Somebody To Hold (Book 0.5) (AU series) - INTERSEX

Chapter Forty-Eight

Alexandria

She's standing there like she's afraid of being alone with me.

"I won't bite," I say, smirking.

"Si Papito, I know."

She rolls her eyes and walks away from me towards the kitchen. She starts doing the dishes from breakfast while I sit at the island in front of her and watch. "What are you doing Josie?" I ask, grabbing a piece of leftover bacon and biting into it.

"Doing the dishes. What does it look like?" She rinses them and puts them in the dishwasher. It's obvious that her mind is somewhere else because her mood dampened since Elliot left. Maybe the events this morning were too much for her.

"No. I mean, what are you doing here? With us?"

"I told you. I promised my daughter I would be back for her the day I gave her up to you," she says, wiping her hands on a cloth napkin. "I'm keeping that promise."

I chuckle. "No, sorry, I didn't mean it like that Josie. I mean... is this something you want? I know we haven't really talked to you about what this is with the three of us, but... being with us... is that something you want?" I try to get my jumbled thoughts out but I'm failing miserably.

She averts her attention to the plate in her hand, understanding now exactly what I'm asking. "I don't know," she finally says.

She slowly closes the dishwasher and turns around to face me. Her hands rest on the countertop, and she sighs. "Do you know that you two are the first people I have had sex with in the last 3 years?"

I choke on my bacon and start coughing, trying to catch my breath. "Josephine, tell me you are lying." I knew it was a possibility she would have flashbacks, but I didn't know she hasn't had someone else walk her through it. She shakes her head no and lowers it, ashamed. "Why would you allow us to break your abstinence?"

"Because I... Alex me being abstinent was a result of my fears. I was terrified to allow someone to touch me again. Terrified of the images replaying in my head. You helped me through that, and I'm grateful for that."

"Jo, you were like a born-again virgin... why did you allow us to do that to you? We could have taken it slower. You could have said no!" I pinch the bridge of my nose, angry that I allowed myself to lose control with her. Not once but twice.

She starts crying. "I didn't want to say NO! OKAY! I wanted to be with you guys! I needed to... to prove that I'm not... broken." She sighs deeply before revealing the last part. She wipes her tears, and I watch as her walls start to go up once more. She continues wiping the counter. "Besides, it wouldn't be the first time you took my virginity," she whispers.

My eyes grow big at her words and all the air leaves my lungs. I lay my head down on the counter, trying to quell the anger rising through my body.

Not at her but at myself. A part of me knew I was partially responsible for what she went through when she first told us her life story. But knowing I took her innocence and much, much more tears a hole in my chest. The realization that I was the one to ruin her life hits me like a ton of bricks.

If we had never hooked up at that bar 11 years ago, her father would have never sold her like a piece of property. Those men would have never gotten the chance to violate her to the point where she's not even comfortable in her own skin.

I ball my fist up and smash the plate in front of me. Shards of glass go everywhere. She jumps, and I get up, leaving the kitchen. I go to my room and slam the door behind me.

As I walk on the balcony, I will the cold air to cool me down. I lean against the bars, hanging my head low. I was stupid back then. Fucked anyone I could get my hands on. I ruined her life. I took her virginity and got her pregnant. She is hurt because of me. She was violated because of me. She can never have kids again... because of me. Everything is my fault.

I fight the tears back, sucking in cold air and a sharp air pain stings my lungs. My anger gets the best of me, and I punch the brick wall breaking off a chunk. My knuckles immediately start bleeding, but I feel no pain from them. The only pain I feel is the one I've caused her.

Arms wrap around me as I fall to my knee. "Shhhh, Alex, it's okay. I'm okay. Please don't do this to yourself."

I grab her arms crying into them. "I ruined your life. All this time I've been mad at you while you were being hurt. I took your life away... I... took it "

She sits back on her heels, pulling me into her chest as my back rests against her. My breathing staggers, and I start hyperventilating. I feel her tears falling against my shoulder as her lips press against my skin.

She hushes me, trying to calm me down. "Alex baby, I'm okay. You didn't do any of this. Getting pregnant by you was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have my daughter back. Please believe me. I'm here now. I'm okay."

I try to catch my breath as I listen to her soothing voice in my ear. She wipes my tears, and I feel her breathing on my ear. "I'm sorry," I say. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that because of me."

She smiles and kisses my neck. "None of this was because of you." Her arms tighten around my shoulders, and I grab her arm pulling her to straddle me. I wrap my arms around her waist, holding her tight and staring at the bright sky.

"I will never hurt you again," I whisper, before pushing her off of me and walking off the balcony.

"¡Espere! [Wait!] No, Alex, what do you mean by that?" she screams as I grab my keys and walk out of the house.

She knew exactly what I meant, that's why she asked. It means I will never touch her like that again. I will never let my inability to control my urges harm her again. I caused this, and regardless of her telling me repeatedly, I just can't convince myself that it wasn't my fault.

As I'm driving down the road my phone vibrates, and I check and see that it's Elliot, so I answer.

"Alexandria, where are you going?" I don't answer her, and she sighs. "Baby, Josephine told me everything. Please, just go back home to her."

"I can't," I whisper.

"Alex..." I hang the phone up and press down on the gas, speeding through a red light. The cars miss me by a hair and my phone rings again. It's Roger.

"Hey, got another body, coming?" he says

"On my way." I hang up and make a sharp left turn. I hear a bunch of horns but ignore them. As I pull into the location where we hold our bodies, I grab my gloves and get out of the car. When I walk in, Jones hands me the file I need and what we need to extract information from him.

"Has he talked?" I ask. They shake their heads no and I nod. "Don't need it," I say, tossing the folder back onto the table. I roll up my sleeve and walk over to my table full of tools. A crowbar... this will work. I flip it in my palm and take a heavy swing.

"Ahhh shit!" he yells as the metal hits his knee cap. I don't give him time before I hit the other one. His screaming is music to my ears.

I throw the crowbar down and pick up a knife. "Alex, what are you doing?" Roger says, stepping in front of me.

"Making him talk." I push him out the way and slash the knife through the man's face. Blood drips down his cheek as I continue to leave slices all over his body. His screams finally stop, and I toss the knife on the floor.

He spits blood at me, and my mind goes blank as my fist connects with his face. I don't let up as I pound his face in repeatedly over and over again. And again and again, until he finally speaks. "Okay, okay, I'll talk." Roger grabs me away from him.

"There," I say, "got him to talk." He just shakes his.

"If I knew you were going to do it that way, I would have done it myself. The agency won't like this," Roger says.

"Fuck the agency," I say, grabbing my keys and waking out.