The perfect storm in a quiet room

Chapter 46

HANNAH

I look up, surprised, angry, furious, sad, shocked... feeling all the emotions at once, as I see her walking out of one of the stalls in the restroom. My bloodshot eyes grow wide and focus on her intense gaze. I can tell her eyes are watery and I bet she's trying her best not to cry in front of me, but she's totally failing.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks and eyes with my hands and get up from the floor, not knowing what to do next. I mean... I... It's just... I... Oh god! I'm so shocked and confused that... I'm out of words. I can't even think what to say or do next. I really lost it all, even my ability to speak.

"Hannah..." she says, getting closer to me.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" I yell furiously at her the moment I feel her hand touching my right arm. Then I yank my arm away from her grip.

My eyes fly open in surprise. I can't believe what I've done. I mean, I've never yelled at someone like that. I thought I was out of words to say to her and I didn't even know I was capable of raising my voice that high... God, I barely recognize myself anymore... Who am I?

She steps away from me, slowly, stunned at my outburst. Her skin is paler than usual and her face shows me how horrified she is...

"Hannah..." her voice is shaking and silent tears gather in her eyes and start sliding down her cheeks. She's aghast... but her face is expressionless. Just tears can tell you that she's sad, because her eyes don't show any emotion.

"What do you want, Castille?!" I shout hysterically and I'm surprised again. I'm a very serene person, but she crossed a line with her actions and that's riling me up. I don't care how sad she is or how afraid she is of me. I won't pity her, because she doesn't deserve it! She treated me like shit and I'll do the same.

"Hannah I just want to talk about—"

"About what? About what you told the whole fucking school? About the horrible person you are? About the way you broke my heart and hurt my feelings? Should I keep going? Because we have plenty of things to talk about," I say, opening my eyes wide and trying to keep my tone harsh.

She looks down and bites her bottom lip, while she massages her forehead with her right hand.

"And? Didn't you want to talk?" I insist, realizing how quiet she's right now.

I don't have time for that shit. My patience is running out, actually it's been running out since the moment Daniela Salvatierra said my name.

"Look Hannah, I'm sorry. You have all the right in the world to be upset with me, but—"

"Upset? You think I'm upset?" I take a dramatic pause, "Casy I'm destroyed. I've never told anyone the words, I love you; you were the first one. You were the first person I've loved and when you kissed me..." I look down, fighting the tears. I can't cry. I just can't. "I thought... you loved me too, but then... you told me you didn't and that you wanted me to stay away from you, again. I was already heartbroken and depressed by that. But when I came to school this morning and found out what you've done... I fell apart. I thought the worst you could've done to me was rejecting my feelings and giving me false hopes, but after today... this is the worst you could've done to me." I say, my tear-filled eyes staring fixedly at her.

Her gaze is locked with mine. I already started crying again and she's doing her best to fight the tears and remain expressionless. She wants to pretend she's unbreakable, that she's strong and that nothing can affect her, but she's failing. I know she's hurt and I know she loves me. Otherwise she wouldn't be crying right now and wouldn't have kissed me yesterday. But what I don't get is why she's hurting me. Why is she trying to get away from me? I'm missing something. I've been missing it since the day I met her and I suppose I'll never find out what that is.

"Casy, I'll go. I can't be here any longer. I already said what I needed to say, so... there's no point in being here talking about something we can't talk about, right? I just want to say that I promised myself I'll forget about you. Forever. And I'll keep the promise. Yeah, that's it, I don't have any—"

She comes closer and suddenly presses her lips on mine, shutting me up. She puts her hands around my waist and draws me closer to her. For a moment, I'm lost in the kiss and I let myself enjoy her warm mouth and the amazing way her tongue feels circling mine... But, then I come back to the present moment and pull away from her, stopping the kiss. I give her an angry frown and notice her pained look. She looks so sad... so... heavy-hearted... but I can't distract myself with that shit. She didn't care about me so I won't care about her. I'm sick of doing everything I can to make things right and make people happy and shit when they won't do the same for me.

"Bye Casy" I say to her, maintaining my serious look.

Next, I walk out of the bathroom and go outside. I fill my lungs with fresh air as I try to clear my mind and calm myself down. God, I'm so tired. Can't I just catch a break? This last month has been more tiring than the previous fifteen years of my life. And those years were hell for me too, but nothing compared to what I'm going through right now. I've never imagined that loving someone would be so... wearying and painful. But I guess that now all the novels I've read so far make sense. Now I feel what the characters felt. Now I am one of them.