Self-love and acceptance (for a spiritual teen)

just random thingz (honestly, save your time)

JOURNALLING IS USEFUL! PLEASE DO TRY IT IF YOU FEEL UNDER THE WEATHER. or even if you're a little too sad for your liking. 

trust me, the amount of stuff this habit has saved me from, is unbelievable. please use this if you wanna keep your thoughts and emotions in check and you can't really bring yourself to talk about things :)

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if you don't particularly like how the new year's going, remember- you're not alone.

also, multiple tw: anxiety, s**cidal, eating disorder.

journal begins:

lmao so, 2022 was shitty literally two minutes into the year. i broke a pipe at home and got drenched and also scolded for it. and not a single day after that has been better istg!

every single day i keep trying to focus on myself and get my shit together. but i just feel so completely empty.

the very first day held so many empty promises and i came to realise just how little i meant to people. i felt extremely s**cidal the first 10 days and was seriously considering it an option. 

i wanted to cry every single day and when i tried to open up to people i either got brushed off or just anxious af. i don't know what i'm doing or going to do. life feels so listless. 

my manifestations were mostly focused on improving grades so i don't know if that was the mistake i made? but i just hope things start looking up eventually. not even soon, just... eventually. 

here's the thng y'all. 1 year. in that amount of time, i need to do everything in my power to get the fuck away from this toxic house and family. they don't value me the slightest bit but just constantly airbrush tf out of me with shit like 'i'll support you', 'you know i only care about you', etc.

i completely understand that i'm not the most normal person and can actually be pretty shitty sometimes, but i genuinely wish i could be better and have better, i constantly work on improving myself only to be faced the reality that is my manipulative family. 

it also sucks that i gained a few pounds so now i'm actually quite overweight. i hope to change that real soon. i can't eat the same now that i've checked my weight. and i'm also way too obsessed with food to go through with being bulimic so...

i don't understand how my brother is more important than me (lies, i actually do lol). or why my grandmother likes her grandsons more than me. or just why the very few friends i have/had ignore.

frankly, i DO want attention. and i can't get it anywhere. maybe that's why i'm writing this ig. but to keep myself sane i need SOME kind of human interaction. even a conversation with an unknown classmate about studies- or some group project- anything that makes me feel the slightest bit more validated.

i don't wanna write this like it's my last note lol cause the world ain't getting rid of me so quick. but i just don't like feeling so insignificant.

so here's my gameplan for the next 6-7 months. they just might be the life changing months of my life. by my 18th birthday, i just hope to be smart enough to go to my dream college. i simply HAVE to clear the entrance exam and kinda move into the dorms (cause it's actually compulsory so i won't even have to make up and bs lies). and also, FORTUNATELY, it's a very prestigious place and getting in would earn me a load of money (and respect but let's not count on that lol, bcs my personality is people-repellant). and once (if) i get there, i think i'll finally have the time and space to figure the rest of my shit. it's my only safe space at the moment.

at this moment, i'd like to remember everything i have that i'm thankful for.

i'm happy i am healthy and i have parents who are decent enough to treat me great when it's just us. i'm grateful for my friends who've stuck with me beyond my horrific mood swings. i'm grateful for all these people who haven't invaded into my privacy and allowed me to fight my demons the way i wish to.

i am grateful for being able to go to school and to be able to study. i am grateful for the internet as tool and a friend and a void to scream into. i'm grateful for being aware of my feelings and being able to express them to at least myself, honestly and unfiltered.

i'm grateful i have a roof above my head, food on my plate and a very obvious way to improve the quality of my life. i'm grateful for my awareness and my will to learn. i am grateful to god and the universe for all the abundance and blessings i possess. 

thanks tho. i feel much better after writing this.

do take care, and write out your feelings if need be. in the span of tem minutes of writing, my mood and outlook on life have both changed for the better.

journal ends.