My Best Friends Brother

Chapter 173

MILO’S P.O.V

Three days. That’s how long it’s been since the last time I held my boyfriend in my arms.

Three fucking days.

I know that’s not a lot to most people but me and Josh are usually together at any fucking opportunity... and it fucking hurts to be away from him.

It’s just so fucking weird between us right now, it feels like the universe is trying to keep us apart or something.

We have really good communication, it's something we've always had in our relationship but even that is being stifled by outside forces at the moment.

Coach decided that all of us are lazy fuckers over Christmas break so he’s insisted on two hour practises after school every night this fucking week, along with that Josh being handed two more projects at work. We’re both so fucking busy, even on the rare occasions I’ve tried calling he's constantly on the phone with the private investigator tracking down leads to find his father.

We’ve have spoken on the phone but our conversations always seem to get cut short buy something or other, I just want to go to the house and fucking hold him but there's this stupid voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me not to.

I’m afraid.

I’m fucking afraid.

I know I shouldn’t be, Josh just keeps telling me that everything is going to work out but I can’t help this annoying rat inside my stomach that is eating away at my insides, hollowing me out ready for the emptiness of a life without him to take over.

It was a stupid thought, something that doesn’t even need to happen now as long as he can find his father and make him sign those papers, but the fear that hit me standing in his living room and thinking of having to walk away from him is still running wild within my body.

I can’t fucking control it! And...

I can’t lose him, I just can’t fucking lose him.

The fear of it is becoming stronger than any other emotion I feel. It’s so hard to explain what it’s like to desperately want to be with someone but also have complete fear that being with them will remind you of everything you're going to lose if you ever have to walk away.

It’s stupid, it's so fucking stupid to feel this way. Lee told me about when her mum was dying, when she got really sick Lee had this one day where she just didn’t want to go to the hospital. She couldn’t explain it, it was just like her heart desperately wanted to see her mum but her mind just couldn't handle watching her slip away again for another day.

This isn’t the same thing but I think I finally have an understanding of what was going on within her right then, knowing that every time you see someone the bond between you only grows, but the fear that you are going to lose it just sits there in the back of your mind casting a dark cloud over what should be a moment of pure light.

I don’t want to feel this way. I just want to be with him.

“So now it’s just the essay right?” Eli asks, scrolling again through the seventh college application we've filled out since I’ve been here. I tried spending that first night at home but laying in an empty bed without Josh just meant I spent the whole time staring at the empty spaces where the stars used to sit on my ceiling.

I know he was going through the same thing because when I text him at three a.m. he text me straight back. Josh isn’t pushy, he's the type of person that just wants you to be happy and comfortable, so he hasn't asked if I’m going to be staying there again yet but I can tell that he wants me there.

I want to be there too, I just don’t understand why I can’t just go over there like I normally would.

Fuck fear. I hate fear.

The last two nights I’ve spent right here. Although sharing a bed with Eli mostly consists of him kicking the shit out of me in his sleep, it's better than not being able to hear anyone breathing as you try to close your eyes.

“Yeah, are you going to use the same one you’re sending to your fancy fucking English university?” Eli rolls his eyes at me, he knows I’ll support him no matter what but currently the thought of him being on the other side of that pond is like the final nail in my lifes fucking coffin.

“I’ve told you man, I’m not sure where I’m going. My dad misses me you know, both of them do. They both thought I’d be going back there for uni but...” Now he's not sure.

I think I’m starting to figure out why.

“You still not going to tell me about the girl that’s making you want to stay here?” Eli drops his head almost to the desk before pretending to type a load of shit on his laptop again. He inadvertently pulls up his search history and as I glance at the screen I can feel my cheeks flushing.

Dude, use incognito mode like a normal fucking person!

Geez... I’m not kink shaming but wow... This girl better have some exotic fucking tastes is all I’m saying.

“Eli.” But he just ignores me again, dismissing his search history a little to long after it’s emotionally scared me for life.

I’ve been talking about going to LSU since I was a kid but he’s never had any interest in the place, now all of a sudden he's filling in applications to go there like his life fucking depends on it.

He’s following someone, the same someone that he snuck out to go and see at two o’clock this morning and didn’t think I noticed.

