My Best Friends Brother

Chapter 69

JOSH’S P.O.V.

Okay, I don’t want to start sounding like one of those needy fucking boyfriends, but I seriously need Miles to message me back now.

This supposed ‘bros night in’ with Steve is turning into my worst nightmare. The mma documentary he made me watch was bad enough... but now he's got us catching up on what's become his new favourite show since Brie wormed her way into his fucking head.

“Sashay away bitch!”

She broke my brother.

The pre-Brie Steve would never have been caught dead in a million years watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, yet here he is getting so worked up in the lip sync battle that I half expect him to jump up off the couch and do his own fucking version of Kelly Clarkson’s-Because of you, in a pink wig and eight inch heels.

“I’m not saying I know what it’s like to bat on your team, I’m just saying that half these guys could have been dancing down at the square room and I never would have fucking noticed the difference. I mean, look at the ass on that one! Even Brie would be shuffling herself in closer if that dude was across the club giving me the fucking look.”

I should have bought more beer. No actually, tequila, this is definitely a conversation for tequila.

Where is Miles being his usually distracting self when I fucking need it?

“Josh, seriously man, stop checking your phone so much, I’m starting to think that you don’t actually want me here.” He chuckles as he finishes off his bottle whilst simultaneously opening the next. “It's like a watched pot, keep checking the phone and that boy is never going to boil.”

I lose all my senses, even Michelle Visage berating her latest pray with a perfectly set up retort can't breakthrough as I stare over at Steve, only to see him smirking into his new beer.

He knows...

For fucks sake. “How much did Brie tell you?” Of course she fucking told him, she told my mother so of course she told fucking Steve.

“Everything.” He laughs as he shoves me so hard in the chest that I end up spilling a good glug of my beer down my shirt whilst being thrown into the back of the couch. I should check him for steroid injection sites, it's not fucking natural to be that strong. “Brie always tells me everything, my question is, why didn’t I hear it from you?”

I don’t even bother to try and dry up the beer that is now soaking straight through the fabric of my shirt directly into my skin. I should have told him, right now he’s the person I want to tell about this whole thing. Steve has been the one constant in my life, my mum is amazing but until recently she wasn’t someone that I felt I could really talk to, it’s never been like that with Steve.

He was the very first person I came out to, voluntarily anyway. It sounds really stupid but I wasn’t afraid to tell anyone else, I had a genuine fear that telling my team would mean the end of basketball for me but I could have dealt with it if I had to, but I never would’ve handled losing Steve.

I was shaking so much that day trying to tell him that he started to panic, he thought that maybe I was fucking dying or something from how terrified I was to say the words, and how much my whole body was quivering at the very thought of his rejection. Now I realise there was never anything to be afraid of, he reacted like I just told him I wanted fried chicken for tea, a smile and a nod - before grabbing me in his arms and telling me he loved me.

I have something just as important to tell him now, that for the first time in a decade I actually feel like I have the potential for something really fucking amazing, but to ask him to keep something like this from his future wife – I could never do that to him, or them.

But, maybe, I could tell him just enough that he can show me what we have is worth risking it all for?

“I’m sorry. It’s still really early, we're just not ready for everybody to be getting involved yet.”

Steve nods, the music of the title credits rolls into silence until my screen returns to the Netflix open menu. Oh my God they’ve added Rocky, definitely watching that later.

“So what's wrong with him?” Steve asks like it’s a possibility, if he only realised how much easier this would be if I could actually find a fault with Miles.

“There’s nothing fucking wrong with him! We’re just taking it slow, not all of us end up with our hands inside the girl we're going to marry, retrieving lost sex toys, before we've even had our first date.”

You’d think he’d be embarrassed by that memory, but him and Brie are so fucking made for each other that he just smirks like he’s reliving his own personal fucking fantasy in his head.

I am perfectly happy never seeing whatever he is envisioning right now.

Steve leans back against the couch so we mirror each others body placement, it’s not lost on me how often we end up doing this. For two people who grew up apart, we’re freakishly similar. He starts to flick through the other options for tonight but the smirk on his face lets me know that this conversation definitely isn’t over.

