sometimes it would take longer for one of them to cool down. If Veronica wanted space then Reina would give it to her, but she already felt like she was holding back enough. They barely talked at lunch today, Reina had decided to let Veronica lead since she was the one who got mad last time, for reasons Reina still didn't understand. Reina was getting the feeling that maybe Veronica didn't want to eat lunch with her in the first place. But one thing about them, something Reina relied on so heavily, was the fact they kept their consistent routine no matter what. They were the type of friends who passively aggressively talked their aggressions out until it no longer mattered, not the type to ice out the other.

Reina by principle didn't like to do nothing. Quiet nothingness left a sinking hole in her gut that pushed her to the edge of having an existential crisis. So, she made sure to fill her days with noise. When she was a teenager noise meant wild escapes and adrenaline pumping thrills, but the older she got the more she just needed someone. Sometimes it was enough to have Veronica and Reina share the creaky net hammock in Reina's backyard back home, one of Veronica's legs hanging out to rock the both of them, a smuggled bottle of cheap, terrible tasting vodka passed between them. Doing absolutely nothing yet being fulfilled by it because at least they were doing nothing with each other. Everything changed if Veronica was around.

This lunch was different. The silence wasn't comfortable. Reina would usually spout meaningless chatter to comfort herself, but she didn't want Veronica to think she was smoothing over Veronica being upset. Reina wanted to be a bigger person and tried to let Veronica start the conversations, even if it was only to throw some sly, petty shade. But Veronica didn't say anything and the longer they just sat there the harder it was for Reina to pretend everything was normal. So they sat there in silence, two people having lunch near each other by not with each other. Then Veronica let her go.

That was something that didn't happen before, and Reina wanted to believe that it didn't mean anything, that it wasn't a sign for future problems festering. She wanted to believe Veronica just needed some extra time to cool off, maybe there were hidden deeper problems she had to work through for another minute. Then after things would go back to normal.