“Eli...” I may be fucking up in my own relationship, but I know how these things can go if you have no one to talk to about them. Outside of my sister, Eli is my best friend, I want him to know that he can fucking trust me with whatever this is. “Man, will you please talk to me? I know there’s something going on with you and please don't give me bull about it being these applications. You don’t have to tell me every detail, but I can see that it’s fucking eating away at you right now, so just unload something.”

It might actually be nice too be on the outside looking in at someone else’s growing love, rather than feeling it all myself for once.

Eli stares down at the phone sitting on his lap, resting his elbows on the desk and interlocking his fingers behind his giant fucking head. He’s been working out like crazy lately, burning off whatever frustration is building within him, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him looking this big.

Finally, he lets out a deep breath and tosses his phone onto the desk before spinning in his computer chair to face me.

“Fine... I need to talk about this but I can’t tell you who it is, so don’t fucking ask.” As long as he’ll tell me something and get it off his chest, I don’t care who the fuck it is. Crossing my finger over my heart, he stands up and walks to sit on the opposite side of the bed from me.

“Okay, just tell me what you can.” Eli may look like a big scary dude, but really he’s just a giant teddy bear that’s all fluffy on the inside instead. He’s fucked his way through half the girls in our school but he’s never disrespected any of them, never ghosts or pretends it never happened. He’s up front with what he wants before anything happens between them, then still smiles and chats with them in the hallway at school like they’re still someone he wants to have as a friend in his life, which to be fair he usually does.

A player with a heart. He’s definitely a rare breed.

He taps his fingers on his thighs, glancing around the room as if someone is going to be standing in the corner magically stopping him from talking.

“I kind of... I like someone.” I figured that much out for myself but I decide not to mock his obvious observation and let him continue. “I don’t know why because he’s such a fucking dick.”

I know that Eli’s bi but it still catches me off guard when he says he. He looks up at me to gauge my reaction but I keep my face completely passive, I just want him to talk.

“He literally drives me mental, I swear sometimes he fucking hates me then other times it’s like he gives me just enough that I can’t let him go, only for him to fucking crush me all over again. I don’t know how the fuck he’s done this to me, I never looked at him this way for a fucking minute before he kissed me, but since he did, I can’t think about anything else.”

Damn, somebody actually fucking got through that solid hard shell of his and locked themselves in.

I never thought I’d see the day. He’s fucking whipped.

“He’s not out, which I’m cool with because I get that everybody has their own process and shit, but I don’t think he even fucking wants to be. No, I know he doesn’t want to be. It’s like there’s two completely different fucking halves to him; one side that is so vulnerable I just want to take him away from the world and keep him for myself, but then there’s this other half that is so fucking stupid I just want to cave his fucking head in.”

Don’t laugh Milo. Do. Not. Laugh.

“I’m trying... I’m trying so fucking hard but he just can’t see himself the way I see him... I don’t know what the fuck to do.”

Fuck, this is really fucking effecting him.

“Does he like you? Like, really like you?” The sad face that Eli had a moment ago twitches until his lips curl up slightly, I’m grateful because for a minute there I couldn’t see anything of my best friend in his face.

“Yeah, he actually likes me a lot more than even he fucking realises. Nobody has this effect on me man, you know that. Usually once I’ve had a taste of someone I’m good to move on to the next flavour, but with him...”

“It's like it's never enough.” I finish for him, it’s a feeling I’m very familiar with.

“You don’t understand Milo, I feel like I’m fucking addicted or something. Like one of those crackheads down on the Southside begging the serpents for another fucking hit. I’ve tried to walk away from him, but then he does something stupid like fucking kiss me and I’m straight back to where I started. I actually find myself fucking looking at my phone waiting to hear off him, or catching fucking glimpses of him that make my heart beat like the fists of a mental fucking patient against a padded room wall. I don’t get it man, of all the people that have been willing to throw themselves at me, I end up wanting the one that wants to fucking run away.”

I chuckle from deep within my chest. Of course fate would do this to him, he’s someone so full of love, it makes sense for him to be matched to someone who really needs it.

Still, I’m not happy with somebody fucking with his heart like this. Eli isn’t the type of guy to fall easily, so whoever this is should fucking understand how lucky they are that he feels this way about them.

