The perfect storm in a quiet room

Chapter 39

CASY

"Casy, sweety! Where have you been? I've been calling you all night and all morning!" says my aunt, worried, when she sees me coming through the door. However, when she approaches me and looks at me more closely, she adds, "My God, what happened to you? You look terrible."

I look in the mirror, which is just next to the entrance, to see what my aunt's referring to and she's right... I look awful. My eyes are red and swollen; my hair is tousled and a bit scruffy; my lips are swollen and chapped and the bags under my eyes are very difficult to hide. No wonder my aunt reacted that way.

"Em..." is the only thing that comes out of my mouth while I try to think of some credible excuse. "I slept over at a friend's house and well... we practically didn't sleep. We stayed up watching movies all night," I finally say. It's better if my aunt only knows the G-version.

She squints at me. Her lips are pressed together and her expression shows she doesn't believe me one bit.

"What friend? Dilara?"

I nod. It's best to play along. She can't know what's going on. First because I know she would never understand why I do what I do—no one would really understand, since no sane person could understand what I'm doing and why— and second because I know her reaction will only get me in trouble. I just have to hold on for a few more months and then it'll be all over. Until then everything must remain secret. I made a mistake and let Hannah discover... a bit too much and I'm not repeating the same mistake with my aunt.

"Okay, I'm glad. But next time try to get at least a couple of hours of sleep. Seriously, you look like a zombie out of a horror movie," replies my aunt, frowning. Then she gives me a weak smile and disappears into the kitchen.

I grimace at her when she turns back and then go upstairs to my room. I throw my backpack on the floor and plop down on the bed, an action that makes even the finest muscle in my body ache. I close my eyes and purse my lips. I don't even want to look at the rest of my body because I know my white skin is only going to be tinged with purple, green and yellow bruises.

I try to stop thinking about the horrible night I had and how stupid I was to call him and sleep over at his house. But what could I do? Going back to my house at three in the fucking morning was not an option. That would have made my aunt suspicious of me and under no circumstances could I let that happen. The best thing to do was to wait until morning and come back when I'd had a couple of hours sleep to improve my appearance and formulate a credible excuse. However, I couldn't sleep a fucking wink all night, and how could I? I had a psycho shitty asshole cupping me and breathing down my neck. I was disgusted by his breathing, his body, his grip, his fucking hands, everything. I wanted to get out of there, but I had no way out. I was trapped and all I could do was close my eyes and pretend to sleep.

An hour or so after Leo fell asleep, being sick of listening to his snoring and his fucking breathing, I carefully got out of bed, trying not to wake him up. I walked over to a small window he had in his room and stared out at the dark starry sky, thinking about Hannah. Her sweet face flashed across my mind and I sighed. Then I shook my head quickly, trying to erase that image from my mind and refocused my gaze on the golden stars covering the sky. Minutes later I went back to bed with Leo, laid down and waited for the clock to strike seven in the morning to get out of there and go back home. Seven thirty I left that damn house without saying goodbye to the pervert who slept with a clear conscience, wrapped in white sheets. Before leaving the room I felt the urge to pinch his testicles and make him writhe in pain like he did to me yesterday, but then I understood that if I did that he would know it was me and I would have to face serious consequences... so I left without further ado, leaving him to sleep in peace.

Right now, I can't help but remember when last night's suffering prevented me from thinking about Hannah. I know I'm crazy for thinking that... what happened a few hours ago helped me forget about her for a while, but all I wanted after seeing her that night was to forget about her. I still want to forget about her. I don't want to fall in love with her. I don't want to have this strong feeling in my chest every time I see her face in my dreams. I don't want to accept the urge I have to kiss her and caress her small body. I don't want to accept that I... that I... that I... like girls... I can't, I simply can't. I know it's something that few will understand, but being part of the popular group has its advantages and disadvantages. Among the disadvantages is... not accepting homosexuals in their group. Yes, something stupid, horrible and cruel, but that's how it is and I have to accept it. I know that if... this thing I feel gets stronger, it's going to be a risk. It's going to jeopardize my social status at school. And I can't go back to being the lonely girl that no one talks to. I can't go back to where I was a few years ago, when I had just arrived from Edinburgh. I can't go back to that... I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to go through the mistreatment, the nicknames, the teasing... I want to belong. I want to be part of a group...I want to have friends and feel... that I'm part of something. Ultimately, high school works like that—you either join a group and survive, or you choose not to belong and let it eat you alive. It's sad, brutal and painful, but it's the way it is and I want to survive. I want to be part of the group despite all the sacrifice that means... because what other choice do I have? Being popular means the whole school respects me and admires me. I went from being nobody to finally being somebody and I'm not willing to give that up. Besides, Dilara and Valentina were the only ones who talked to me on the first day of school and the only ones who wanted to be my friends. Yes, then we went through situations that destroyed our friendship and, of course, now things are worse than ever, but they... know too much about me, and I'm afraid that if I leave the group, they will reveal everything, which would be the... end—my end.

I let out a little groan and grab my phone. Missed calls from Leo, texts and calls from my aunt and some Instagram notifications appear on my screen. I ignore them all and keep checking my phone. I scroll down the screen with my index finger until I find a notification that catches my eye—a message from Hannah. Immediately my heartbeat shoots up and a smile flickers across my face and I curse myself for it. I hate the effect she has on me.

I tap on the message and read: Hey, what happened earlier... it was... weird. I don't know. I just wanted to know if I had done or said something wrong. Can we talk?

I smile again, this time brighter. She was thinking about me... that has to mean something, right? I shake my head. No, it doesn't mean anything.

The message was sent this morning at six a.m. What was she doing up so early? Maybe she couldn't sleep like me either? Part of me hopes so, and hopes that I'm the reason for her insomnia, but another part of me hopes that it's just coincidence and has nothing to do with me. I let out a groan and growl through my teeth, fed up with my confused feelings.

I stare at my phone screen for a few minutes. Do I answer it or just avoid it? I know we should talk and clear everything up for good, but... I don't know. I don't know what the fuck to do.