The Mess We Made

More Than A Friend

Soft sunlight shone into Veronica's eyes, waking her up. She blinked sleep from her eyes, and woke up facing the ceiling, seeing dust spores dance in the morning light. Her right arm was dead, and when she looked down she saw why. Reina was curled against her side, warm and naked, head lying on her arm. The sunlight from the window in front of them lit Reina up with a goddess glow. Sleeping Reina was the most innocent she ever looked. Veronica watched how at peace Reina was, felt the steady rise and fall of her chest from her deep breathing. The tingle in her arm got worst, started to actually hurt, so Veronica carefully maneuvered Reina off, trying not to wake her. Reina let out a soft, sleepy groan as she readjusted her position, snuggling closer to Veronica. Something in Veronica's stomach tightened.

It was too sweet a morning for what they did last night. Veronica tried to remember how they got here this time. They were drunk last night, and high. Not too far gone like they used to be before they decided to give into each other, but enough of a haze where Veronica can't remember actively reaching for Reina. They just fell together, and now here they were. If Veronica was a sinner she shouldn't be allowed to see heaven like this.

I want to wake up to this every day, Veronica thought, then immediately seized in panic. That was a treacherous thought. It literally made her heart beat faster. Veronica sat up, letting the blanket fall from her chest. Goosebumps erupted over the front of her body.

She needed to move. She needed to take a walk. She needed to shove those dangerous thoughts back down where they belonged, where she could ignore them. Veronica slipped out of bed, scrambling for some clothes. The floor was a mess. She couldn't tell which clothes were hers or Reina's. She eyed a giant, comfy sweatshirt on the edge of the bed, but she wasn't entirely sure if that was Reina's or something Reina stole from Baltimore. The thought of accidentally wearing Baltimore's sweatshirt made Veronica want to throw up. They shared enough things.

Veronica found her own sweatpants and hoodie, and left the room. She didn't usually leave Reina before she woke up, but Veronica started to feel too tight in her own body, and she knew she had to get out. She made a plan to jog to the donut shop close by. A good opportunity to clear her head, get breakfast for her and Reina, and lose the calories she'd get back after she scarfed down some chocolate donuts and pigs in a blanket.

It was early in the morning, so Veronica had the sidewalk to herself. Cars passed by every now and then, but other than that it was just her and singing birds and the rustle of autumn leaves. The fresh air helped unravel the knot in Veronica's chest. The burn in her lungs and legs as she ran distracted her from her own mind.

It was getting harder and harder to push down her thoughts lately. She didn't want to give it a name, didn't want to open Pandora's box. But Veronica was self-aware enough to know that the growing tangle of complicated feelings was starting to suffocate her. Veronica was literally trying to outrun her problems right then, but they were faster and insistent.

Veronica couldn't shake the feelings off the whole run to the donut shop. When she ordered their food, she made sure the worker got the big sprinkle chocolate donuts for Reina, her favorite. She always did little things like that for Reina, always took note of the little details, but now the habit was glaring and it made the tightness in her stomach reappear.

Veronica argued silently with herself the whole way back. She still danced around the problem at hand, never naming it what it was, but offered counterpoints to explain away what she was feeling. There had to be a rational, platonic, explanation for her reactions to Reina lately. Hormones maybe, Veronica was a healthy twenty-two year old. Hormones could be a good reason. Hormones didn't mean anything, hormones didn't have to dictate the future of her life.

Veronica didn't know how long the whole trip took. When she unlocked the front door Reina was in the kitchen. Their eyes locked. Reina was wearing Veronica's shirt, which wasn't a new development, so the flutter in her stomach in reaction to seeing Reina made Veronica want to scream. Pandora's box exploded open on its own. There was no denying it anymore. The realization hit Veronica so hard her knees buckled.

Oh fuck, she thought, she was actually in love with Reina.

+++

Reina woke up alone with the right side of the bed cold. She hated when Veronica left before she woke up.

The morning after the first time Reina and Veronica had sex sober, Reina didn't have a hangover, but she still felt sick. She had woken up alone, naked in her bed, Veronica nowhere in sight. Fear seized her heart. Did she fuck up and ruin their friendship? Every time they had hooked up before was a drunk mistake. They would wake up cottonmouthed, with pulsing headaches, limbs tangled together, and laugh at the position they were in. But that night, she didn't even know how they ended up falling into bed. Reina had complained she had a frustrating day, Veronica climbed into her bed to watch one of Reina's comfort movies together on her laptop, and then somehow they ended up not paying attention to the movie.

It was the first time they had sex sober, and the first morning after where Reina didn't wake up next to Veronica.

Veronica had ended up only leaving earlier to get them greasy breakfast food, and she was unphased at the fact they hadn't been drunk the night before. Reina had chalked it up to the fact that Veronica was used to casual, meaningless flings. Reina assumed that meant Veronica was okay with this, and then the pattern continued.

But if Reina could help it, she made sure Veronica didn't leave her in the morning before she woke up as if she was one of her cheap one night stands. She would always wrap her arms around her, lying on her body, making a cage impossible to escape with waking Reina up. If she woke up alone, it would start the day off on a sour note.

Reina laid in bed on her phone for another half hour before her stomach growled and she was forced to get out of bed to eat. She grumbled as she pulled on clothes and stepped into the kitchen. Veronica wasn't there either, so must have left to go who knows where. As Reina opened the fridge door, frowning at the empty insides, the lock turned.

Veronica was back, with two bags of donuts. It reminded Reina of their first time all over again. Maybe she should tell Veronica she didn't need to go get them breakfast if Reina was still asleep. Their eyes met and Veronica's eyes widened. Her face was flushed, and she looked guilty. Reina frowned.

"Good morning?" Reina said, the last syllable pitched in a questioning tone as she silently wondered why Veronica looked like she had been caught red handed for something.

Veronica swallowed, "Good morning!" she chirped. "I got us donuts."

"Did you fuck the cashier there or something?" Reina asked dryly, "Why do you look so sweaty?"

Veronica's grip on the bag tightened, "I went for a run. I ran all the way to the donut store and back."

The donut store was a mile away at least. "This early? Why would you do that?"

Veronica just shrugged as she dropped the bags on the counter and pulled out some donuts. "It just felt like a good morning for a run."

Reina was still suspicious, but she let it go in favor of eating a chocolate sprinkled donut.

"Thanks I guess."

Veronica just nodded back. She still looked choked up and it piqued Reina's curiosity. Something happened this morning, she knew it did. A voice in her head whispered what if it had something to do with her, with them hooking up last night, sober, again. What if Veronica is getting tired of it? What if she's starting to regret it? Reina drowned the thought out by striking up a conversation on how the two of them should celebrate after finals. She didn't need to entertain her intrusive thoughts. Veronica would tell Reina whatever she needed to know. If she was holding something back, it must not be any of Reina's business.

Veronica carried the conversation easy enough. She was stuffing her face to limit her time to talk, alternating between pigs in a blanket and chocolate donuts in a gross way that almost disgusted Reina. Things fell back into its normal morning groove, and Reina relaxed. Nothing had changed.