If I should fall

twenty seven

"Evan. Evan! EVAN!" Connor shot out of bed, looking frantically around the room. "For fuck's sake..." he muttered, pulling a pair of boots on while shrugging a jacket on at the same time, and trying to find his phone. After locating it successfully, he found Evan's contact and called it, sprinting down the stairs two at a time as he did so. He was halfway out the front door when Evan picked up. 

"Hello?"

Connor breathed a sigh of relief. If Evan had picked up the phone, he had to be alright, right?

"Evan, where the hell are you?!" Connor almost shouted.

"Um... I..." Evan coughed nervously. "I'm ok. I went home."

"Oh my god. Oh. My. God. Evan," Connor sank to the ground by the wall outside his front yard, trying to decide whether to be angry or relieved. Considering the events of the past few days, he decided on the latter.

"What happened? Are you ok? Do you need anything? Should I come over?" he asked.

"I, well, I'm-- I will be fine. I just needed a bit of time. I got, uh, overwhelmed, I guess. And you... I didn't really know what to do," Evan sighed. His voice dropped to a whisper: "I still don't know what to do now. Because I really want to see you, but... I don't know.... what my brain will do."

Connor took a deep breath. "I'm gonna go to your house, ok? And I'll stand outside, and you can wave through the window, see how that feels. We'll go from there, alright?" Connor checked, unlocking his car and getting in.

"Ok. Will you stay though? Until then?" Evan asked shyly.

"On the phone? Yeah, of course. I'm not going anywhere," Connor said, putting his phone on the seat next to him and starting the car. "Do you want to talk about yesterday? Or not really? It's up to you."

"Well, I want to try and explain to you what... um... happens sometimes. Um, I have... you know... uh, anxiety... and some--sometimes it, uh..." Evan took a deep breath. "It sometimes messes around with my head more than usual. And, uh, I get these panic attacks. And, well, they can be triggered by pretty much anything, if it happens at... a bad time. Um, and... I don't know if they're ever gonna stop. I asked my therapist... and um... he was vague. And it just terrifies me because if I have them for the rest of life then I... won't be able to... live. No one will want me." Evan's voice trailed off.

"I want you." Connor said earnestly. He sighed. "Evan-- sometimes, you think that no one will want you ever, that no one can understand. How could they? And then sometimes you find someone. And even if they don't understand, they still try. They try their best and they do what they can. And--" Connor's voice cracked and he cleared his throat. "Sometimes stuff happens and they... well, life gets in the way. But even then you have to learn to pick yourself up and keep your head clear and your heart open, and... one day someone new will appear. Someone better. I don't know."

Evan's voice was quiet. "Why are you telling me this, Connor?"

"Because even when you think that no one could ever love you, there are people who'll pick you out of the bunch even when you're at your lowest."

"Who did you lose?" Evan asked gently.

"I... it doesn't matter. Life's moved on. I have you now. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. Point is, I love you no matter what, and I always will. And I'm outside your house," Connor laughed softly.

"You are?"

"Mhmm."

Connor climbed out of his car where he saw Evan standing at the window, phone in hand, the other hand waving shyly.

"I'm waving through the window, Connor," Evan mumbled. "Why aren't you waving back?"

Connor laughed and waved back obediently. "Of course I'm waving back, baby."

Evan smiled, before disappearing from behind the window. "Wait there," he said and hung up.

Connor smiled slightly and waited. Thirty seconds later the front door opened and Evan rushed out, Connor engulfing him in a huge hug.

"I'm really proud of you, baby. You handled that really well," Connor muttered into Evan's hair.

"Who left you? You can talk about it if you want," Evan offered. It hurt his heart a little bit to hear Connor talk about someone else he used to love, but at the same time he wanted to be there for him. Connor was supportive of him, now he had to be supportive of Connor.

"His name was Miguel," Connor mumbled. "He... cared about me in a way no one else had. One day something came up and... I don't know. I haven't seen him since. It hurt a lot for a while, but I've moved on. And anyways... life doesn't stop. It's brought me you and I wouldn't change that for anyone. Not even... not even getting him back."

Evan gently embraced his boyfriend, stroking his hair softly. He didn't know how to feel, or what to say. So instead, he just said the one thing he was certain of:

"I love you."