The Mess We Made

A Battle in a War

Veronica's conversation with Ashley made her more alert to how her and Reina interacted, especially lately. She paid more attention to how Reina treated her. Veronica couldn't shake the sense that Reina was manipulating her. It was whiplash, having Reina be sweet to her, sweeter than she'd ever been when they were normal friends, then Reina breaks away to put some space between them, emphasizing her relationship with Baltimore, then as if she could sense that Veronica was also drifting away, she yanked the tie between them pulling them close again, reminding Veronica she was on a leash.

Veronica started to see the toxicity Ashley talked about, and every time she got frustrated with Reina the more she started to question if she really was in love with her. But then it would just take a couple of hours of radio silence for Veronica to calm down, and when she calmed down she missed Reina. Then Reina would reappear with some peace offering that showed how well she knew Veronica, and Veronica would feel those stupid butterflies when Reina gave her a tentative smile, and suddenly Veronica was thinking maybe it was just hard to be in love.

She just wished Reina would stop shooting off mixed signals, stop pushing and pulling Veronica as she pleased. Veronica wished Reina would lay out her feelings exactly so they could be on the same page, so Veronica could nurse a broken heart and move on. But Veronica knew the main issue was Reina didn't even know her own feelings, and when faced with vulnerability her reaction was a guillotine. She didn't know how to address the growing problems without tearing everything apart, without revealing her own personal stake in the game.

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Things with Veronica kept shifting and it raised Reina's anxiety every time. The fighting never stopped, tension kept boiling for reasons Reina didn't understand. The more Reina tried to force things back to normal, play all the cards she knew about Veronica, the more things blew up out of her control. It made Reina scramble to keep everything from falling apart, while she simultaneously couldn't help but ruin it all.

"Stop pushing me, you keep pressuring me! If I don't wanna deal with it then I won't! I'm sorry you want me to have a sexuality crisis so bad but that's not my problem!"

Knowing that the words they threw at each other were carefully cultivated weapons should've made it hurt less, but the reminder that these words were only said in the heat of the moment didn't blunt them. All Reina could do was acknowledge that her and Veronica had the same defensive mechanism to bring the spikes out to push people back to protect themselves. All Reina could do was watch them fight and think, well, it's working.

Veronica bounced every barb back at Reina, "Have you ever stopped to think that I'm not even doing this for me? Maybe I'm just concerned about all this internalized homophobia you're holding inside. Your ignorant act is pissing me off."

Reina couldn't even remember how this argument started this time, who started it, what set them off. She wished that the two of them were the type who screamed their deepest truths when fighting, but they only yelled defensive words and accusations.

"Ignorant act? You think I'm playing dumb? I know our situation is weird, but I don't know what kind of soul searching you want me to do to figure out whatever epiphany you think I need to have. You know what I do know? I have a boyfriend, I have a family that's falling apart, and I have a best friend that keeps yelling at me to add more problems to my plate."

A scoff. Veronica shook her head and muttered, "You're not listening to me, you're not getting it."

Reina opened her mouth to retort back that no, she didn't get it, but before she could Veronica stormed out of the apartment, the resounding sound of the door slamming acting as the punctuation mark in this argument.

That's how it always ended. Someone stormed away. Someone was left to fume. Reina was often left feeling confused more and more.

They somehow found themselves in a toxic cycle of fighting, ignoring their problems, coming back together to pretend that everything was okay, then fighting again when one of them inevitably rubbed salt in their festering wounds. No apologies, no solving the root problems, no resolutions. They moved on but kept the weights dragging behind them.

But each time they came back together Reina could feel the distance between them, each crack crumbling wider and wider. It honestly scared her. It made her desperate. The foundation of their whole relationship was falling apart, losing that would be losing the ground Reina stood on. She couldn't lose this.

It was becoming increasingly obvious that their old ways wouldn't cut it anymore, things had changed too much and Reina didn't know what to do, didn't know how to fix this. Reina only knew how to fight, not heal, and Veronica didn't make it any easier.

It was late at night when Reina heard the door open. Reina squeezed her eyes tight, pretending to be asleep while she heard Veronica carefully shuffle around the room, softly grumbling as she got ready for bed.

The fact Veronica was back was a good sign. She had been staying with Ashley a lot more recently, especially after a fight between them. Maybe she had cooled off after a couple of hours, or maybe Ashley was busy and Veronica had to sleep here tonight. Whatever the reason, Reina didn't want to ruin the peace, so she let Veronica think she was doing a good job not waking up Reina. When she heard the creak of Veronica's bed signal that Veronica was ready to sleep, Reina turned over to face Veronica.

She made the mistake of opening her eyes to check if Veronica was out. Tired, brown eyes were staring at her. Reina's heartbeat quickened. Veronica let out a wry huff.

"Goodnight trouble."

Reina mumbled a goodnight and turned back to face the other direction. She didn't deserve it, but the words felt like a peace offering, their latest truce of a battle in their ongoing war.