If I should fall

twenty five

TW: mental breakdown and thoughts of suicide. I'll put a ⚠️ before the specific part. If you skip to the end of the chapter I'll put a summary of what happens. Please don't read it if you're at risk of being triggered. Your mental health is more important than a book.

"Hi." Connor seemed to hum with excitement, straight away making a beeline for Evan and engulfing him in a hug. It had been a month since they had started dating, and it had gone flawlessly. Since they'd been to a museum last weekend (Evan's choosing) this week Connor had persuaded Evan to go to a party. 

"Hi," Evan said, smiling shyly up at Connor and wrapping his own arms around Connor's waist.

"Hi. You excited?" Connor asked, leading Evan up the stairs to his room. They were getting ready at Connor's house before going to the party in the evening.

"You already said hi," Evan pointed out. Connor grinned. 

"You're very right. But that doesn't mean that you can get away with not answering my question."

"I'm not the most excited," Evan admitted, staring at the floor. Connor poked him. 

"Just like I wasn't the most excited to go to that lovely museum last week," he joked. Evan couldn't resist smiling as he sat down on the bed.

"Fair enough."

"Seriously though." Connor got down on one knee so that his face was level with Evan's. "If you want to go home you just say, ok?"

"Ok," Evan replied. He smirked after a second. "You look like you're about to propose."

"Maybe I am," Connor said defiantly. He quickly pulled a loose thread from his ripped jeans, before tying it quickly into a loop. "Evan Treeboy Hansen, will you marry me?" he asked solemnly, trying to hide his smile.

"What if I said no?" Evan smirked. Connor put his hand over his heart and pretended to be shocked. 

"Well then, I would just.... die, wouldn't I?"

Evan grinned. "Yes you would. So my answer is.... no." He laughed while Connor pretended to fall to the ground. "I'm kidding. Of course I'd marry you," he said, smiling shyly and taking the ring from Connor.

"Wait! I have to put it on you!" Connor exclaimed, taking the 'ring' back and gently sliding it onto Evan's ring finger. "I now pronounce us married... may I kiss the groom?"

Evan snorted. "All that for a kiss? You could have just asked," he said, but still he allowed Connor to connect their lips, running his hand gently through the tangles in Connor's hair.

They found themselves making out on Connor's bed, the party completely forgotten. Evan moaned softly as Connor kissed his jawline, trailing his fingers over Connor's back. As Connor's lips made their way back to Evan's, Connor slipped two fingers into the waistband of Evan's boxers. Immediately Evan clammed up, pushing Connor's hand off and sitting up, his knees tucked into his chest. 

"Fuck, sorry Evan," Connor muttered, shuffling himself off the bed. 

"I'm sorry, I'm just... not ready. I'm not ready. Sorry," Evan whispered, tears pooling in his eyes. Why did he have to go and mess everything up? Everything had felt so nice a few minutes ago, and now he'd gone and ruined it.

"No, I know. It was my bad, Evan. I just got... carried away. You're very sexy, you know," Connor apologised, smiling slightly.

Evan tried to smile, because he knew that Connor was trying to make things not awkward. But he had this horrible cold feeling in his chest that wouldn't budge.