The perfect storm in a quiet room

Chapter 43

HANNAH

Pain... such a simple word, but so packed with meaning. I have come to learn that pain is the strongest emotion one can feel. Unlike every other emotion, it's the only one every human being is guaranteed to feel at some point in their life, and there's no upside to pain, no positive aspect that can make you look at it from a different perspective... there's only the overwhelming sensation of pain itself.

I'm not the author of this masterpiece, I wish I was, though. Tessa's the author of this... well, Anna Todd, but you know what I mean.

I've been reading and writing almost all weekend, saving the brakes to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom and cry... I know my story with Casy is nothing compared to the turbulent love story of Hardin and Tessa, but, somehow, there are some similarities. For example, that paragraph could easily describe my life right now, because the pain I felt when Casy stormed out of my room and rejected my feelings... was... awful, or, like Tessa says a few lines below, the ache has become nearly unbearable. That's what I feel right now and what I felt throughout the entire weekend—an unbearable ache in my chest.

I know I just met her less than a month ago and I realize people would think that being in love with someone you barely know and being heartbroken when you didn't even start a relationship with that someone is crazy. They would think that's impossible and maybe something that only happens in books or movies. And I know that because I thought that too... but that was before Casy entered my life.

I thought it was impossible to love someone so deeply, but here I am now. Crying as the girl I love stands far away from me. And that hurts. It pains me as Tessa describes it in After we fell.

And now? What am I supposed to do? What do I have to do? I just wish I had all the answers to my questions and knew the future for certain, but one can't have that. It's just an impossible desire, like the desire for love. Love may be a powerful and unique emotion for many people, but for me... is just a problem. And I don't want any more problems. I just want peace. I need peace... but that's another of my wishes that won't come true.

I change into my hideous school uniform, grab my backpack and head to school, skipping breakfast. I don't feel like eating and I feel like if I ate something, I would throw up.

I don't feel like going to school either. I don't want to see Casy, Leo, Dilara and Valentina. I just want to be alone with my books, a pen and a paper. That's it. That's all I need, but I can't have it. I have to go to school. I already missed classes on Friday and I don't want to be left behind.

When I arrive there I encounter some boys standing at the entrance, talking and laughing. I've never seen them before, but I bet they're older than me, given his strong bodies and the stubble that's starting to show on their faces. They're cute, but seem like the bad-boy type of guy that I have come to learn to avoid. Nothing good comes out of meeting those boys. Christina Evans knows it, Halsey Weigel knows it and Tessa Young knows it better than anyone.

I walk towards them to get inside the building, but when I'm close to them, one of them—the blond and tall one—says with a mocking tone something that I don't quite understand:

"Hey, be careful,"

I turn around to face those idiots and I see they're laughing as if they just told the funniest joke of all.

"Be careful with what?" I reply, scowling at the blondie, confused by what he just said.

"You know, just be careful. This school isn't very gay-friendly and... that may be an issue for you," he answers, getting closer to me, making me feel as if I were the smallest girl in the world.

"What are you talking about?" I ask. I really have no idea what he's talking about, but then, as the words leave my mouth... it hits me.

Oh no. No, she wouldn't... No, no, that's impossible. It's impossible, right? She wouldn't do that to me... would she? Oh no.

I stare at him as I connect the dots. He's smirking and I'm about to cry. Again. Would I ever have a peaceful day in my life?

"I think you know what I'm talking about, lez" he laughs and then gets inside the building with his gang.

I'm left alone, in front of the school, deciding whether to enter or not, as I try to understand what just happened.

This is just... it's just... I need to sit down.

I sit on the curb, resting my elbows on my knees, while wiping the tears rolling down my cheeks. I lost count of how many times I've shed tears since I've met Casy, but I bet they are a lot.

I look down at my feet, trying to wrap my head around what happened...

I confessed my love to her. I opened my fucking heart to her. I told her the most private and intimate thing I've ever told anyone and this is how she pays me...

She told everyone. I bet she did. She did the same thing when I showed her what I wrote. She barely cared for my writing and now... she doesn't even care about my feelings. Maybe she was right—I don't know her. I didn't know what she was capable of. I thought I did, but she proved me wrong.

What do I do now? My life keeps getting worse and... I'm paralyzed. I don't know what to think, what to feel... I'm clueless and I don't even feel like this is my life anymore. Now everything is so confusing, frustrating and... different that I feel as if someone else was controlling my whole life. Is that even possible?

I try to kick those thoughts at the back of my mind and think about school. Yeah, that's important. Should I get inside or not? I feel like shit right now and I'd prefer to skip classes and go back to the hotel and just lay on the bed, crying while eating ice-cream. You know, that's what people do in movies when they break up with someone. Although, this isn't a breakup, it's worse than that.

As I mull over whether to enter the school or not, I look up and my eyes meet hers. My heart starts pounding and I curse it for that. Why do I have to love her so much? Why do I have to feel this on my chest every time I see her?

As she makes eye contact with me, I can immediately sense the guilt behind her eyes. Her gaze tells me everything. She's feeling bad for what she's done, but that doesn't make anything better. She just showed me how she is and I couldn't be more disappointed. I thought I knew her. I thought I was the only person who could actually see her true self, but I was so wrong... so wrong. She lied to me. She pretended to be my friend or whatever and got closer to me so she could then throw me under the bus and get rid of me. That was her plan all along. How could I not see it?

She's standing in front of me now and, judging by her look, she knows I know. She's frowning and has watery eyes. Her lips are parted and it's clear that she's sad, she's deeply sad and she regrets what she's done, but that isn't going to work with me. I can't stand the way she treats me anymore. I can't stand this back-and-forth and I can't stand any more problems. Because she's just that—a fucking problem.

I get up from the curb, not breaking eye contact, trying not to cry and maintaining a serious and angry look that sums up the wrath I feel inside of me.

And like that I leave her there and walk into the building, deciding that's better if I don't face her just now. I have so much anger inside of me that once I've said a word, there would be no turning back.

I enter the classroom and Leo immediately catches my eye. He's staring at me intently, smirking. Oh... Does he know? That's why he's looking at me? Oh god! I despise him and Casy for telling him. Why? Why? Why did I have to confess my true feelings? Why do I have to be so naive? I'm stupid and I should've learnt not to trust Casy by now, but seems impossible. However, I won't take it. This is the last time that I will allow myself to think about her. That's it. I can't stand this anymore and I won't. From now on, Casy is just a distant memory that I intend to forget about... for good.