The perfect storm in a quiet room

Chapter 42

CASY

Monday. Fucking Monday.

I throw the bedsheets on the floor and leave my naked body uncovered. I rub my eyes and get out of bed, tired, since I just got four hours of sleep last night. I've been sleeping so badly lately that I can't even remember when was the last night I got eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I put on a robe and go to the bathroom, limping. I get in, close the door and when I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself. Literally, the girl I'm looking at is not me... This girl has pale, dry lips, dark circles under her eyes, colorless cheeks and... her eyes seem to have lost their shine—they are lifeless, just like me.

I comb my hair with a brush making soft movements, while I try to repress the tears that threaten to come out of my eyes. I haven't stopped crying for months. Every day I feel my eyes sore from the salty tears and my throat closing up from the anguish that invades my body. I feel my head ache and throb after shedding tears. Every day is a battle, a fucking battle I can never win.

The first tear slips down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. I leave the brush on a white piece of furniture next to the bathtub and take off my robe, letting it fall to the floor. The bruises on my body become visible and it only takes a few seconds for my crying to intensify and endless tears to fall from my eyes. I drop down to the floor, kneel, lean forward and cover my face with my hands, as the crying gets louder and the sound of my sobs fills every corner of the small bathroom.

The pain invades me, consumes me and destroys me. The pain he causes me is intense. The way he treats my body is inhuman and the way his eyes look at me with lust and evil scares me. His hands touching my body makes me want to throw up and the way his cock and his rough movements destroy my delicate sex, hurts. It hurts a lot. He's a fucking animal, that's what he is.

The damage he's doing to me as the days go by is indescribable. No one who has not been through my situation would understand what I feel, as the agony and mental damage one feels after being abused is unknown to many, but for others, unfortunately, it's a familiar feeling that will never go away and will always be part of us.

I get up from the floor, as my crotch starts to ache, and grab the ointment that I must apply at least once a day to cure the irritation of my vulva. At least that's what I've been told at the pharmacy.

The other times when... he, well, he did that to me, I just endured the pain. I didn't try to heal the wounds and improve the appearance of the bruises—I just hid them with foundation and concealer and let the wounds heal on their own. However, now the pain is very bad and barely lets me walk, which is why on Saturday afternoon I force myself to go to the pharmacy to buy this ointment and Arnica gel.

I open the lid of the bottle and start applying the ointment on my labia minora and majora, making small circles, gently. As I do this, I wince, grit my teeth and reflexively close my eyes. It hurts so much that I can barely apply balm.

I finish applying the ointment and then go on with Arnica gel. I apply to every area where I have purple, green, or yellow bruises. This, like my previous action, causes me a lot of pain, but there is nothing I can do anymore. I can't go around complaining and crying all day because this is partly my fault. I brought this on myself.

Once I apply the gel, I stare at the mirror again. I rest a hand on it, touching my reflected face and more tears fall from my eyes. I remember when those green eyes were full of life and when I was so happy that I radiated light, attracting people around me. I remember when my heart was full and happy, when I felt butterflies in my stomach daily and when a smile flickered across my face every day... Now, that Casy is just a memory. She's just a person I lived with for a while and until Friday I didn't know if I would see her again, but on Saturday... when... Hannah and I... kissed, I saw her. I saw that Casy, and she was happy for me. However, as usual, I ruined everything. Rather, Hannah ruined everything.