“Eli, are you actually happy when you’re with this guy? No matter how you feel about someone, if they’re making you sad more than they’re making you happy then that’s not fucking healthy mate.” I don’t want him to walk away from something that’s good for him but I don’t want him staying in a bad situation and letting his heart rule his head either.

“For a minute there, I actually thought we could be. Being around him makes me fucking happy but then a load of shit happened a few days ago and now it feels like I haven’t got a fucking clue what’s going on anymore...” This is like deja fucking vu.

“Does Luke know about you guys?” Eli’s eyes snap to mine, his hands stilling completely from the way they were fiddling with his bed sheets.

“Why would you ask that?” Suddenly his whole demeanour changes, I swear Eli was never this fucking paranoid before, but now it's like we’re being secretly fucking videoed or something and he’s now very aware of the room.

“I’ve just noticed that there’s tension between you guys. I know he’s a homophobic asshole even if he’s not willing to admit it, so I figured if he knew about you and some guy that would explain why he’s being so standoffish. He’s hardly said two words to me since I came out about me and Josh.” Even during the game he hardly fucking looked at me.

“Nah mate, it ain't like that.” Eli shakes his head and returns to picking imaginary lint from his covers. “Luke’s got his own shit going on... And I don’t think he’s got a problem with you and Josh, his dad has just put a lot of shit into his head that he needs to work through.”

I know that, if Luke would just fucking let me, I’d get him a million miles away from that prick. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he isn’t even giving me the curtesy of pretending to be my friend anymore. I get his life isn’t easy, I understand a bit better since I found out about who his cousin was as to why he’s so fucking angry all the time too.

He’s not a bad person, I think he’s just someone raised in a seriously crap situation. That can make you go one of two ways; you can end up like Luke – angry, bitter and feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. Or you can end up like Liam - accepting that the world can be tough but looking for the light and love in it where you can, letting that be what pulls you from the darkness.

I miss my little man.

I miss my man.

“What are you going to do? You can’t stay like this, you look a wreck man and you're constantly fucking distracted.” I grab his wrist and pull him to my side.

“I know,” he begins, falling back to lay next to me on the bed as we both stare up at the posters coating his ceiling. I can’t believe his mom lets him put these things up in her house. “He just doesn't know what he wants, I need to give him time you know... I’m not giving up on him.”

It’s actually kind of fucking beautiful to hear him talk about somebody like this. Even if nothing else comes out of this sort of relationship, at least he knows now what it feels like to be completely fucking besotted with someone.

He’s worthy of love, he’s too good of a person not to be adored the way he deserves.

“Speaking of not giving up on people, May answer any of your text yet?” He asks, clearly trying to navigate the conversation in a different direction. I’ll let him because I know how hard it was for him to even tell me that, but this situation is far from over.

May. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with her.

“Nope. Brie said she’s just getting worse, I tried to talk to her through her bedroom door yesterday but she wouldn't even answer me. Steve managed to get her to eat something but I’m pretty sure she’s just throwing it all back up anyway. Jayce and Lee got into another argument when he asked about taking Heather over to see her, I think if she could just see that Heather is alive and well rather than this image of a body that she’s keeping in her head, she'd be able to start to fucking forgive herself.”

That’s what she really needs to do, but on the other hand, how the fuck is she supposed to forgive herself when no one around her will offer her any forgiveness either?

I’ve told her a hundred times that I love her and that I don’t hold her responsible for what happened, even if it’s not entirely how I feel, I know it’s what she needed to hear. Brie has told her the same and even  Jayce went over on the weekend to try to talk to her but she's just not letting anybody in right now.

“You have to keep trying mate, she's in a dark place right now and you can't just turn you’re back on her when she needs you most. I know that May comes across like she’s made of fucking Teflon or something but I’ve seen her with Heather, she loves that little girl so much. Knowing what she did to her must be fucking killing her slowly.” He really does know her doesn't he.

It’s funny, a few months ago the two of them were running around the garden like lunatics throwing each other into the pool. He’s always made jokes and stuff about how she could be the woman for him one day but when I look back on it now I realise that the way he’s treated her isn’t the way some guy treats a girl that he's going to marry one day, it's the way you treat a sister.

All the jokes he made were to get to me, he lives to wind me up, but deep down he's always felt very protective over May.

“Can you drop me off there? I want to try again.” She needs her brother right now, I can’t do a lot but I can do that.