If I should fall

nineteen

Evan stood in front of the mirror, hating himself.

He hated the shirt he was wearing.

He hated the tie his mom told him to put on.

He hated the way his hair looked terrible, even though he'd styled it specially.

He hated how he was betraying Connor.

He hated the way his hands were shaking.

He hated how his breathing was shallow and uneven.

He hated the way he'd lied to Connor, telling him he was spending quality time with his mom, when Connor had asked him if he wanted to do something together this Friday.

He hated how much he loved kissing Connor.

He hated the way he didn't like kissing Zoe anymore.

"It's just a fucking dinner, Evan. Chill out," he muttered to himself in the mirror, eyeing his reflection with disgust. Deep breaths. "You can do this," Evan whispered. Breathe in, hold, breathe out. In, hold, out. Keep going. He edged out of the bathroom, wanting to cry. His mind flickered automatically to Connor. This has to end soon, he thought. I have to choose soon.

***

Knock.

Knock.

Should I knock again? No, two knocks is fine, isn't it. 

Wait.

Wait.

Hear footsteps.

Smile.

Evan was, quite frankly, terrified. He was about to have dinner with his girlfriend's parents whom he planned to break up with soon. And Connor could be here. He literally could be in the house, waiting for dinner to be announced, like the rest of the family. No. Zoe said he'd be out. Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe. It was going to be fine, Evan convinced himself. Fine. Just fine.

"Hi, Evan. Come in," Zoe smiled at him, answering the door. She looked very pretty in a pastel pink flowered dress, with a soft touch of makeup. 

"Hi, you look nice," Evan mumbled, trying to smile and sound sincere as he stepped into the house.

"Thanks," said and pulled him in for a kiss. It was just a quick, fleeting kiss really, but all the same Evan found himself longing for Connor's lips instead.

"Zoe, don't keep our guest on the doorstep, invite him in!" a female voice called from deeper inside the house.

Zoe broke the kiss off with yet another radiant smile. "Sorry about my mom. Come in, I'll introduce you," she apologised, taking Evan's hand and leading him into what he assumed was the kitchen. 

"Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, Evan," she introduced, giving him a little push forwards. "Evan, these are my parents."

Evan's head spun, but he forced himself to shake her father's hand and accepted her mother's engulfing hug. He couldn't help but notice that his own mom never hugged him like that. After the initial "nice to meet you" and the repeated "oh, call me Cynthia, dear", Evan found himself sat on one side of a large, square table. He had Larry to his left, Cynthia to his right, and Zoe directly opposite him.

"Evan, dear, do you like risotto? I made a gourmet vegan mushroom risotto," Cynthia questioned, serving Evan before she got a chance to answer. 

"Mmm, smells really nice. Thanks Cynthia," Evan forced out, trying not to look at the grey sludge on the plate in front of him. This was going to be a long night.

***

Most of the evening had gone perfectly. Evan had managed to force down all the risotto, he had answered all the Murphy's questions about what his hobbies were, what he planned to study at college, etc. etc. He wasn't exactly happy, but he was fine. They hadn't brought up any awkward topics, he hadn't embarrassed himself at all; if only Connor had been the one sitting across from him, he would have been pleased. Really pleased. Because things were actually going really decently.

Until he heard the front door open, and then slam closed. 

Evan froze in fear.

His head seemed to be underwater, he couldn't hear, think, breathe. Connor was here. It was the only thing he could think about. Connor was here. 

"Hi guys, I'm home!" Sure enough, the loud, careless voice of Connor Murphy rang through the house.

Cynthia patted Evan on the arm and gestured to Connor, who now stood in the doorway of the dining room, just as frozen as Evan. "That's our son, Connor," Cynthia explained unnecessarily.

"I know," Evan whispered, eyes still fixed on the table in fear.

"Evan? What... what are you doing here?" Connor asked. He sounded confused, with hints of hurt underneath.

Cynthia smiled at her son. "We were just getting to know Zoe's boyfriend," she told him. Something flashed across Connor's eyes. 

"Evan is... Zoe's boyfriend?" He asked. There was definitely hurt in his voice now, but still confusion, so much confusion. And it broke Evan's heart.

Suddenly, Evan stood up. "Connor, wait, I can explain, please," he begged, ignoring the surprised faces of Larry and Cynthia. Zoe now became the one staring blankly at the table.

"Explain what?" Connor spat. "You can date whoever the fuck you want. I don't give a shit about you." He stormed out, leaving an awkward silence behind him.

"Um... what just happened?" Larry asked. Evan sat down in defeat, his heart shredded. He couldn't bring himself to answer the question, even though he knew everyone was looking at him. 

Finally, Zoe answered it for him. "Uh, Evan and Connor are really good friends. That's all," she explained quickly. 

"Oh," Cynthia said. "Evan, do you want some more risotto?"

For the second time that evening, Evan stood up suddenly, surprising everyone. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I-- I can't stay here, I need to go, I-- I'm sorry," Evan muttered, looking down at his hands. 

Zoe wordlessly got up to show him out. 

"Thanks for the dinner, Mrs Murphy, it was delicious," he mumbled, trying to make eye contact. 

"Uh, no problem, love. Have a good night," she replied, slightly confused.

Zoe walked him to the door, an awkward silence between them. Evan didn't do anything to break it. At this point, he couldn't. When he opened the door, they stood there awkwardly for a bit, not really saying anything. 

"Um, do you need a ride home?" Zoe asked awkwardly. 

"No, I'll walk. Thanks, though," Evan replied, just as awkwardly. 

"Sorry about tonight," she said softly, squeezing his hand gently. Trying not to be obvious, Evan pulled his hand away. 

"It's alright," he mumbled, even though it was so not alright. He had never felt less alright in his life. "Uh, have a good night. See you," he said, trying to turn away. Zoe took his face in her hands, pulling him in for another kiss. Evan turned his face away, coughing awkwardly to try and cover himself pulling away. If things had been awkward before, it was nothing compared to how much awkwardness hung in the air now. Faking one final cough, Evan turned away without looking at her and walked down the drive, calling a hopeless "bye" over his shoulder. 

And he walked away from his problems. Just like he always did. All I ever do is run....