The Mess We Made

The Aftermath

Waking up next to Ashley instead of Reina had the shock of freezing water thrown on her. Their heads were next to each other, Ashley's forehead pressed against the back of Veronica's. The pillow underneath her cheek was damp, and Veronica's face burned when she realized she must have cried more in her sleep last night.

Veronica felt the rise and fall of Ashley's chest behind her. Ashley's breath tickled the back of her neck, and their breathing was the only sound in the room. Veronica couldn't remember the last time she platonically slept with someone, couldn't remember the last time she platonically slept next to Reina. The name still sent a pang through Veronica's heart. She wondered if Reina felt as bruised inside as she did.

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Reina wanted to set her (just hers now) bedroom on fire and watch as everything around her burned. Dramatic, yes, but she always was. She kept playing back the horror movie of her life on repeat. Looking at it now from an outsider's perspective, she could see how horribly she treated Veronica in the past year, maybe longer. Deep down, a part of her always knew. Veronica was right. She convinced herself to be willfully ignorant, to believe that Veronica understood Reina, and that she wouldn't get hurt. Looking at things from Veronica's perspective hurt worse. Reina had become so desperate to keep Veronica around for comfort, she didn't realize she had nailed Veronica down to a cross.

It wasn't until Reina was alone, lying on the floor that she realized the extent of her toxic manipulation. She took everything that Veronica had given her and blew it up. They had both been casualties in the accident, leaving Reina maimed.

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The first week was an awkward adjustment. Veronica didn't notice how codependent her and Reina actually were until they were separated. Even on their worst fights before, Veronica had never felt Reina's absence. She didn't know who she was without Reina. In all the small ways that she never realized, all the habits that Ashley flagged accumulated through decades of friendship, they were the building blocks to who Veronica was as a person, they were the road map to how Veronica lived her day to day. Reina was ingrained in every part of her. Now it was all gone in a puff of smoke.

Now Veronica didn't know where to go for lunch. Now her phone felt useless without the scheduled vibration from Reina's messages. Now she had to bite her tongue whenever something triggered an inside joke with no one to tell to.

Veronica fit awkwardly in Ashley's life. They both showered at night so they had to time it right. Reina had always been a morning shower person. Ashley's fridge was full of healthy ingredients and Veronica didn't know if she had the right to add her microwaveable frozen dinners and junk food. Ashley didn't like greasy fast food for breakfast.

"Are you going home for break?" Ashley asked.

Veronica froze. Ashley didn't know. "I...I don't usually go home."

Ashley raised her eyebrows, "You don't go home for the holidays?"

Veronica shook her head and Ashley didn't pry like the good person she was.

"You're free to stay here then. I'm leaving next week though, and I won't be back until the semester starts back up."

Veronica nodded, that was fine. She was usually alone during semester breaks since Reina went home too.

A realization hit her that made her gently cover her mouth.

Reina wasn't going home this year.

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Reina thought she had used her yearly supply of tears, but when she remembered that she wasn't going home this year she had burst into sobs all over again. The promise Veronica made to celebrate the holidays together felt so far away. Reina's knee jerk reaction was to reach out to Veronica to remind her of what she said, but Reina wasn't naïve enough to think that could be what pulled Veronica back. She also didn't want Veronica's pity.

She thought about begging her brother to let her go back home, but she had already asked him for money for a new phone after her tantrum left her phoneless. It had been humbling to walk back near Ashley's apartment that next day to look for the smashed pieces so she could get her SIM card. Now Reina had no funds to get home, and she didn't want to go through the mental gymnastics of trying to avoid talking about Veronica. God, her dad would be just as heartbroken to hear about their fallout. This was something Reina had to keep to herself in her own little exile.

Reina also wondered if she could convince Baltimore to stay, but she didn't want to keep him from his family. Part of her was scared of rejection, of him carefully telling her he had to go home for the holidays, and another part of her didn't even want to see him right now. Reina actually wanted to be in her head for a bit, figure things out.

So she laid alone in her bed, sometimes turning to look at the empty bed across from her. It was always hard to fall asleep.

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Falling asleep next to Ashley should have been easy since Veronica had done it before, but something about the routine expectation of it knotted Veronica's stomach. The fact it wasn't accidental or uncommon threw her off, made her aware of Ashley's habits and how foreign they were to Veronica.

Veronica couldn't help but compare how sleeping next to Ashley was different than sleeping with Reina. Reina was small enough to curl into Veronica while Veronica was the big spoon. Reina ran hot, her warm skin always lulled Veronica into a comfy sleep. Ashley and Veronica didn't slot together like puzzle pieces, sometimes Ashley didn't even sleep pressed against her, opting to sleep facing the other way on the opposite side of the bed, not touching despite the mattress not being that big.

She was grateful Ashley was with her, grateful she wasn't alone, but some nights, it was hard to fall asleep.

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Reina felt like laughing at the realization she was barely a whole person.

She couldn't cook, didn't even know where Veronica got their groceries. She didn't have a car, didn't have a job, didn't have a hobby. She hated cleaning, didn't know how to use the dishwasher. She was really dependent on Veronica and she didn't even know.

It went beyond physical dependency too. Reina depended on Veronica to make the mess in her head silent, to help her mind become the calming, numb, blank space. She relied on Veronica to help to unravel the twists in her stomach, to flood her system with dopamine. Reina always knew she needed Veronica in her life, but it wasn't until Veronica's absence that she realized Reina actually couldn't function without her. Veronica held back the storm, and now everything crashed around her.

It left Reina in near hysterics, realizing she didn't know how to be alone.