The perfect storm in a quiet room

Chapter 37

CASY

It's happening.

It's happening again.

I'm lying on this twin bed, naked, my body covered with white sheets, waiting for... for it to happen again.

I don't know what's happening to me anymore. I used to love the way his fingers caressed my white skin; the way his lips brushed mine and then gave me a kiss that I would remember for hours until I fell asleep thinking about him. I used to love the way he kissed my neck, my ear and nuzzled my skin with his tongue and then gave me a soft kiss on the most sensitive area of my chest. I loved everything about him, but now... those kisses are no longer sweet and full of love, now they're cruel and full of hate and spite. His caresses are no longer gentle, but rough and leave marks on my body. He no longer kisses my bosom tenderly, but... hurts me with his hands and... enjoys it.

He smiles at my every cry of pain, he gets excited with every plea I make for him to stop and let me free from his filthy clutches. He seeks me out, stalks me, and treats me as if I were a sex object... but he's not the only one to blame—I am responsible for this too.

I know I wouldn't be in this situation if I had been stronger a year ago and hadn't made a stupid mistake. I know I wouldn't be stuck in this terrible situation if when he forced me to do this, I would have refused and walked away from him forever. Yet here I am. Waiting for him to hurt me, as he does almost every night.

My eyes water and a tear slips down my cheek slowly to my neck.

No. No. No.

I can't cry now. He's going to come any minute and he can't see me like this. I can't show myself so vulnerable in front of him or he'll take advantage of the situation and hurt me even more than he already does. I know him so well that I know that seeing a girl in such a vulnerable state turns him on, and that's not a good thing.

I wipe my cheeks with the sheet and try to hold back the tears, but it's impossible. The pain this situation causes me is awful... and the worst thing is that this time it's my fault. I called him myself as soon as I left the hotel where Hannah's staying and asked him—more like begged him—to have sex with me. I told him I wanted him to fuck me all night until I couldn't feel my legs. I told him that for tonight I was going to obey his every command and I was going to let him... abuse me, maltreat me.

Gosh, I'm a moron. I can't believe I said that... it's unbelievable that I agreed to that. But that's what love does. Or rather, that's what you do when you want to deny that love.

As soon as I left Hannah's hotel room I started crying. Frustrated with the way I had reacted and what an idiot I had been. How could I have been so selfish and think only of my feelings? How could I have left her there alone and walked away after she had shown me something so intimate? I am a horrible person.

My mind was possessed by Hannah and my heart wouldn't stop beating. The feeling in my chest was so strong and I could no longer deny that that was... love and that scared me.

I love Hannah. That's the truth and, but I didn't and don't want to accept it. It's impossible for me to love a girl. I like boys, always have, always will. I can't be... I couldn't be... it's impossible.

At that moment I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't like girls and that I was 100% straight. So I had no better idea than to call Leo and tell him... all that. Of course, as soon as I ended the call I regretted it and let out a scream of fear and frustration. I didn't understand what I had just done. I didn't understand why I had been so stupid and agreed to be abused, smacked and mistreated by a guy just to prove that I'm not in love with Hannah. I have such low self-esteem that I'd rather have a guy rape me than accept I'm in love and confess to Hannah how I feel.