The Mess We Made

Enough

Ashley and Veronica got closer and closer as the days went by and they spent more time together. The two of them had conversations that Veronica couldn't have with anyone else. Not just conversations about feelings, specifically how she felt about Reina, but Ashley liked to talk about her goals in life, her dreams after college. She liked to talk about what she learned in her classes that day and about this news article she read in her daily e-newsletters. They were all meaningless conversations but at the same time they did all mean something. They were all parts of Ashley that she shared with Veronica. It's been so long since Veronica had to learn someone.

They were laying in Ashley's bed together again. Veronica traced the tattoos on Ashley's thighs. Ashley usually wore pants or long dresses, even in bed, so Veronica rarely got to see them. Her left leg had a ying and yang koi fish pattern taking up the entire inside of her thigh, while the right thigh had a smaller outline of two pinkies linked together in a promise on the front. The two of them still hadn't gone any further than the occasional lazy kissing, but Ashley let Veronica's fingers run up and down her legs.

"Can I just say...I'm honestly surprised you haven't tried to convince me to hook up with you again. Or that you haven't just ditched me."

Veronica snorted, "You thought I was an awful person huh."

"No, I thought you were a womanizer."

"I am," Veronica said with a laugh. "but you said you didn't want to hook up."

"I know. I still don't, I'm just surprised."

"I'm not that much of a heartless heartbreaker you know."

Ashley's voice got quieter, "yeah, you're the heartbroken one aren't you?"

Veronica didn't like that characterization, didn't like the soft, sympathetic tone Ashley used. Ashley always did that, showed Veronica in a different light. She always peeled back the layers Veronica tried to use to protect herself.

"I'm fine the way things are now," Veronica answered, neither could tell if she was talking about her situation with Ashley, Reina, or both. But Veronica wanted to give Ashley an out, a chance to speak up if she didn't actually like the blurred line between friends and something more. Veronica knew all too well how painful straddling that line could get. "If this is fine with you, it's enough for me."

"You're enough for me too."

Ashley's response knocked the breath out of Veronica. That was something no one ever told her before. Actually, Veronica was used to hearing she was not enough. Ever since she was a kid, her parents would tell her that doing her best wasn't enough. She had to be the best. The best in school. The best out of all their friends' kids. When Veronica gathered the courage to come out to her family, because the pain of holding it in was greater than the fear of telling the truth, Veronica knew by the look in her parents' eyes that she would never be enough for them again.

Even with Reina, while Veronica knew Reina always wanted to be with her, Veronica couldn't help but feel like she wasn't enough. Because if she was, Reina would love her the way Veronica loved Reina.

Late night heart to hearts in bed had never been Veronica's thing. It amazed her that this was an actual thing people did in real life, not just scenes from a movie. It amazed her this was something she could do now.

Veronica seemed to have manifested Reina because suddenly her phone rang again, Reina's name flashing on the screen. Veronica frowned but answered it, moving her hand away from Ashley.

"Vero,"

One word and Veronica knew this was different from that first time Reina called her when Veronica was with Ashley. She could hear the shake in Reina's voice, her words hollow, emotionless.

"Where are you?" Veronica asked with growing urgency.

"Apartment. Rooftop."

Veronica's body turned on autopilot. She got up immediately, untangling herself from the sheets, heading to the door, waving a hand at poor Ashley who looked confused and concerned.

"It's an emergency, I have to go."

"What happened?"

Veronica didn't answer because she didn't know. She just knew Reina needed her and Veronica was always going to be there for her.

Reina was standing behind the ledge of the rooftop of their apartment, wind whipping her hair across her face, long locks flapping like a flag. She was in a tank top and sweats, not dressed for the chill. Veronica stood for a moment, staring at Reina's silhouette backlit by the night lights. They were high up enough to see the highway, see the blinking red and orange lights travel through the veins of the city.

When Reina turned to face Veronica, her cheeks were flushed from the wind chill. Veronica moved to stand next to Reina, not saying anything at first. Sometimes the company was enough. Reina would talk when she was ready.

Reina turned into Veronica's chest and Veronica wrapped her arms around Reina. Her skin was ice. Veronica tried to rub the goosebumps away.

"My brother told me not to come home for Christmas break."

Veronica's arm froze, her fingers tightening against Reina's forearm. She waited for Reina to go on.

"He said we can't afford the flight home. I said I could take a bus back or something, I don't mind the long drive, then he said we can't afford the whole gifts and Christmas thing. I said I don't fucking care about any of that, so he finally admitted mom's sick. She's sick and my brother can't take care of us both and neither of them wanted to take the chance of me asking to stay at home to help out. They're so obsessed with me graduating college like it's their only saving grace. Like a stupid piece of paper is going to change everything for us, like it's going to bring dad back, like it's gonna make us automatically rich. I'm so mad my brother was willing to play mental gymnastics to try and keep me away."

Veronica couldn't breathe. Reina didn't look at her, wasn't shaking from emotions or the cold, but Veronica knew from her rambling how much Reina was hurting right now.

"It's so stupid, considering I wouldn't even have that great a time back home, you know I never do. I actually kinda hate the feeling I get walking down those hallways again, in that town again. I don't want to go home, but it's just something you're supposed to do. College kids go back home during break to see their family, spend the holidays together, and my family doesn't even want me. I would rather have a shitty holiday with them than be alone. Now I'm not going to do anything for Christmas or New Year's."

"You know," Veronica started, "I never go home for the holidays."

Veronica's relationship with her family had always been worse than Reina's. While Reina's family tensions were often due to external circumstances, Veronica's family looked at the girl who did everything to please them, and cut her off anyway. Just because Veronica refused to hide who she was anymore. Her parents still paid her tuition and other bills, if only to save face in front of everyone they knew, and Veronica showed up to important family events to play the part of the good daughter, but other than that they stayed away from each other.

"We can spend the holidays together, do all the fun winter things, hot chocolate, ice skating, exchange gifts under the Christmas lights at the park, watch fireworks and pop champagne at midnight, we can do everything."

Reina finally turned to look up at Veronica, her brown eyes wide. Her hands gripped the front of Veronica's sweater.

"Promise?"

Veronica squeezed Reina's hands over her chest and nodded, repeating the promise back. It'd be an easy promise to keep, because Veronica was always lonely during the holidays too. She usually hopped from bed to bed of strangers who were also left behind. Having Reina with her would be the best gift she could ask for.

It'd be just the two of them, that was all they needed. It had to be enough.