The Mess We Made

Knocking On Her Door

Veronica should have been ashamed, showing up to Ashley's apartment disheveled, bruises on her neck fresh on her skin. It was obvious what she'd been up to. Coming here was wrong, but Veronica couldn't stand staying at her apartment, risking the chance of seeing Reina again, trying to pretend like Reina didn't rip her apart. And if she wasn't going to be with Reina, Veronica wanted to be with Ashley.

Ashley's disappointed gaze made Veronica bristle, neither of them had any words as Ashley opened the door wider and walked back into her apartment, Veronica trailing behind her like a lost puppy. The drop from taking cocaine earlier was making Veronica feel even worse. Every muscle in her body was drained. She felt cold inside her bones.

"Do you wanna shower? I can lend you some fresh clothes."

"Yes, please." Veronica hadn't bothered to shower before coming over, was sticky with various dried fluids on her.

Veronica had the water scorching as she stood under the stream, letting it burn her skin, trying to melt the chill inside her. She wanted to wash everything she was feeling down the drain. Veronica didn't have a name for how she felt, she just knew was getting tired of carrying it all.

There was a towel, a big t-shirt, and a pair of sweatpants set on the sink when Veronica finished her shower. They all smelled like Ashley.

Veronica felt warmer after she got dressed. When she opened the door a cloud of steam left with her. She plopped face down straight onto Ashley's bed and tried to release all the tension she held with a big sigh. The bed sunk in when Ashley sat down next to her.

"I have to ask, were you with Reina or some random girl?"

"Does it matter?" Veronica mumbled into the mattress. She didn't have the energy to talk. But it didn't matter, Ashley was going to drag it out of her.

"One is a lot more unhealthy and fucked up compared to the other."

Veronica turned her head to the side, away from Ashley's piercing gaze. "If I was with a random girl I'd still be with her. I wouldn't be here." Was that also wrong to say? Veronica knew how casually cruel she could be. Usually she tried to tamper it down for Ashley, but she wasn't in the right head space. "It doesn't matter. I know what I got myself into, it's fine."

There's a scoff behind her. Ashley saw right through her. "Yeah you look completely fine," Ashley's sarcasm stung. "You're fine with just letting her use you as a sex toy."

"I'm not a sex toy, I'm her best friend."

Ashley's voice was full of spite, "You want to be more than that."

"I don't," and it was the truth. Veronica hated these feelings inside her making everything complicated. She wished she never felt them. She wished the past months never happened.

"I want to be her best friend."

"But are you? When was the last time the two of you hung out by yourselves without it just being sex? Why don't you stop? Why don't you just go back to before you started fucking?"

Veronica didn't want to admit that she'd rather have half of Reina like this than not at all. How could she tell Ashley that she wanted Reina's touch even if it burned? She couldn't say that, so she gave the next best answer.

"If I try to bring up a reason to stop Reina's gonna start a fight, and I just don't have the energy to fight over that."

"That sounds like a shit excuse. You've never even tried to bring up stopping have you?"

Veronica couldn't have this argument right now. "I'm tired of you acting like my therapist!"

Ashley was actually losing her patience for once. Her normally chill, soothing demeanor cracked, and her voice raised slightly, "Then why are you here? Why do you always come here? Do you think I want to see you right after you fucked someone?"

They were all valid questions. Veronica was well aware how fucked up it was dragging Ashley into the hurricane of her life. Knocking on her door all the time, expecting Ashley to welcome her with open arms. It was a parasitic relationship.

Resigned, she whispered into the empty air in front of her, "I don't have anyone else."

Veronica decided she wanted to roll over and face Ashley. "I wish it was you," the words tumble out. Veronica looked Ashley in the eyes, "If I could fall in love with you I would."

Ashley was good. She was so good. Maybe in another life they could be together without any of Veronica's baggage.

The look on Ashley's face was pained. "Don't tell me that. You're fucked up, you're so fucked up." Her eyes were glossy with tears. It hurt Veronica's heart to see.

"Don't cry," she reached out to swipe the tears from the corner of her eyes. "Don't cry, I'm not worth your tears."

"I hate you sometimes."

"Thank god, you'd have to be equally fucked up in the head to not hate me. I'm a bad person, Ashley. I'm selfish. I'm a mess."

If Ashley decided to wash her hands clean of Veronica, she would understand. Ashley deserved better. Veronica wasn't supposed to have someone this good in her life. Like attracts like, that's why her and Reina were pulled together. Sometimes Veronica thinks she isn't able to accept anything but someone's worst from them.

Veronica closed her eyes, "Kick me out. Tell me to leave. Tell me to never come back."

Ashley sniffled, "Fuck you, I'm not dealing with your self-destructive bullshit. You don't get to come here to sabotage this relationship and make it sound like it's for me."

But Ashley said it herself, all Veronica knew was self sabotage. That's why the next words out of her mouth were, "We're not in a relationship."

Ashley actually laughed, but it was mirthless. "The word relationship means more than just the regular romantic relationship. We're friends, I like you, I care about you."

Veronica couldn't hold back the self-loathing, "You really shouldn't."

"But I do. I think you know by now we can't help our feelings."

Ashley was starting to soften back up, and Veronica didn't want that. She didn't know what to do with pity and sympathy. She opened her mouth to keep trying to convince Ashley to drop her, but Ashley laid down and shoved Veronica's face against her chest.

"I'm going to talk, and you're going to shut up and listen."

Veronica tried to protest but it was muffled against Ashley's shirt.

"I don't think love should hurt like this," Ashley started. "I keep telling you to think about if you actually love Reina, or maybe you just think you deserve her? Two broken people who've been next to each other their entire lives, it feels natural to stay together. Because you have history. Because she'll never judge you for the shit you do. But is that really love? How many times do I have to say loyalty isn't love? You wanting to stay by her side because that's where you've been for over a decade isn't love."

Ashley took a deep breath, "You need to remove yourself from this mess, Vee. You guys need some time apart. At least for a bit, you know? So you can figure out your feelings, figure out who you are without Reina influencing you."

Veronica finally pulled out of Ashley's grip. She knew she wasn't supposed to talk, but she answered anyway, "I don't have anywhere else to go."

Ashley pinched her cheek lightly, "Move in with me."

Veronica sucked in a breath. That was a momentous ask. She knew Ashley meant to move in together platonically, just to give Veronica a place to getaway. But it held so much weight. Even if was just for a few days, it meant something. Veronica knew it, Ashley knew it, Reina would know it. There would be no coming back from this if she decided to take a step down this path.

"I'll think about it," Veronica mumbled.

She turned away from Ashley again, ready to try and go to bed. Ashley turned the opposite way. They didn't go to bed cuddling like they usually did. Veronica knew she deserved that, understood Ashley could only deal with so much of her bullshit. In the end, Veronica was just grateful she was allowed to stay.