“So, he’s really ugly huh?”

For fucks sake.

“Beautiful actually.”

“Super fat? Not judging, I love curves as much as the next guy.”

“His body is better than mine.”

Steve ogles down at his own figure. “Is it better than mine?” I burst out laughing, the poor guy looks genuinely upset that there may be someone in the world that can outmatch him on what he considers to be his own brand of perfection, before nodding. “What is it then? Is he an idiot? Balding? A member of ISIS? Got all the humour and personality of a dead goldfish? There’s got to be something fucking wrong with him for you to keep him away from me.”

This guy just doesn’t get it does he.

“He’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, there's not a hair missing on his head, I am pretty sure he has no political or religious affiliations, and he may be the funniest guy on the planet. He’s perfect, absolutely fucking perfect, he has the ability to make me so happy that I forget there was ever a time in my life where I felt anything but fucking joy. He’s so special, but he has no fucking idea how special. He’s... I just really... I just really like him.”

Steve lowers his bottle to the table and twists in his seat until he’s looking directly at me. He’s giving me that look, the same one he used to give me when I was in high school and he was trying to figure out if I was too drunk for him to take me home to my mother. Being under Steve’s assessment is a bit like being tied to a chair, with a spotlight glaring down into your eyes, while your fingernails are slowly ripped off; every part of your mind just screams to give him the information that he wants, even if you know you shouldn't.

“Josh, I love you and you’re my brother, I just want you to be happy. If this guy is so fucking perfect then why are you hiding him? And don’t give me that bullshit about going slow because we both know you're not that kind of person, you gave up on living behind closed doors a long fucking time ago. So, what's the problem?”

He’s right, after I came out I promised myself I’d never let myself hide who I am or who I love again, but in this situation is just not that fucking easy.

“It’s just... We are... It’s complicated, really fucking complicated. He’s not out - but that's not really part of the problem, he seems pretty sure of what he wants and it's not that that's holding us back. There’s just... There're people that wouldn’t be happy if they found out we’re together.”

“Fuck them.”

I look up from where I’ve been peeling the label off the bottle in my hand the entire time we’ve been talking, meeting his eyes and seeing no hint of hesitation in them. Of course he feels that way, Steve is the kind of person that would risk everything for the people he cares about. But it’s not just my risk to take, Miles would be putting so much on the line to be with me too.

“It's not that easy, people could end up really upset.”

“Fuck them.”

“Steve...” He cuts me off, raising his hand to silence my protests before they've even began.

“Fuck them Josh, fuck everyone else. You guys like each other, if you guys want to be together then that's a conversation between the two of you, not anybody else. You always put yourself last, it's something that makes you an amazing friend, son and brother but it's also the reason that everybody else has been able to find happiness before you've let yourself get close. For once in your life will you please just be fucking selfish and go for what you want? Stop worrying about how it will affect everyone else for you two to be together, and start worrying about what it would feel like for you if you weren't.”

I can’t picture it, I don’t even want to imagine a world where me and Miles are kept apart forever. I want to be selfish with him, keep him, I want to say fuck it to every person that would look down on us but... It’s just not who I am.

“What if I fuck everything up?”

Steve lays his hand down on my shoulder, my head turning on instinct to embrace the warmth of my brother.

“What if you don't?”

How does he make this all seems so simple? I guess as a man who almost lost the love of his own life, he understands better than most what it would mean to have to say goodbye to someone just to do the best thing by other people. Him and Brie, I think they were always destined, a king for a queen. He just wants to make sure that I don’t make the same mistakes he did when getting her.

He leans back, returning to shoving his feet up on my coffee table and opening another beer before passing it to me.

“Okay, how about this: I will tell you something that I have never told anyone, and then you tell me what it is that’s the problem here?”

I nod, despite the fact I know I can’t tell him everything, there’s still a part of my relationship that I need to know if he’s okay with.

Steve takes a deep breath, almost sucking all the oxygen out of the room in the process, as he lets his head fall completely back against the couch and stares up at the ceiling.

