Self-love and acceptance (for a spiritual teen)

messy feelings, undying thoughts?

hey! so this is majorly a rant chapter that can totally be skipped. i just wanna sort my feelings and thoughts out, and maybe salvage a positive takeaway from this? i will definitely share it in the end.

**RANT BEGINS**

(potentially triggering idek ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

i genuinely don't know how to put this into words. either way, i don't wanna give up without trying.

there is a guy i've had a crush on for YEARS together now. he's not the best-looking, not the nicest- i'd almost go to the extent of calling him average but he's not? i don't even know. 

so basically, this guy is super friendly and was kinda my role model for major part of my life.  while i've always been hyperaware of my feelings for him, i still don't know if he knows. maybe he does, and that's exactly why he's treating me the way he does? so he's pretty hot and cold to me.

and well, i'm clinically anxious (everybody i know, knows) and i feel extremely let down when the guy doesn't wave or smile back or literally do anything. i feel like i don't exist. the sad part is that this is a recent happening (post covid). he used to be pretty nice when i had my life together? and i don't know if i did something wrong.

another thing this guy does is he always goes for my closest friends. like, whoever is close to me at a certain point of time (pretty screwed up if he knew about my feelings lol). and i have no idea what the hell he tells them, but they all just kinda abandon me. some even went to the extent of almost bullying me with a bunch of his friends. i'm almost sure this was his doing because before hanging out with him, my friends seemed pretty cool with me.

but then again, i wonder if it's because of me and because i write super creepy memoirs featuring these people. i doubt that's the case though, because i've been interested in writing for a really long time. and although certain people call me 'weird' or 'odd', it's never in a bad way. but when this guy calls me those names, i just wanna disappear from the face of the earth. ugh.

now, onto the current scenario. the guy and i literally don't talk anymore. my current super close friend (whom i've been friends with for around seven years) is super nice and totally resistive to this guy's approaches. she's also the person who often tells me what kind of things he talks about me behind my back, just so i don't stay completely out of the loop. but while she doesn't know about my crush, i'm sure they both have feelings for each other?

the whole scenario with the guy completely messed me up and i just can't face my friend normally anymore. i wonder if either of these friendships is worth saving?

in the end, i wonder if i'm overreacting? or just being a straight up bitch? selfish? i just don't think it's fair for me to have to forgive every single time they screw up. the people who left me wanna contact me now when they're having a hard time.

i tried my best to be empathetic, but the fact that i never received a single apology and the fact that these people still treat me the exact same way, just makes me wanna run away from the toxicity. and i honestly don't know if i'm the toxic one.

i don't even know how i feel about this. sad, disappointed, jealous? they've both been complete jerks to me but i still can't get rid of my love for the guy or my friend. at the same time, i don't have the confidence or strength to get over either of them and move on.

**RANT ENDS**

but hey! what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller- ok imma stop now. 

here's the summary i promised (although i might still sound a little bitter, lol)

1. no matter what, these are just feelings and thoughts. and as long as i can control them, they can't control me. 

2. and i'm sure each and everyone has something to be grateful for. and someone to be grateful for. (for example, i'm grateful for my teachers and professors, who are super understanding and kinda keep me sane.)

3. it's ok if you're not able to 'forgive' certain people for what they did. it's alright to give up certain relationships if it will bring you some mental stability. it's ok to be selfish in certain matters. only you can know what truly makes you happy. 

always remember, having no one is better than having people bad for you around.

so, to conclude-

while there are certain that might keep you up at night- or even make you cry- know that none of these things deserve the power to make you cry. know that each of us has a beautiful life, blessed in it's own unique way. know that you are extremely blessed and loved by someone in the universe. it could be family, a friend or even a random person in the world (like me <33).

so no matter how hard things are, no matter of how much of a mess you feel like- know that there's someone who'll love you no matter what.

never give up. the universe has it's own ways of making things right.