Confidence Like A Rockstar

The Studio

The week went by very quickly. I couldn't believe it was Monday again. I left for school as usual as nothing had happend to the usual rubbish I got off everyone. Walking into english with my presentation to do was just a normal thing to do. For a normal person that is.

I stood up infront of the class and started my presentation. The subject was hidden talents, shouldn't have been too difficult for me to find. I started with describing what my hidden talent was and the things I do like sing, and dance. Really just showing the true Me. I showed pictures and the things I do but then I said why I keep it hidden, this is what sent my emations in motion. 

"The main reason I keep this hidden is because of the way you all treat me. Who remembers the day the wanted came in? Well thats because of a competition that was won by me, it was to write a song about yourself and thats what I did. I filmed it and added the chords but none of you even thought to ask me about it. You just saw them as a talentless band but their not and you just saw me as a no-one, just someone who is the quiet one, the one who gets good grades, who has no friends. Well you don't know the real me and this is why because the real me, is a lot happier than this. She has friends who care about her, make her feel wanted, listen to her, supports her no matter what. If you want to see the real me then watch this." 

By then I was in full blown tears as I played the video and ran out the door. The video showed what I was really about. Nathan had helped me film it by holding the flip camera as I played the piano, guitar and just showed the fun I had the week before with bowling, the cinema, shopping and all with the wanted, one direction, justin and their girlfriends. I had become really close to them as they offered to help with the tour by doing the dancing and helping me with wardrobe but most of all not leaving me to deal with 11 lads with hardly any girls to talk to. Yay. 

I ran down to the toilets with the memories of my songs being ripped up flashing through my mind, everything was killing me inside. I had to get out of this place but I knew where to go. I left my things in my locker but took out a few things. My phone's. Yes Phones, Nathan insisted on buying me another phone to keep everyones numbers on, My new song folder (because my other one got ripped up. Good thing they were only copies) and my address book. No matter what I knew where I was going. 

I grabbed my dance kit and signed out saying I was going to the doctors (Yes they believed it, how stupid can they be) and headed out. There was one place I could go when I needed a break. The Dance Studio I go to. My mum knows the woman who owns it and she said when I need space I can go there and there was always one free atleast for me to have some chill time.

I walked in and said hi to her as I walked past her. I told her what happend in my assessment and she said I could stay. She is always so kind to me and she knows i'm talented. I walked in to the studio with mirrors all along the walls, the speakers on the left hand sides and the windows high up. I closed them because it was a bit cold but this is one of the places I felt comfortable, the place I could be creative. 

I set my things in one of the corner's and got changed. I had my three-quarter jogging bottoms on with a plain black top with the neck cut a bit giving the tee-shirt more room for me to move and flex the moves.  I still had tear staines on my face but I remove myself and soldier on. I put on some fast pace music to really get me moving before I started. 

I was starting some phrases for the tour choreography. Nothing was set in stone yet as it was only ideas, by having differnt ideas written down, I could be able to change sertain phrases and re-work them to fit in. 

I worked for about two-hours before I stopped for a break, Jaynie (the woman who owns the studios) kept checking on me every 15 minuits to make sure I was okay. When I say Jaynie is really nice I meant it as she listend to what I said and she would give me friendly advice, she always lets me come in to the studio when I wanted as she trusts me but also unlike some people she doesn't judge me. She allows me to be creative as Dance is one of those elements that can be used to express your emotion and mood in a creative way and thats what I do along with music. 

As I was sat writing the next sequence down the door opened. I turned around to see who it was as my school tutor walks in. Why now? I turned back around again as I continued writing as he stood infront of me. He started asking me why I left like I did? Why was I upset? Gosh why should you care you only go and tell other people about it and still nothing is done, they just think, oh its only Anna-May she will be alright. Well is she alright. You chose now to ask when I have been here over two hours to ask if I was alright. I told him I was fine and just to leave me alone. 

Just then Jaynie walked in and saw him there. She looked at me and asked if I was alright. I just simply said that I just wanted some piece and quiet to get on with what I was doing. 

My tutors face just dropped as I said that I was not going back to school. He kept trying to persuade me. He threatend me with exlusion and detentions but still I didnt budge. Would you if you felt pushed out. Even your english teacher said that you were always excluded but with her butting in was it a surprise. He soon left to my delight as I thanked Jaynie because she did defend me by telling him how much of a state I was in earlier. She told my mum I was here so if the school phoned she wouldn't worry. My mum always knew I would never go far but she always knew the first place I would go was the studio. 

I didn't stop and finish till about six pm but I did get a lot done in that time, for me that was good and it gave me a break for a while and not feel pressured or horrible about myself. This was a calming enviroment for me. I said bye to Jaynie and set off home. The studio was only 5 minuites away from my house so it was only a short walk. 

I walked in to my house to be greeted by my mum. She didn't shout at me for missing school but she did say that I did the right thing by getting out of the situation and by not just going anywhere. She also said that Jaynie explained what I told her and where I was so she didn't have an issue because I was in a safe place and she knew Jaynie always checks on me. 

I took my things upstairs and logged in to my laptop. Nathan was in Gloucester so we skyped each other every night. I logged into skype and called Nathan since he was already on. 

He saw straight away I had been crying. I told him what happend and where I went to for the rest of the day. As I thought about the day I started sheading tears. Nathan grew concerned as this was becoming more and more common and the school were doing nothing about it. There was no way I was going to school in the morning I couldn't face the fact at all. I ended my call to Nathan, but then I thought that I couldn't take this life any longer. I couldn't prove myself to any of them.

I went to the bathroom and shut the door. I went to the cubord and got a razor blade out of the cubord. i sat down for a moment and with one deep breath I extended my wrist and made a cut. Then I took another deep breath and made another. My blood was seeping through on to the bath room floor as I felt dizzy then everything went black.