“Sometimes, in my dreams, I see Brie pregnant.”

I really shouldn’t have taken a swig of this beer before he said that. I basically just gave him a barley flavoured shower as it came flying out of my mouth.

As he attempts to dry his face with the sleeve of his t-shirt, I try to run the words he’s just said over and over again in my head until they make sense.

“You... You want to have kids?”

Steve looks utterly horrified by the idea, rubbing the last of my saliva from his cheek before chuckling and shaking his head profusely.

“God no. Neither of us want to do the kid thing, we really fucking like our lives, it’s just that sometimes I can’t help but wonder how fucking gorgeous she would be all glowing and everything. The image quickly vanishes when I think about being woken up at three every morning with some screaming brat that needs changing. Still, I’m pretty sure if I told her about it she'd have her bags packed before I finished the sentence... Now, your turn.”

Okay, here goes nothing.

“There's an age gap.” I know I’m missing a big chunk of information there, but it’s the best I can do for now.

Steve does that little squinty eye thing he does when he’s trying to figure out his computer coding, crossing his arms over his chest and turning so his back is completely against the arm of the couch.

“An age gap... How much older is he?”

Oh God. “Not older...”

Steve’s eyes open enough that I can see the mirror of my own blue in the ocean of his, the corners of his lips twisting until he emulates a dangerous predator.

“Oh... Got yourself a toy-boy have you? Guess you really are your mothers son after all.” I reach over to smack him but he uses those cat like reflexes of his to swat my hand away before I get anywhere close. The next time I go to see one of his fights, I’m rooting for the other guy...

Steve ceases his gentle laughter and returns to the matter in hand with a dollop of sincerity added on top this time. “So, how much younger are we talking here? You know there’s a few years between me and Brie anyway. What’s it with him? Five? Six?”

“Ten.”

I swear I physically watch most of the colour drain from his face. He tries to cover it up, but his next words come out as a bit of a choke.

“Ten? So he’s like...”

“Nineteen, he’s nineteen Steve.”

Steve begins to flip the lid of his beer bottle in a wave between his fingers, travelling from one side to the other without ever breaking the motion as he takes a moment to digest the load I just dumped on him.

I’d better get used to this, it's going to be this way with everyone right? It’s going to be like coming out all over again.

The moment that this all settles in that thick-headed skull of his, he pops the beer lid with his thumb and I watch it spin up into the air before he captures it quickly in his fist.

“Age means fuck all Josh. I’ve met eighteen year olds down at the church with more maturity than some fourty year olds, teenagers with more life experience and guys who have been through more than most adults. Do you feel like he’s ten years younger than you when you’re together?”

“Never.” I answer truthfully, my mind flooding with all the images of Miles’ smiling face as he sits across from me, my hand tingling like it’s clutching his again. “He feels like my equal in almost every walk of life, when I’m with him none of that even matters. When we’re together we’re just... us. There’s just something about him, like my soul recognises something in his that my mind isn't able to process. Every second I’m with him it hurts that I know I’ll have to say goodbye to him again soon enough, yet they’re still the best seconds of my day.”

“Fucking hell Josh...” My brother leans forward, placing his face close enough to mine that I can see my own reflection in his eyes. “Damn... You're falling in love with him.”

My heart isn’t beating. Could someone please send help because I really don’t think my heart is beating...  No, nope, nu-uh, no I can’t be. It's not possible. I’d know.

“I’m not, for fucks sake we’ve only been on one proper date.”

Steve laughs with his entire body as he falls back into the pillows and begins again to scan through the options again.

“You're so stupid. You’re the smartest stupid person that I know...  Josh, I started falling in love with Brie back when I didn’t even know her real name. I fell completely head over heels sitting on a beach holding that girl in my arms long before we ever went on a date.  You may not realise it yourself yet, I know I didn’t when I was in your stage, but one day you'll look back on this memory right here and you'll know that your big brother was right, like always.... Oh look, they’ve added Rocky!”

We continue on with our night but I continue to have the most ominous feeling in my stomach. In all our years as siblings, there has always been one thing I could depend on...

...Steve being right.

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